Lisa sometimes struggles to relax with her partner, Zack. Sometimes his teasing is too much, and sometimes he dismisses her thoughts and feelings. It makes it hard for her to want to be close to him.
Todd often feels uncertain and uncomfortable around Zerena. She seems quick to criticize him. When he raises a topic for discussion, she often rolls her eyes and makes a snide remark. Respect is lacking, and attraction is waning.
You may feel the same way in your relationship. It can be hard to be around a partner when every time you are honest, vulnerable, and share your thoughts and feelings, you get negative comments. The more negative the reactions are, the less safe the relationship feels. When you don’t feel safe and secure in a relationship, it’s hard to feel attracted to a partner.
Attraction is not just about touch and other physical gestures and experiences. Most people also want to be attracted to a partner’s mind, heart, and soul. The more negative reactions we receive, the less attracted we feel to our partner in every way. This can lead to infidelity if we begin looking for someone who is more emotionally safe and available.
Communication Change: Science is clear – critical attacks and contempt destroy relationships and marriages. It’s vital to commit to eliminating these behaviors. (Gottman.com)
Listening to Understand: Empathetic listening to your partner’s sharing helps you understand what is on their mind and in their heart. This understanding is how intimacy and friendship grow. Being curious rather than attacking or defending keeps communication open and calm.
Notice the Positive: Acknowledging and affirming the positive in our partner and in their actions builds connection, appreciation, and trust. You know you are seeing each other through a kind, accepting lens.
Loving Words and Actions: As you both give love generously, your connection and trust deepen.
Respect Vulnerabilities: Being partners means knowing your partner well, including their insecurities, mistakes, griefs, and challenges. Treating those vulnerabilities with kindness and not using them against a partner is vital for safety to grow.
Clean Up Promptly: Admitting mistakes, taking accountability, apologizing, requesting forgiveness, changing behaviors, and more keep your lives clean. Conversely, if resentments, open wounds, and issues go unaddressed, the relationship feels less safe.
If you notice you can’t relax with each other, attraction is fading, or your interactions are overly negative, it’s time to try the steps above and/or reach out for help. The sooner these patterns shift in a positive direction, the safer your relationship will feel. You will grow together rather than apart.
Coach Susanne M. Alexander
Note: This article is not about the serious issue of Intimate Partner Violence/Domestic Violence. If you are experiencing this, please seek assistance as soon as possible.
If you’d like to become more mindful of how to navigate difficult moments in your relationship, the Accordia Way is designed to support you. It’s a process for making decisions together and overcoming challenges in unity, not by avoiding differences, but by learning to communicate with respect, clarity, and care.
Coach Susanne: Susanne@marriagetransformation.com
Coach Adrian: Adrian@thecoachadrian.com
1. Accordia Way Communication Mirror – a free 60-second check-in tool to help couples notice whether their conversations are respectful, safe, and collaborative over time. https://qrco.de/aw-mirror
2. “Let’s Answer Your Most Pressing Questions Together” – a simple form where you can share real questions and challenges about money, decision-making, parenting differences, and long-term planning. Your submissions help shape future videos and live sessions. https://qrco.de/aw-answer
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