Part I: Childhood Without the Arms Race: Unstructured Play, Overscheduling, and Emotional Regulation

Dr. Matthew Zakreski, PsyD, also known as Dr. Matt, is a clinical psychologist, professional speaker, and Founder & Lead Psychologist of The Neurodiversity Collective. He specializes in supporting neurodivergent people, including gifted, ADHD, autistic, and dyslexic individuals, with particular emphasis on the social and emotional needs of young people. Zakreski earned his PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Widener University. He is the author of Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World, published in late 2024.

In this interview, Scott Douglas Jacobsen and Dr. Matthew Zakreski discuss the emotional foundations of healthy childhood development and the costs of overscheduling. Zakreski argues that unstructured play gives children essential practice in creativity, problem-solving, self-knowledge, frustration tolerance, and emotional regulation. They examine how achievement-focused schedules can crowd out restorative experiences and how smartphones can become an immediate escape from discomfort, leaving children with fewer opportunities to develop independence, resilience, and comfort with themselves alone.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Today, we are here with Dr. Matthew Zakreski, PsyD, also known as Dr. Matt. He is a dynamic clinical psychologist who specializes in neurodivergence. As the co-founder of The Neurodiversity Collective, LLC, he offers virtual mental health services, consults with schools, and presents internationally on topics related to neurodivergent individuals and communities. Dr. Zakreski is the co-host of Nerding Out on Neurodiversity and the author of The Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World. He is dedicated to fostering resilience and authentic growth in children, challenging the rising trend of over-scheduling and high-pressure competitiveness in childhood development.

Dr. Zakreski earned his Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from Widener University’s Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology in 2016. Based in Roxbury Township, New Jersey, he continues to advocate for inclusive and supportive mental health practices for the neurodivergent community. Thank you very much for joining me today, Matt.

Dr. Matthew Zakreski: I appreciate it—it’s my pleasure.

Jacobsen: What are children’s fundamental emotional and psychological needs for healthy development? And how does this contrast with the current cultural trend of over-scheduling and competitive performance expectations that we’ve seen grow over the past few decades?

Zakreski: Over the last, let’s say, twenty to thirty years, there’s been a growing intensity—almost like an arms race—among parents trying to ensure their children are prepared for future success. It’s understandable, but it has come with unintended consequences. What’s often easiest to measure are tangible, external achievements: “My kid made the travel soccer team,” “My kid won a regional science fair,” “My kid was cast in a national ballet tour.” Those accomplishments are impressive but tend to come at the cost of time, rest, and emotional availability.

There’s absolutely a place for high achievement. Encouraging children to pursue their passions is great. But when their schedules are so full that there’s little to no time left for unstructured, restorative experiences—such as shared family meals, long car rides, weekend downtime, or simply playing freely—it hinders emotional growth.

Those unstructured moments teach us to sit with ourselves, develop insight, build secure attachments, and regulate emotions. In my practice, I often see many kids excelling academically or athletically, but they struggle with managing anxiety, handling failure, or maintaining friendships. That social-emotional deficit is caused by crowding out the basic human experiences that help us build those skills.

So, for example, when a child goes from school to soccer and then to judo and has a math tutor on Wednesday, followed by volunteering on Thursday, that full schedule might look impressive—but it is often unsustainable. Parents feel social pressure to keep up with other families, and it becomes a feedback loop.

We’re left with a generation of children who might check all the “success” boxes but have not been given the time or space to develop internal stability, resilience, or the ability to emotionally self-regulate. That is a genuine concern.

Jacobsen: So what role does unstructured play have in reversing this trend and supporting children’s emotional development, especially in developing resilience and self-regulation apart from these external indicators of success?

Zakreski: It is crucial. Unstructured play isn’t just “free time”—it is the laboratory of childhood development. That’s where kids learn problem-solving, collaboration, creativity, and emotional regulation. They figure out how to win and how to lose. They discover what they enjoy and what they do not enjoy without pressure. And most importantly, they start to learn who they are apart from performance or achievement.

At some point, we all need to sit with ourselves—without distractions or accolades—and feel okay. Unstructured play is one of the best tools for developing that emotional foundation in kids.

Whether you’re in an airport waiting for a flight, about to take a test, or you’ve asked someone out on a date and you’re waiting for them to message you back—we need to have the skills to sit with ourselves. When we fill every minute of every day with activity, those skills do not develop. As a result, people can become panicky when they have to be alone. Panic triggers fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.

For example, someone might fight those feelings and pretend they are not dysregulated. Or they might flee—diving into video games, screens, or other distractions. They might freeze and become unable to make decisions because so many choices have historically been made for them. Or they might fawn—latching onto someone else who can tell them what to do.

As a psychologist, I always emphasize that no feeling is inherently good or bad. What matters is how we understand and respond to those feelings. Once we develop that understanding, we can build the skills to regulate ourselves when those emotions arise.

If you feel panicky or sweaty when left alone with your thoughts, let’s discuss how to address them rather than avoid them.

Jacobsen: Is avoidance one of the key markers of this issue today?

Zakreski: It’s increasingly common, yes. A good example is visiting restaurants and observing people waiting for their food. Often, the first thing they do is look down and pick up their phones.

And I want to be clear—I am not anti-phone. Phones are fantastic tools but offer an immediate escape hatch from discomfort. People flee to their screens instead of sitting in that awkward silence or attempting conversation. They are an emotional release valve.

So instead of tolerating the discomfort—and building the emotional muscles necessary to handle it—we escape into something that feels safer and more controlled. The longer someone goes without developing those skills, the harder it becomes to build them later.

As people mature, the ability to self-regulate becomes increasingly critical. But kids increasingly miss the repetitions and exposure needed to build those regulation skills. Then, as these kids become young adults and enter the real world, they struggle with unstructured moments. They do not know what to do with themselves when no one tells them what to do.

And that can hurt—personally, professionally, and especially interpersonally because nobody in your life—no friend, no romantic partner, no parent, not even your children—will always be with you. The only person you’re guaranteed to be with is yourself.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen is the Lifestyle and Finance Writer and Editor for A Further Inquiry with more than 400 published articles in the outlet. He is the Founder and Publisher of In-Sight Publishing (ISBN: 978–1–0692343; 978–1–0673505) and Editor-in-Chief of In-Sight: Interviews (ISSN: 2369–6885). He writes for International Policy Digest (ISSN: 2332–9416), The Humanist (Print: ISSN, 0018–7399; Online: ISSN, 2163–3576), Basic Income Earth Network (UK Registered Charity 1177066), Humanist Perspectives (ISSN: 1719–6337), Vocal, Medium, The Good Men Project, The New Enlightenment Project, The Washington Outsider, rabble.ca, and other media. His bibliography index can be found via the Jacobsen Bank at In-Sight Publishing. He has served in national and international leadership roles within humanist and media organizations, held several academic fellowships, and currently serves on several boards. He is a member in good standing in numerous media organizations, including the Canadian Association of Journalists, PEN Canada (CRA: 88916 2541 RR0001), Reporters Without Borders (SIREN: 343 684 221/SIRET: 343 684 221 00041/EIN: 20–0708028), and others.

Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Thanks for reading A Further Inquiry! This post is public so feel free to share it.