How I fell in love with my postpartum body

Before we dive in, this is not a post on “bouncing back” or “manifesting your pre-pregnancy jeans to fit you”.

This is about the sheer power of falling in love with your body, and the way that doing so unconditionally can completely change how your body navigates some of the wildest circumstances it is put under.

The amount of pressure + commentary around our bodies during one of its most vulnerable times is quite shocking to me. The “bounce back” culture, the “tiger stripes” club, the “has your hair started falling out yet?” — there’s just SO much and it can be SO overwhelming if you’ve ever had a dicey relationship with your body image. And the part I find the funniest about this is that the commentary is from other women + moms. I know it’s not meant to be harmful or shameful, but I don’t think the underlying pressure that it builds is realized until way later.

Like most women I know, I have had my faaaair share of criticizing my body - whether it was because I was too hairy compared to my peers, my arms were a little too full or the fact that I have never had a flat stomach. This back and forth battle between myself + my body has been something that’s echoed in the back of my mind ever since I can remember, but before getting pregnant, I was determined to heal the relationship between myself + my body because I knew I didn’t want to impose limiting beliefs about body weight/shape/image onto my future children.

I started shifting the way I approached anything to do with my body - I did it out of love for my body, acceptance for my body + for the sake of doing it instead of for the sake of changing my body. Whether that was working out, intuitive eating or choosing what to wear. And not a coincidence, I was the healthiest + fittest I’d ever been, right before getting pregnant.

Surprisingly, throughout my pregnancy the weight changes weren’t that triggering for me, because I was so aware that my body was creating space for a whole new human. As someone who doesn’t own a weighing machine to protect her mental health, I got to practice what I preach at every doctors appointment when they checked my weight. I actually loved watching my body grow and I think that’s why I didn’t get super swollen or inflamed, even though it runs in my family. Full transparency, I gained 30 lbs through the course of my pregnancy. I really practiced not assigning much meaning to the number on the scale except for saying “hi” to my growing baby.

Another HUGE pressure point during pregnancy + my body was the topic of stretch marks. Somehow stretch marks became something “to avoid” and as someone who got stretch marks when I hit puberty, I was a little nervous for this one. I made myself a huge tub of some homemade body butter, and religiously applied it 2x a day and made it a cute ritual to talk to my baby. But if I’m being 100% honest, the underlying intention was “hope I don’t get stretch marks”. Now looking back, I realize that my energy didn’t help anddddd I got so so so many stretch marks. To the point where I don’t recognize my stomach, even now. When I coached myself through it - I asked “why do I even care about the stretch marks?” all that came up was the fact that I kept hearing and seeing that stretch marks were something to avoid.

A light bulb immediately went off because that wasn’t my belief, it was something outside of me. I didn’t magically fall in love with my stretch marks, but I did start to recognize that it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t change anything, it’s simply an aesthetic thing. And, my sweet husband would sweetly tell me how much he loved them, even when I didn’t believe him.

Nowwwww, let’s fast forward to postpartum. This is where I feel the real pressure lives. The energy of getting back to your pre-pregnancy weight, the dreaded post partum hair loss + the fact that your body has truly transformed.

Being aware of how triggered I was with my stretch marks, I started to be VERY intentional with how I spoke to and thought about my body the rest of my pregnancy and after I delivered.

Especially given the twist my birth took (full story here - part 1 and part 2), I stuck to the energy of gratitude that I’m still healthy, my body is still functioning and all is well with me and the baby.

That immediately started to help. I looked at my postpartum body in awe. Truly. I don’t think I’ve ever felt prouder of myself for creating, birthing and now sustaining a whole human. Yes, my body looks so different. Yes, my stomach feels loose. Yes, there are more changes to come. But, truly what a miracle.

Staying in this energy helped me so much. I also helped myself by buying + choosing clothes specifically for post partum. I chose looser outfits, button downs with flowy sleeves - just in case my mental health wasn’t as resilient after giving birth. I tried to protect myself from my own thoughts, just in case.

My body naturally released the extra swelling and weight fairly quickly. I don’t share this to brag, I share this to say that the power of loving your body unconditionally, is absolutely powerful.

Postpartum, I mentally practiced not wondering when my old jeans would fit or when I’d drop the extra weight. If I could feel my thoughts going even remotely in that direction, I’d redirect.

This one was the one I wasn’t sure about. Everyone in my own family told me how much they struggled with post partum hair loss. They literally would tell me “you can’t escape it”. I chose to really sit with what this meant, why this mattered so much.

When it comes down to it, hair is an aesthetic thing. It’s beautiful, but it’s not necessarily adding to your health. Maybe to your confidence, but not your true health. So, immediately, I like to think “backup plans”. I told myself, if my post partum hair changes were major, there’s so many options out there. There’s extensions, etc etc.

But then the waiting game came, and when I was about 4 months post partum, it started. I’d run my fingers through my hair and see sooooo many strands. Then I’d shower, and more came out. Then I’d brush my hair post shower, and more came out. It was kind of incredible. As someone who’s grown up receiving a lot of love for her hair, I won’t lie - it felt a little nervewrecking. Felt like part of my identity was changing because of how much my hair is tied to my identity.

However - here’s the magic. I looked at the CLUMPS of hair and said “okay - hair is an identity shift and I’ve literally become a whole new person (aka a mother) so this hair shedding is me shedding the old version of me and stepping into the new version of me”. I didn’t pretend like my hair wasn’t shedding. I didn’t buy a bunch of new supplements + serums in a panic. I just trusted the process.

This photo is from just randomly brushing my hair ONCE.

I also clocked myself and recognized that for 9 months my hair BARELY shed. So, logically, 9 months of no shedding warrants some shedding after delivery, plus the massive hormonal shifts. Notice here, the energy was neutral not panicked, not assigning meaning.

I didn’t oil my hair during this time because honestly, the more I played with my hair, the more it shed. So instead, I allowed it to just go through it’s process. I chose trust over fear.

3 weeks went by with the massive shedding, and it felt like my hair was thinning, I noticed some of the density going down - but once again - it’s a natural process. And then, it all stopped. The shedding went down, and it just felt like my body was telling me “okay I’ve released what needed to release, and I’m back to regulating”.

Per a lot of the women in my family’s experience, they experienced the shedding for months, even years. Some claimed it never stopped. But for me, it was 3 weeks and when I went to get my first haircut + hair refresh post partum, my hair lady told me my hair felt THICKER than it did before.

I was genuinely surprised, because I had no expectations. I just kept speaking love, appreciation and gratitude into my hair rather than being “mad at it” for shedding.

I didn’t expect to go back to my pre-pregnancy weight or shape, ever honestly. I braced myself for post partum hair changes that were irreversible. I stopped labeling my stretch marks as ugly. I chose love, consciously, purposefully + repetitively.

And my body responded.

Your body is always listening to how you’re thinking about it, what energy you’re taking actions towards it with - all of it. It all adds up + your body responds accordingly.

The questions I get asked almost daily — “can I manifest losing weight” or “can I manifest having clear skin” or “can I manifest being taller or having a different body shape”

Sure, the answer “technically” is yes. But the behind-the-scenes energy work must must must must must must must be rooted in love. And that poses the question, if I loved my body, then why would I want to change it?

And that’s the true answer.

If you focus so much on loving your body, the “changes” you may be subconsciously seeking if they’re truly out of a desire to feel healthier for your own self, will fall into place naturally. Your body is so intelligent, so divine, so perfect - that it knows what it’s doing and it’s just following your lead. If you’re seeking the changes to get approval externally, they’re not rooted in true desire. There’s meaning attached, and that’s rooted in lack.

So my hope for you is that you actively CHOOSE to appreciate your body. For breathing, for digesting food, for processing everything you put into it and onto it, for doing the background work that’s so beautifully complex that it’s expected.

And allow your body to follow your lead of love. Because this is the true baseline of wellness. And if you spend too much time criticizing your body, suppressing emotions - your body will communicate that through some way shape or form. Whether it’s dis-ease, inflammation, acne, hair shedding - something or the other.

I hope you can take away something from this post, whether you’re pregnant, post partum or just a human who’s working on their relationship with their body.

Next time you’re choosing to workout: ask is it out of love for my body or dislike for my body?

Next time you’re choosing the “healthy” food option: ask is it out of a desire to feel nourished or a desire to make my body look a certain way?

Next time you’re choosing an outfit: ask is it out of celebration for my body or creating an illusion of my body?

THIS is the underlying, unseen energy work that trickles into every single cell - and your cells and your body will respond.

Sending you allllll my love.

Here’s to your good health xoxoxo

Payal