New story: 'Slow Down. Sniff Deeply.'

Giant Human is off this week so he asked I, Ronan Pug, to write the story.

I said “No”.

He offered me much yogurt.

I said, “Yes”.

This is my story. It is about me. It is called “A Life in the Day of Ronan Pug”.

Giant Human approaches.

He carries Terrible Harness and Dreaded Leash.

I hate Terrible Harness.

I hate Dreaded Leash.

I hate Giant Human.

I, Ronan Pug, will not be dominated.

“Grr. Grr. Grr.”

Giant Human is undaunted.

My grrs do not deter him.

I flee. Giant Human will not find me in the table cave.

I activate Invisible Mode.

Giant Human finds me.

I surrender.

For now.

I am harnessed.

I am shamed.

No I am not! We’re going for a walk!

I am happy.

Happy happy happy.

I love Terrible Harness.

I love Dreaded Leash.

I love Giant Human.

I trot to the window. I survey my domain.

You are mine, World.

Giant Human is slow. Hurry, Giant Human!

Giant Human puts on the eye covers. He puts on the head cover. He puts on the chest-and-arm cover. He puts the feet covers.

I, Ronan Pug, am not ashamed. I cover nothing.

Giant Human is absurd.

I despise Giant Human.

I circle his legs with my leash. Maybe he will fall and he will die and I will eat him.

He does not fall.

This time.

I can be patient.

No I cannot!

The door opens and the smells of the world pour in and it is Heaven.

I love Giant Human.

I love to sniff the beautiful things of the world.

And pee on them.

Giant Human tugs me.

I want to pee!

“Not here,” says Giant Human.

“Grr. Grr. Grr.”

I will not be controlled, Giant Human!

I will not abide ... WHAT’S THAT?!

I lift my front right paw. To hear better.

I activate Stillness Mode.

I wait. I wait. I wait.

All is clear. Carry on.

When I am happy, my ears bounce.

I am happy.

Bounce-a bounce-a bounce-a.

There is a bush ahead. The leaves are covered in something gooey.

I pee on the gooey-leafed bush. My pee tells the world, that I, Ronan Pug, am Lord of the Neighborhood.

I am king of all ... what’s that?

A dog.

He is bigger.

I will dominate him.

Giant Human picks me up and carries me around the corner, denying me the chance to dominate him. Or make him my best friend.

I hate Giant ... I smell pee!

Giant Human sets me down. I tug him to the bushes-that-smell-of-pee.

I nuzzle my face into the pee smells. Oh you perfect perfume!

Sniff sniff sniff.

The pee of dogs. The pee of cats. The pee of squirrels and possums and sheep and chickens and hedgehogs.

And now the pee of me.

I smell goat poop!

It is food.

I love other foods also. Yogurt and broccoli and dried cow lung and frozen blueberries and salmon and trash and yogurt and grass and avocado and mushrooms and apples and pizza and yogurt and anything anyone is eating except coffee and black licorice.

I, Ronan Pug, am never not hungry.

I must eat always.

Giant Human is not watching.

I dash.

I gobble.

Goat poop is good food.

Giant Human shouts but he is too slow. Ha HA!

The goat poop is already on its way to my stomach. Mmm.

You are pathetic, Giant Human!

We make another turn.

Giant Human removes Dreaded Leash.

I am free.

However, I must stay close to Giant Human. To keep him safe in the Big Woods.

The road is now made of ground. I like how it feels on my paws. Soft and earthy. I like how it smells. Later, I will lick my feet. Then I will lick Giant Human.

I, Ronan Pug, am a free-roaming sniffer dog, king of the forest.

Giant Human walks ahead. I sniff. I pee. I catch up. Giant Human is safe.

Giant Human walks ahead. I sniff. I pee. I catch up. Giant Human is safe.

And so it goes.

I, Ronan Pug, pee amazingly.

I can pee 27 times on one walk.

I am good at other things also. Like catching tossed treats, barking at strangers, making best friends with strangers, slouching, and releasing my stink-butt smells onto Giant Human’s lap.

Someone is coming! Do they have treats for me?

No, they do not.

They do not interest me.

I will not forsake Giant Human forever and go to live with them.

This time.

I must poop.

How to poop by I, Ronan Pug:

1. Find a grassy place.

2. Poop.

3. Walk to the nearest mud puddle.

4. Face in any direction.

5. Paw all your feet backward to send grass flying and fill your paws with mud.

6. Tell Giant Human to put poop in bag.

This day is full of daffodils and sunshine and the buzzing of bees and farm smells and flower smells and forest-after-a-rain smells.

This day is a beautiful day.

Smells I love are squirrel poop, horse poop, bird poop, dog poop, sheep poop, squirrel pee, horse pee, bird pee, dog pee, and sheep pee.

And yogurt.

My ears bounce.

Bounce-a bounce-a bounce-a.

Down the hill. Over the stream. Up the hill and into the woods. I sniff and pee and sniff and listen and sniff and trot through the dappled light. I hear birds close by and trains far off and insect buzzings and distant dog barks and the breeze in the trees and leaves crunching underpaw.

Giant Human walks ahead. I sniff. I pee. I catch up. Giant Human is safe.

Thanks to I, Ronan Pug.

I, Ronan Pug do not like walking when it is hot.

Also I do not like walking when it is cold.

Also I do not like walking when it is raining.

When it is cold or raining, I activate Stiff Legs mode until Giant Human understands.

He does not understand very quickly. Eventually he takes me home. Which is full of many beds, like sofas, chairs, carpets, piles of laundry, and laps.

Today it is not hot or cold or raining.

It is warm and breezy and pee-scented.

I, Ronan Pug, love today. I love Terrible Leash and Dreaded Harness and Giant Human.

I love my world and everything in it.

Our walk is almost done.

I wait for the magic word.

It is coming soon.

The magic word is, “treat”.

We are home.

Giant Human looks at me.

Say it, Giant Human. Say it.

“Are you ready for a treat?”

Yes oh yes oh yes I, Ronan Pug, am ready for a treat.

I push through the door which opens at my command.

Giant Human frees me from Terrible Leash and Dreaded Harness.

I hate them. “Grr. Grr. Grr.”

Then I remember “treat”.

I sprint upstairs.

Where is Giant Human?

Has he forgotten me?

I have never known such sadness.

Here he comes! He has not forgotten me!

I wiggle.

I sit.

No! I cannot sit!

The treat is dried cow lung! DRIED COW LUNG!!!

Giant Human tears the precious treat into small pieces. He hides them in my chew-toy box.

I wait. I wait. I wait.

I drool.

Then comes the word that releases me.

“Find”.

Ecstasy!

The chew toys fly.

Giant Human used to hurry me along.

Lately, though, he has learned to take his time.

He is beginning to understand.

The world is amazing.

Slow down.

Sniff deeply.

— I, Ronan Pug

Ronan Pug is an American author living in Germany. He loves naps and yogurt.

Each month, 320 Sycamore Studios publishes original stories, recommendations, news, and links to the world of children’s books. Everything is 100 percent human-written.