Ten Simple Truths About Living with Metastatic Cancer

Here are some things I’ve learned since being diagnosed.

1. As a patient, you’re sometimes in between worlds now
Only those with terminal disease (or sometimes those who care for them) have access to the space between life & what’s beyond it. When you’re in this space, time moves more slowly, senses are heightened, all noises of the ridiculous becomes muted and the light and colour of God is revealed. There’s a lot of wisdom in these moments.

2. Cancer is not invited to everything
If you’re at a celebration, or doing something you love, ask yourself whether you’ve invited cancer along. If you just want to enjoy the moment, put thoughts about cancer away. And if someone brings it up, tell them you can talk about it with them another time. If you have kids (and also if you are married) they will need to breathe in their daily life, away from cancer. Compartmentalize.

3. Mental lists are helpful
When I’m having a scan or a procedure, I make mental lists. Not of things to do, or anything stressful. I make lists of things/people/trips/places I have loved and am thankful for—things like that. Another daydream is to imagine every detail of a favourite space, including those from long ago, or remember affectionate moments of peace, or what it feels like to have a swim. The time passes quickly and it feels nice.

4. Some people will bail on you. You will be making new friends.
After you’re diagnosed, some people will flee from you. Others will seem unable to understand…well, reality. There are 3 reasons people flee: They are afraid of death, they have unresolved grief, or they are simply upset that the spotlight has wandered from them. This opens up your energy for people you can truly connect with. It’s a surprise, sometimes, to see who ends up on your team. :)

5. You can make up for a lot of loss in very little time
We all have bucket lists for experiences, but the bucket list for relationships can’t be forgotten. You’ll be surprised at how much you can make up for in terms of some of your life connections. Give it a try.

6. Always find something to look forward to
A favourite snack, a trip, a smile, a walk, appointment television! Whatever you are looking forward to this week/day/month, keep it top of mind. I learned this one from being a mom. It worked for my family and it still works for me.

7. Life isn’t just measured in its length
It’s natural to think about how unfair it is that so many people are going to live longer, and how sad that others we loved did not even live as long. Maybe we get an explanation in the afterlife, but it’s helpful for now to ponder the richness and meaning in however many years we’ve had so far. There’s a lot more in there than we might see on first glance.

8. Mental health tools are limited, at best
95% of mental health supports are in the chirping, atheistic realm of modern western life. So if you don’t find solace in the book clubs, paint nights or mindfulness meditation groups so popular in hospitals these days, or if you find your therapist is just kind of parroting things back to you, consider other ways you want to spend that time instead.

9 Your family will be okay
This is obviously the number one concern for many of us. But take some deep breaths here. Families survive after a loved one’s cancer death. You can make documents, line things up legally, bring people together and create a legacy—and you should. Then it’s ultimately their work to carry on in life. And they will. Don’t neglect yourself in your concern for them. Let them take care of you too, because this will be a comfort when you’re gone.

10 If you’re looking for answers, go to the spaces that are full of big questions
Whether it’s praying together in your congregation or hiking amidst the towering pines, the places with the big questions are where it’s at. You can feel the vibrations of the unknown, and the ancient history of your ancestors who, in very different times, were also curious—and created such beauty!—from those questions. There’s a lot to appreciate as we bask in the presence of the holy. Perhaps that’s an answer in itself.