Acceptance is not what you think

Hello readers, and welcome to another week of Acertivo: Making Mental Health Simple.

Today’s topic is something I’ve been circling in sessions for a while—and honestly, avoiding writing about.

Because if misunderstood, it might actually put people off therapy.

Let’s talk about acceptance.

In ACT, we often say: stop trying to get rid of difficult thoughts and feelings—and start building a life that matters, with them in the room.

Simple enough.

If only it actually felt that simple.

I want to focus on the acceptance part.

Mostly because I don’t love the word.

So in sessions I ask: “if I followed you around with a camera all day (yes, slightly creepy), what would I actually see you doing differently?”

And that’s where things get quiet.

Or I hear things like:

“I wouldn’t do that bad thing”

“I’d stop thinking about it”

And there it is.

What we usually mean by “acceptance” is this:

I’ll accept it… as long as it goes away.

That’s not acceptance.

That’s control.

And trying to control thoughts and feelings is, more often than not, a losing game.

So what is acceptance?

In sessions, I rarely use that word.

I say things like:

-making room

-creating space

-sitting with it

Because these sound like something you can actually do.

Not something you magically achieve.

And here’s the important part:

A simple example is alcohol use.

People are often surprised to learn that someone who’s been sober for 5 or even 10 years can still think about drinking regularly.

The expectation is: you get through the hard part… and then the thoughts stop.

But they don’t.

Acceptance looks more like this:

You walk into a supermarket.

You pass the alcohol aisle.

Your mind says, “One drink won’t hurt.”

And maybe another voice joins in:

“You deserve it.”

“It’s been a long day.”

Acceptance means this:

Having the urge… and choosing anyway.

Not wanting—choosing.

Because “wanting” invites a debate.

“Do I really want this?”

“Maybe just one?”

“Is this actually that bad?”

But choosing is quieter.

It’s less dramatic.

And often, more aligned with the life you’re trying to build.

So if you’re waiting to feel ready, calm, or free of doubt before doing what matters—

you might be waiting a long time.

Minds don’t work like that.

And neither do we.

And strangely, that’s not bad news.

Because when you stop waiting to want the right thing and start choosing it instead, something shifts.

Not dramatically. Not all at once. But the life you’re trying to build gets a little more real — one quiet choice at a time.

That’s what acceptance actually looks like.