Self-Sabotage Apology

The other night I drank and ate too much. I woke up at 2:00 am feeling nauseated and unable to sleep. I know better than this. I’m not in my early 20’s, or even my early 30’s. Not that age is a good excuse, but bodies are a bit more forgiving and flexible when we are younger. There’s no time to play around with health and healing in your 40’s. So if you are younger and reading this, now is the time to develop healthy habits. If you are older and reading this, now is the time you HAVE to develop healthy habits. In 2017, I decided not to wake up to another hangover. For about 7 years I have not had a hangover until the other night. I got really serious about my own health and healing in 2021. In 2023 I slipped backwards due to a major life event and went through a personal health crisis. In 2024 I committed to healing my mind, body, and spirit. And yet I find myself in this place I call the ‘in between’. The place where I know better but still dabble with my old patterns. I have all the excuses in the book to keep me in the ‘in between’. Currently I use the tried-and-true excuse of: "It's the holidays; I’ll begin in the New Year!” But I know I won’t heal if I keep up the habit of self-sabotage. I write about what I need most and today it is to address self-sabotage as this is a subject I know well from my own experience, but also as a nurse working with patients with chronic illness.

Recently my mom called me and told me she had her heart checked and was told she has some plaque buildup. This scared her as we have a familial history of heart disease, and her father died from it. She wanted to know what changes she should make. The answers are simple, ‘eat less and exercise more.’ Of course, there’s so much more to it otherwise we’d all be the epitome of health. Without addressing the emotional part of healing, we aren’t able to just eat less and exercise more. As a nurse, I’m aware of causes, risks, treatments, outcomes, etc. I know heart disease is the number one leading cause of death in the world. This call from my mom was a wakeup call for both of us. So why did I opt to drink that second or third glass of wine a week later, and not run a 5k immediately? Why do I find myself buying that latte knowing my body rejects the milk? Maybe you find yourself in a similar place when it comes to knowing what you should do for your body and going against that. Let’s explore self-sabotage and how we can overcome it.

Self-sabotage is going against what we should do for our mind, body, and soul. It’s taking the extra cookie, the extra drink, watching another episode, mindless scrolling, allowing the verbal abuse we create in our minds to continue, skipping exercise, drinking that extra cup of coffee, or soda, or eating the bag of chips, smoking that cigarette, vaping, whatever your poison is that prevents you from living your best life. We already know what it is and just by being human, we are prone to it. So, let’s quit wasting time with focusing on what it is, and now focus on how we overcome it.

First, we need to become aware of the times we are in self-sabotage mode. You can’t fix something if you don’t know it’s broken. Awareness allows us to explore the reasons behind our sabotage. Sometimes we mindlessly sabotage out of habit and aren’t even aware that we ate the third cookie, or in my case, drank the second glass. Not saying we won’t choose to self-sabotage anyway, but at least when there is awareness, it is a conscious decision. Becoming mindful of what we consume means we make a more informed decision. Yes, there are times we are aware and choose the wrong choice anyway. We need to examine the motive behind our decision. Is it lack of discipline, an emotional response, the dopamine release the habit brings? Taking a few moments to examine our thought patterns behind our choices can really help us learn what we need to do to make better choices. For me, there is an emotional connection to my lattes. My body hates lattes, but my mind loves them. Currently my desire for lattes is greater than my desire to heal. What will be the tipping point?

Second, we need compassion. If we made it through the step of awareness and still opted for that extra cookie, extra drink, or whatever it is we are doing for sabotage, we need to be compassionate with ourselves. In the case of overconsuming alcohol, I apologized to my body for causing it harm, and then I forgave myself. I got out of bed and replenished my body with some fresh oranges and some beet juice. I felt like a wilted flower that was given a bit of water. I chose not to drink that day, or the next day, or the day after, until it became a habit again. In the past I may have belittled myself and laid around wallowing in the pity of my transgressions but that’s not who I choose to be anymore. We can’t beat ourselves into better habits. We need to instead treat ourselves as if we have our own best interests in mind; we need to be our number one motivator rather than our harshest critic. Meet yourself where you are currently at with love and acceptance.

Next, we need to practice affirmations. We are what we think, so if we constantly say, “I can't lose those 5 pounds”, our body responds by holding on to those 5 pounds. We do get a choice in what we think. We create patterns and habits through our thoughts. Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of where we are currently, we can choose instead to focus on some of the healthy habits and qualities we already have. And a good one to start with is to recognize the want to change. We recognize that what we are currently doing is not getting us to where we want to be. And then build on that. Also, vision boards are great to have as it's a visual we create that we can look at again and again to remind us of what we want most. Or if vision boards aren't your thing, you can simply envision the version of yourself you would like most to encompass and then practice what that feels like.

Make a small change today. Not tomorrow, but today. Messed up already today? Do something right now to counterbalance the sabotage. I drank too much so as soon as I woke up, I drank more water, ate nourishing food, and went for a walk. Make a small change, then keep up with those small changes until they become habits.

Plan big goals as well. The small goals get us going. The big goals sustain us. I know I’m not where I want to be. I know it will be hard work to get there. But I do know I have the capability to do it as I can look back on my years and see what I have accomplished when putting my mind to it. During my time as a Chronic Care Management Nurse, I used a tactic called Motivational Interviewing with clients. Part of my role was to learn what stage of change clients were currently in. This helped me understand their journey and motivation so I would know what actions they would be willing to take to reach their goals. Understanding the process of change can be the difference between change that lasts and change that does not. According to the Transtheoretical Model of Stages of Change developed by James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente1, there are 5 stages of change:

1. Precontemplation: not interested in change

2. Contemplation: knowing there is a need to change and thinking about changing

3. Preparation: planning change

4. Action: committing to change, taking action steps

5. Maintenance: the change has become a habit for 6 months or longer

Determine where you are on the change journey. I’m in the ‘preparation’ phase. This involves mentally and physically planning the steps I will take to get to my goals. In the case of building the habit of writing and yoga daily I’m currently in the ‘action’ phase of change. I mention that because that’s a healthy habit I already practice and this reinforces my mind that yes, I can change and have the discipline to do so. Tell someone else about your desire to change. Verbalizing it to ourselves is one thing. Telling others brings it to a whole new level. This may help us to stick with our new changes and be accountable. We are putting that energy outside of us whenever we talk about it and allowing that desire for change to grow.

And finally, don’t ever give up. Every moment is a second chance. When we do mess up, we don’t have to give up all the hard work of the past as if it doesn’t matter anymore. This is a journey, there is no pass or fail. Every single breath we take is a chance to start over. We don’t have to wait until tomorrow, or the New Year, or someday. We can begin again right now. Acknowledge where we are now with love, where we were, and where we would like to be. As Mark Twain says, “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.” Quitting a thousand times is never giving up. The 1001st time is when it may stick.

Recap on the steps we can take to overcome self-sabotage:

1. Awareness

2. Compassion

3. Affirmations

4. Small Change

5. Goal Setting

6. Never Give Up

Onward and upward. We’ve got this.

Source:

1. Adapted from: Story M, Holt K, Sofka D, eds. 2000. Bright Futures in Practice: Nutrition. Arlington, VA: National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health: Appendix F: “Stages of Change – A Model for Nutrition Counseling,” page 251.