Doing what you want to do, not what you think you should be doing.

Hello my fellow garden lovers, how are you?

Have you ever got caught up doing something because it’s expected of you? Maybe you’ve found yourself saying yes when really what you mean is no. Have you ever considered it might be making you feel stuck?

I’ve just finished doing a series of things that I had committed to, leaving me feeling somewhat tired, actually being honest- quite burnt out and in need of some space to come-to. I don’t know about you dear reader but I often find I do things because I can, without questioning if I really want to, or if it makes me happy. Let me explain how it started- I’ve been teaching art workshops lately (because I can), I thought that because this is something I can do and because people kept asking me to, then I should do it. And that’s just one example of many. Can you teach me how to make a mug? Can you tell me exactly how you started your businesses? Can you tell me how you create paintings?…

On top of all the other day to day activities like life, creating art and running the shop, it was no wonder I was feeling so tired, so disconnected from myself.

Somewhere along the way, having responded to so many peoples needs and desires, I’d forgotten what it was I was actually doing in the first place.

I went on a walk to Wrest Park in Silsoe, bought a cup of tea and a slice of carrot cake and went and sat by the river with the ducks. I opened my journal and I wrote, I wrote pages and pages until I’d worked through the jumble of thoughts and ended up with the realisation that I’d been ignoring my own emotional response in doing these things. You see dear reader, I have these guiding words/emotions that I usually ask myself before taking on tasks and I hadn’t been asking them.

I’m an introvert, it doesn’t mean I’m not sociable, it means I need a lot of time on my own to recharge my batteries. I know this but I was doing far too much without giving myself recovery time, it’s a constant balancing act. However, as I approach 50 (couple of years time), I’m having a little reassess of the way I want to live. I’m starting to think that this see-saw approach is no longer working, instead, I’m wondering what it would be like to only take on things that align with how I want to feel- and that is calm, content and at peace.

The way I get to these emotions is walking in nature, gardening, my art and having coffee with good friends. I’ve also realised that my art and pottery, although for sale, is just for me, it’s something I do to release my own creativity, my own emotional response and connection to the seasons. I need it like air, but I don’t need, nor have any desire to teach it. Sorry.

I’m wondering if I need to ask a new set of questions before I say yes to things, or offer my services, like; Does this connect me to nature? Will this bring me a sense of satisfaction and leave me feeling calm and content? If the answer is no, then it’s a no-go.

Despite being an introvert I love building connections with people and I’ve realised the connections I enjoy the most are those built on a shared love of the seasons and gardening. I’ve realised I love to pass on my knowledge on life, gardens, creativity and I love a good old natter on life topics like this one, but I don’t want to share my art/pottery skills that are personal to me.

So I’m journaling (pen to paper) about how I might like to show up in-person, in a way that feels good. Already I’m thinking informal garden mornings/evenings, bring your camera kinda thing.

I’ve got my online community A Year Of Noticing starting next month and I’m looking forward to that. We’ll be scrapbooking our way through the seasons.

I’m wondering, do you journal? I couldn’t live without physically putting pen to paper everyday. I feel at odds if I haven’t made time for this ritual that I love so much. It’s a release, writing stuff down, seeing words appear from my subconscious onto paper, it’s deeply cathartic and can be a real eye opener, especially when I hit on something that has been lost to fog for a while.

I’ll write soon but in the meantime you can leave me a comment or follow along with my stories on Instagram here.

Emma.

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