Keep Going

And then there were crickets. I don’t have anything to write anymore. It’s all been said before, and usually someone says it better than I do. When I first started writing, I was passionate and couldn’t write fast enough. Then imposter syndrome came in and took up residence. This isn’t the first time this has happened. But as in the past, she stayed a spell and seems to have taken over. She told me to give up all my lofty goals and retreat. I didn’t object this time. At first, I ignored her and wrote anyway. But the writing felt choppy and not worthy of posting. I contemplate where to go from here.

A voice spoke to me this morning, not literally, it was the voice in my head. It said, “this is where the rubber meets the road, write anyway”. So here I am.

This applies not only to writing but also the healing journey I am on. When I first started writing about healing, I admit there was a part of me that felt like I had the answers. After all, I’ve been a nurse for almost 20 years and have been on my own healing journey for quite some time. That alone should give me some credibility with myself. But at times, it doesn't because I’m not healed. Granted, I’m also not practicing all the things I know about healing. I am still sitting here with my cup of coffee. I am still eating sourdough bread and having dairy. I tell myself it is okay because I’m drinking organic coffee, eating homemade sourdough, and drinking raw milk. But it’s not okay. I’m not healed. So how can I write about healing when I’m not even there yet?

Maybe it’s not about having the answers. Maybe it’s about asking the questions and waiting patiently for the answers. Maybe it’s about the journey, not the destination. Maybe it’s about taking steps in the right direction, slowly. Maybe I can’t rush the process. Maybe this, maybe that. I could maybe it all day long and come up with only more maybes.

I listen and write down the answers that arrive. The answers always seem to come when I set aside my ego. Interesting how that works. Here are the answers I received today:

1. Keep going forward. Even if you take a step backward or off the path. Just keep going.

2. Persevere. Start over again and again. Over and over. As many times as it takes. Failure on the healing path is giving up. Don’t give up.

3. Pause. When the world gets too loud, too overwhelming, too demanding, just pause. Come back to the breath. Focus only on the breath until the thoughts drown out and the mind becomes still.

4. Get outside and observe. Slow down. What’s the rush?

What seems like laziness to me is actually recovering from burnout. It took a lifetime to get to burnout, but here I am, recovering from burnout. It might be a season of slowing down and healing rather than accomplishing lofty goals. Maybe it’s both. But it’s okay if it’s not. It’s okay if I don’t know right now what is next. I’ll keep following the breadcrumbs and taking the small steps forward that lead to positive everlasting change (I hope).

I’ll keep pushing forward even if it is painstakingly slow. I’ll keep writing, even if I take a long pause. I’ll keep walking even if it’s a slow pace. I’ll keep practicing yoga, even if it’s only 5 minutes. I’ll keep going outside, even if only for a moment. I’ll keep at it even when I want to quit.