The Burden of Hope

I think it is exhausting to live in the idea of the unknown

Being in the bottom has its own clarity where you’re completely broken and at least you know where you stand or at the top where life and everything is easy but you see being in the middle, omo. Everything is happening to you but you don’t even know why and when it will end.

It’s like being in a space between things will get better and something you cannot handle anymore. It’s like a state where you are not okay but you are not destroyed either. Where you are surviving but surviving feels like the bare minimum and you’re not sure how much longer you can call it enough.

That state is the one I want to talk about.

One moment you wake up and something in you genuinely believes that it is going to be okay, that you are going to be okay, that all of the struggle, the uncertainty, the days that feel like they were designed specifically to break you is going to end someday.

You realize you are on the other side of yourself wondering how much more you are supposed to carry or how many more mornings you are supposed to wake up and choose to keep going when keeping going has start to feel really exhausting with nowhere else to go.

You keep asking the question that you’re also tired of asking,-when?

When will you wake up to observe a normal day that doesn’t require you to overthink the day within yourself before it even begins? When will the mood swing stopppp?

When will you go to bed the same person you were when you woke up. When will you stop pretending like you are fine when you are not? You and I don’t have an answer to these and just the thought of it exhausts me.

Just not knowing when all this suffering and exhaustion ends or not knowing if it will end is sickening to the mind. The waking up every day in the middle of something that has no clear exit and doing it anyway because there is nothing else to do can slowly ruin the mind

We’re left with just trying.

We don’t know yet if trying is enough but it is all there is. So we carry it and we keep going and we don’t even know where going leads but somehow, for now, that has to be okay.