quick back story: for no apparent reason, the biggest thing that scared me about becoming a mom was BIRTH. i’ve always known i’d wanted to be a mom, but never felt rushed it because Tom + I had a pretty great system - we both worked flexibly from home, on our own schedules because we have our own businesses - meaning we could get up and do whenever we wanted, whenever we wanted. we spent a lot of time building this version of freedom. we’d been married 5 years at this point, and we got married “young” compared to a lot of people in our lives.
and that was always the vision: get married young so we could enjoy married life, just us two. thennnn, when we’re ready, have kids.
we finally started feeling ready in the grand scheme of things. well better explained, we finally started feeling like “okay, we’ve done everything we wanted just us 2, so if it happens, it happens”. i don’t know if we actually felt ready, it was more dominant that we didn’t feel like we weren’t ready.
but, with the acknowledgement that we’re open to having kids, i started to really see all the shadows, fears + resistance i had buried in me about becoming a mom. will i ever have time for myself again? how bad is birth going to hurt? can i handle the pain? will i be a good mom? how do i project the least amount onto my baby when they arrive? how do i help my baby become the best version of themself? how will my body change? how will i handle it all? how will tom and i’s relationship change? how will i handle family input? the list goes on.
however what was blaring in my brain the whole time was birth. even through pregnancy. if i’m being honest, i think birth is one of the first things uncomfortable things that i’d be taking on that there was no way out of. that baby would need to come out of me. this part felt claustrophobic in a way, because i couldn’t tap out. i couldn’t reverse out.
every other challenge, or scary thing i’ve taken on, what’s gotten me through a lot of the time is that “i can always stop” or “i can always do something else”. there has always felt like there’s an option to opt-out.
but that didn’t feel like it applied during birth. one way or the other, that baby would need to exit out of my body lol. and that’s truly where the fear lands for me.
another layer is that i’m a very natural-minded girl, and i’ve always envisioned having a natural birth - unmedicated. i knooooow how controversial this topic can be, and if you’re pregnant/considering your birth options - my biggest recommendation is that whatever you prefer, i hope it’s rooted in true desire rather than fear or ego.
for me, i wanted to attempt unmedicated because i know my ancestors have done it, and i found it so cool, beautiful + primal that if they could do it, i wanted to try as a way of kind of connecting with them. plus, it felt like an opportunity for me to put into practice so much of what i believe mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually + energetically. so in a way, i was only adding fuel to my fear and i totally own that.
now, let me be SO clear, i don’t think one form of birth is better than the other. i think ALL birth is powerful, humbling, intense + beautiful. i just know personally for me, that was my why. my why was not fear-based, assuming the worst of people/providers or because one way was “better” than the other.
so let’s recap:
my fear around birth was the discomfort + the fact that there was no escaping it. triggered a sense of claustrophobic energy and this sense of “i can’t escape”
i really wanted an unmedicated birth.
it’s 2025 - i’m officially pregnant - what’s my plan? how’d i prepare?
home birth, hospital birth or birthing center? so, i knew i wanted to go unmedicated, but i actually was not sure where i wanted to deliver. this decision felt pretty quick, because talking with Tom - if i were to go unmedicated and change my mind or have complications - it’d be harder to navigate that at home, especially being our first time. birthing center felt like a decent happy medium, but i didn’t know much about it and didn’t feel strongly against a hospital. hospital felt like the “safest” option, but my only concern here was would i be pressured to go medicated or do things in a way that were more rushed than i’d prefer. ultimately - we decided on the hospital, knowing that we may have to be more clear in advocating for certain preferences!
doula or no doula? before getting pregnant, i assumed i’d have a doula. but once i got pregnant and understood what a doula could offer, i felt like the education and wisdom ahead of time was more helpful than during birth, in a hospital setting. my honest thoughts were if i’m bringing a doula (outside of the hospital network) into a hospital setting - i’m immediately, off the bat, telling the nurses / doctors i don’t trust them so i had to bring in my own reinforcements. i felt like bringing in a doula to the hospital would create more friction in the birth environment than support. so, Tom ended up being my doula lol - and might i add - he was AMAZING!
educate myself about the birthing process. this was HUGE for me, and the most massively helpful step. i spent a lot of time learning about birth, what the “stages” of birth are and what helps birth actually unfold, what happens after delivery immediately and hours later. knowing that i was gonna go unmedicated, with just Tom and I in the room - this felt important for both of us. one of my friends wh had her doula set up a private birthing class for a few of us and it was so helpful. we learned about the birthing positions, how to prep for smoother delivery, labor stages, relief positions that your partner could help with, standard practices in hospitals that you can request changes for, things you can opt out of, all the things - and truly this was a game changer for me. my biggest takeaways from the birthing class that helped during my birth process
your body needs to relax to allow the baby to move down the birth canal. relaxed jaw, relaxed pelvis
contractions are like waves. ride the waves.
contractions last up to ~90 seconds, even when they’re at their fastest. for me this meant 90 seconds of intensity is all i’d need to breathe through!
lower sounds, helps baby move lower (instead of “high pitched” sounds)
the transition phase of labor is usually the most intense when you’re moving from 8cm dilated to 10cm dilated. the intensity usually means you’re right there!
create my birth plan. i renamed this to “birth preferences” because although i had a plan in mind, anything can happen during birth and i didn’t want to be attached to the process. i didn’t want to be so focused on giving a certain type of birth that i was missing something larger. so i had my birth PREFERENCES, but i wasn’t attached to them, nor would i be “upset” if things didn’t go my way. and, more importantly, the way i give birth and deliver my baby needs to have NO meaning or attachment to me, my identity, my worth. if you want the specifics of my birth plan, just comment and let me know.
prepare my body + mind through pregnancy. another thing that really helped me was using the entirety / majority of my pregnancy to help prepare my body. instead of “procrastinating” until month 8 to start stretching. here’s what i did and didn’t do to prep
lots of stretches daily. finding what felt good. yoga ball was my favorite.
staying active. i worked out regularly until 6 months, then i started not feeling good so i went more to yoga/stretches. we also were moving and renovating our home during this time, so i got a ton of physical activity just walking around diff corners of the house (i didn’t do that much, but i just told our family where to put stuff lol)
deeeeeep belly breathing.
birth, labor + delivery affirmations started around 36 weeks, when i really felt pregnant and i didn’t want to start these too early to psych myself out. these are the affirmations i used
- My delivery is gentle, smooth + easeful
- I am available for the intensity that serves me + baby and I know how to manage it
- I have a smooth delivery
- My body knows exactly what to do and it’s safe for me to trust this
- The more I relax, the better this gets
- Every wave is moving me closer to our baby
- Every sensation has a purpose & I respond beautifully
- I soften + allow my body and divinity to lead
- I am safe. My baby is safe. My family is safe.
- We are so deeply supported through this experience
- I know my baby and I can do this, together
- I trust my baby, my body and myself throughout this process
- I welcome this new chapter of my life with grace, ease + allowance
- I am open, relaxed and in flow with the universe and my baby and divine forces
i did not visualize myself giving birth (just didn’t feel super called to, but i know this helps many people). but a few days before birth, i started to visualize my body opening, relaxing.
and finally - my birth story - here’s how it went.
i went to my 40 week appointment, and up until this point, hadn’t felt a single thing. no contraction, no cramping, no signs of labor, except i was 3cm dilated. my obgyn said let’s give it one more week, but if at the next appointment i’m not contracting, she may suggest some interventions (this personally was not part of my birth preferences, as i wanted to go into labor naturally and spend as much time laboring at home as possible - per my learnings from the birth class).
i started to do all the things: curb walking, dates, raspberry leaf tea. whatever could help me induce labor. 3 days later. still nothing. i was imagining contractions but truly, nothing lol.
4o weeks and 4 days, i was starting to get a little impatient. especially knowing if i made it to 41 weeks i’d get some pressure to consider membrane sweeps. so that day, I told Tom, can we just get out of the house and stay busy? i need this baby out.
we were SO active that day, and went to Costco, had a slice of pizza (the best!) and even bought a new TV lol. on our drive back around 5pm i felt my first contraction. the best way i could explain it was that it was a wave - felt a slight tightening, then crampy, then it went away.
Tom and i felt like it was perfect timing. if i had my first contraction now, usually early labor lasts 12 or so hours. so maaaaybe i’d go to the hospital in the morning!
and boy were we wrong.
my first contraction was at 5pm and then i didn’t feel anything, so when we got home i just lingered around and got the room set up for “laboring” through the night. meanwhile, Tom laid out the carseat and our hospital go-bags in the car so we could leave whenever needed.
i got my glowy lights on, my essential oils, my acupressure mat, my labor comb. all the things i prepped i laid out and then i had one more contraction around 6:30pm. i laid in bed, mentally prepping to sleep. and then something shifted where i started having contractions every 10 minutes.
they were light, not painful. but i could clearly tell my body was dropping into the zone. it was only 7pm, and the rule of thumb is don’t go to the hospital until they’re 5 mins apart, 1 min long, for 1 hour. but something told me the way it progressed so quickly that it was time to go. i told Tom “hey, i don’t think we’re making it to the morning, i think we should leave now”.
we went on our way and the contractions were getting more intense, and closer together. but still super manageable, i could talk through them. checked into the hospital 8pm, went to triage to make sure i was dilated above 6cm and i was. the contractions started feeling a bit more intense so i got my labor comb out and self-supported. i wanted to wait to ask for Tom’s help until i really needed it. we got into our labor + delivery room at 9pm and our nurse was the absolute sweetest.
it was night time and the way the hospital was set up, she said i was her only patient through the night so i had full access to her. i showed her my birth preferences and she was on board, no questions asked about the epidural/meds. she was super supportive and brought in tools to have on standby if i needed them.
through this point the contractions were asking for more focus and breathing from me. i’d need to pause when a contraction came in and just breathe. i couldn’t hold a convo anymore. and, when contractions came i needed Tom’s support. he squeezed my hips, providing counterpressure. and he did this constantly from 9pm until i delivered. the hip squeezes and labor comb were the only two tools that helped me, plus my breath.
essentially, i was laboring laying in bed, different positions. i was either sitting upright on the edge of the bed, or i was lying on my side, or using the back of the hospital bed to prop me up and lean against. sitting on the yoga ball was too uncomfy. i liked being able to move around but it also wasn’t that fun to move around. each movement felt a bit more intense each time.
we were SO tired that day so in between contractions i was sleeping. i’ve never ever fallen asleep sitting up in my life until this point!
i remember looking at the clock around 1:30am and she did a cervical check and i was 8cm. in my head i thought “it’s been 4 and a half hours and i only moved 2cm?!?!?!” - my nurse was so sweet and brought in nitrous oxide (laughing gas) which i had on my preferences as my first pain relief option if i asked for it. she told me she had it on standby just so it doesn’t take long to track down, but no pressure to use it.
i noted it. and kept sleeping in between contractions. also by this point i started to really have to make noise / low groan through them while breathing. it helped with the intensity and as someone who doesn’t like sounding weird, let me tell you - i made all the wild, primal sounds and didn’t know if i had those in me! truly, going through birth did feel like a portal.
i started having intense contractions where i remember laying on my side, my body fully shaking as a way of processing the intensity and i yelled “oh f@$k” and i just have this memory of Tom saying “hey babe, that’s the first time you’ve cussed” and laughing through the intensity while also feeling like “dang this is uncomfortable”.
what’s funny is i didn’t think to ask for the nitrous oxide in that moment, it didn’t cross my mind - in hindsight, that would’ve been nice! but, my nurse offered another cervical check and i did think to myself “idk how much more i can do of this” because i was tired from a long day, and was ready to be through. the exhaustion was kicking in.
she said “youre a 10, it’s time to push” and i asked “wait are you joking?!?!”. i was in disbelief because it was 3:15am meaning i’ve been in labor from my first contraction to now, for about 8 hours. and everyone told me how long labor can last especially for your first baby. she said “i’m calling the doctor now, it’s time to meet your baby” and i got the BIGGEST jolt of energy. i felt excitement, relief, motivation run through me.
when the doctors came in, i just remember them saying “wait how is she so calm” which i found hilarious because in my mind/body i didn’t feel calm. internally i felt like i was fighting a battle between the version of me who wanted to control/panic/micromanage and the version of me who knew she had to relax/surrender/allow. i felt like i went through waves of emotions, intensity, telling myself to surrender, telling my baby “he’s safe to arrive”.
when they said it’s time to push, they gave me some guidance as to “where” to focus my energy on pushing. the first time i didn’t make much progress, so she gave me more guidance and the second time, they said his head was out. i felt the intensity and what people call “the ring of fire” which i was prepared for because of all my research (lol). i gave one more push and he was out. it was the most wildly specific feeling and they placed him on my chest. Tom cut the cord after some time. baby boy latched on and had some collostrum and the labor and delivery of baby boy was officially complete. 8 and a half hours of labor, 30 mins of pushing and unmedicated - i felt grateful and honestly, accomplished.
what i learned
my biggest learning through all of this is that you can be scared, do it any way, and lean on the support of people to help you along the way. having Tom by my side the entire time was everything i needed and more. we were SO in control of the energy of the room, and our own energy, that it made my laboring so so calm - even in a hospital setting.
birth for me felt like the initiation i needed into motherhood, forcing me to become one with my breath and body and trusting it to do the work. forcing me to trust my baby, regulate for him and be on the receiving end for him to feel safe enough to descend and come into the world. all of which feel like the preparation i needed to navigate the first few weeks of post partum. it’s all by magical design, and if you look closely, you’ll see how it all makes sense.
my nurse was an angel + truly was everything i’d hoped for, especially when i was worried about being pressured or forced into things. i know there’s many narratives of people being pushy, but this wasn’t my experience at all and i want to highlight that there are always exceptions to the norms and you can experience the exceptions!
your words, your intentions and your manifestations really are being listened to by the universe, way more specific than you may realize. and sometimes if things take a turn for the unexpected, you have to allow yourself to trust + surrender along the way. more on this in the part 2.
a vulnerable side note
things did take a turn after this… and in hindsight all of my affirmations and my energy were focused on the smooth labor + healthy delivery of the baby. all of which happened!
but, i want to share the part 2 in a separate post. i’m planning to keep it private and as a subscriber-only post because i haven’t shared this with any of my closest friends yet. not to be secretive, but because i don’t think it was helpful at the time. only my family knows about this, but i think it’s important to talk about and i’m ready to share.
it’s nuanced, there’s a lot of learning involved + i have some speculations as to why it happened. plus, i want to share how i navigated things going completely to plan and then taking a 180 degree turn super fast.
but, the birth story up until the point of delivering baby boy was magical and powerful. the second part required full surrender.
if you do choose to subscribe and read it when it’s released, i hope it can provide helpful information + lessons on not attaching to certain things.
i’ll be back to share part 2 soon. in the mean time, thank you for reading all of this and do share any comments or thoughts or questions.
lots of love,
Payal
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