nsfw - A little bit about myself - pt 1

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

“Tell us a little bit about yourself.”
Do you really want to know?
I am a woman. A mother. A friend. A deeply spiritual being. A healer. An artist.
Do you want to know how I became those things?
Let's look at them through
the lens of sexuality.
Events, places
where I found myself
involved in the most basic of
energy trades
My pussy
for praise
Too many to count
and many more besides,
Together they showed me
the powerful, undeniable part
of the woman I am
These events taught me
the give and take of pleasure
the give and take of pain
These events taught me
to
roar
I am a sexual woman
I am a woman,
mostly because
that is what I call myself
think of myself as
A woman is what I am
A deeply sexual female human
who was shaped
formed
grown
from tender flesh and innocence
Wide blue eyes, face flushed with fear
Rubbing rubbing it feels so good
but I will be punished
if they
catch me
Turned over a knee
spanked
maybe even with my pants down
Just the thought makes me rub harder
I am only three: I don't even know the name of
this special part of my body
It’s just this smooth smooshy part right here, and this
hard little nub in the middle
that I rub and rub
until that good feeling grows
larger and larger
higher and higher
a beautiful bubble I make
and burst
to help me
calm down
To ease the fear
of the
punishment for
the act itself
------------------
My mom called it 'swinging'
for reasons I cannot fathom
Making me wince and flush
whenever I heard the word
innocently spoken
in innocent conversations
My innocence
was not
so
clear
I was punished for swinging
spanked, hard
Forever linking
pleasure
fear
and pain
Because she didn't know any better
she never took me aside
Never told me
it's normal, it's okay
It's just something
to be done
in private
I never knew
---------------------
A few years
and many spankings later
because swinging
is something I could never stop
I discover that there is more to me
More to that special place
There is an ‘inside’ of me
A hole that leads who knows where
It’s not very deep
but sometimes
it is very
wet
I learned how babies were made
from my cousin who
lived down the street
The man takes his thing
and puts it in
your hole
and pees in there
and it makes you
pregnant
I was horrified
told her that it could not
possibly
be true
----------------------
I overheard my mom
calling me a 'sexpot'
to one of her friends
I was vivacious
talkative
full of a longing
that I couldn't name
Anyone who paid me
any attention
got the full force
of my
uncontrolled
radiance
As one might expect
it was any man around
ending up on the receiving end
Before I even
knew what flirting was -
what it led to
what it hinted at
I was accused of
doing
it
In her eyes
I was
a whore
before I even knew
what that meant
------------------
Swinging
was my version
of three deep breaths
whenever I was stressed in any way
I would swing at school
pressing myself to
bathroom sinks
the corners of desks
not stopping
until that feeling
burst
giving that blessed
relief
Even now I cringe
with shame
thinking about it
My poor teachers
They would say
sit down
but I wouldn't sit down
until I was done
Bewildering my classmates
(or maybe not)
Flustering my teachers
I can only imagine
So much discomfort,
shame, embarrassment
all for the want of
a simple
conversation
----------------------
I learned some new words
around that time
it is my ‘pussy’ I rub
This release, this burst of relief
it is actually called an ‘orgasm’
The rubbing is not called ‘swinging’
it was actually ‘masturbation’
and apparently it is
sexual
I don’t really know what ‘sex’ is, but
I know I like to ‘masturbate’
I love this feeling, this ‘orgasm’
when I rub my ‘pussy’
It’s a balm
and a drug
It gets me through
my anxious life
I didn't like the words, though
‘pussy’ sounded messy
and embarrassing
‘orgasm’ sounded so serious and
scientific
rigid
but not in a good way
and don’t get me started on
‘masturbation’
Sounded too much like ‘disturb’
Sounded too much like something
one shouldn't do
The words made me uncomfortable
even as their actions
settled my soul
--------------------
For continuing ed
the dirty, forbidden book
Flowers in the Attic
brought sex - in the form of incest -
to a whole generation of girls
The book was passed around
furtively
with sideways glances
whispers
and giggles
For those
undergoing horrific, unspeakable trauma
at home
it was undoubtedly disturbing
triggering
For me it was arousing
titillating
educational
It taught me
the word 'come'
and more importantly
it taught me that
pussy pleasure could be found
in the written word
The connection was being made
the tracks being laid
masturbation
is sex
therefore
sex
can relieve
stress
-------------------------
Things were changing
within and without
My breasts started to grow
as did my awareness
I made friends with a girl
in eighth grade
Her life was so different than mine
Her parents cussed and drank and smoked
Her living room was messy, littered
with ashtrays and beer cans
No pictures of Jesus on the wall,
no crosses
and there was a box in the living room
connected to the TV
which somehow let them watch
R rated movies
So much sin
in one little house
I was as intrigued
as I was
scared
When her dad yelled
'JESUS FUCKING CHRIST'
I was sure that
lightning was
going to strike
him down
It didn't
Life went on
A new lesson learned:
Jesus apparently
wasn't as sensitive
and petty
and violent
as his
dad
My friend was much more comfortable
in her body than I was
and she had brothers,
older and younger
so she
had seen
penises
They had a pop-up camper in their driveway
Her older brother had a friend
We snuck in one night
with a naughty plan
My heart was racing
with the sin
we were about to commit
She went to one end with the friend
Pulling the curtains closed behind her
I nervously entered
the den of iniquity
at the other end
Her brother seemed as nervous as I was
but we kissed for a while
I liked it
At one point I reached for the front of
his pants
I was really
just
curious
He backed away so fast
you'd think I'd tried to stab him
Don't do that
he said
I didn't understand why
Then told me to take off my shirt
I wasn't even wearing bras yet
The light was dim,
a blue glow
and he stared at my chest
as I squirmed
I felt so exposed
Finally he said
in a tone of disgust
dismay
One of them is bigger
than the other
Another lesson learned:
my body was there to be
observed
critiqued
and there was probably always going to be
something
wrong
with it
---------------------
The following level of my sexual awakening
was truly next level
A special side quest
which served me well in later years
but at the time
was a turning point
It was when I began
to fulfil my mother's prophecies
no matter how much
she punished me
for it
I met him on a
hot, hot summer day
He was slender, tan, perfectly feathered hair
and piercing eyes that seemed to see
right through me
right through my
coke bottle glasses
my awkwardness
right through
my bikini
But he saw me
and I saw him see me
Desire came calling
and I wanted him
more than anything
I began pursuit
Forbidden lust
makes it all the more exciting
The story of a 27-year-old man
unwilling to go to jail
for a horny 13-year-old
who wanted him to fuck her
who begged him to touch her
But he never laid a finger
or anything else
on me
no matter what I said or did
Something in him
held back
He drove the sexiest car I'd ever seen
and sometimes he gave me
a ride home from school
The jealous looks
made me feel
worldly and
grown up
He gave me gifts
He took me to my first concert
(1983, Journey, and
yes
it was
amazing)
But the best gift he gave me
was his voice
Oh, his voice
it melted me
I knew how far the phone cord would stretch
in every house I went to
to babysit
Pulled into
the darkest corner I could find
so I could slip one hand
into my panties
the other gripping the phone
as if I were gripping
the man himself
He taught me
some new words
and he taught me
seduction
He taught me to masturbate
loud enough
so that he could hear my breathing
He loved to hear me come
He taught me to tease
with my voice
please
with my
voice
I never knew what he did
on the other end of the line
whatever it was,
it was quiet
I, on the other hand
on the other end
was not so quiet
When it finally ended
I discovered I had
a superpower

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

------------------
So there I was
a high school freshman
A brain, a dork, a nerd
with un-cool clothes, unruly hair
glasses so thick it turned my face
into a sliver of itself
But also
I had a grown man
a fox
with a hot car
who made me feel special
and
I had a pussy who I loved
but never spoke her name
because the word itself
made me feel dirty
But she was like a girl scout
always prepared
As I got to know her,
explored with a finger
that secret place that
would soon start
to bleed on a regular basis
but at this point
was still just
a slippery cave of mystery
I realized that
something could fit inside me
I knew about penises
but
having been raised
with sisters
and modest parents
I had never actually seen one
I had no idea of
size, length, even texture
But I wanted
oh how I wanted
to feel something inside me
Something to touch me
deeper
than I could reach
something... bigger
Finally I realized
I had it all along
Love’s Baby Soft Perfume
marketed to girls my age
because innocence is sexier
than you think
and the bottle
is
a phallus
It went in just a little
at first
then I pushed past that
Something tore
it made me bleed
I pushed some more
and again
It was interesting
and I felt a delicious
naughtiness
but learned
that the bottle alone
could not make me come

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

It was penetration, but was it sex?
It was definitely
defining
------------------
I learned about actual fucking
A year or two down the road
Contact lenses
turned out to be a ticket
to exactly what I craved
I got myself a cute rocker boyfriend
the very first one
Heavy blond hair, blue eyes
When he smiled, they crinkled at the outer edges
my penchant for
men with laugh lines
carving itself into my psyche
forever
We loved each other then
(side note: we still do)
and oh did we want each other
We made out, he touched me
gently, almost tentatively
he kissed the same
I would rub his dick
even put it in my mouth
but he never let himself come
and he
wouldn't
fuck
me
I want to wait until we get married
he would say
I respect you too much to
go all the way
he would say
So we broke up
A few months later
he agreed to do it
We weren't going to be
getting married
so it was okay now
We talked about it,
planned it
in breathless whispers
And so while babysitting
at the house next door to mine
I snuck my cute rocker ex-boyfriend in
When the moment arrived
we fumbled around in the dark
There was no embarrassment
no real awkwardness
we loved each other
and were friends, after all
Eventually he found his way
His dick slid into me smoothly,
easily
and he looked puzzled
and a little hurt
‘are you sure you’ve never done this before?’
he asked
I did not understand the question
I never really knew what
‘virginity’ meant
But I had left mine next door
sitting on my vanity
next to my mascara
and little ceramic animals
We eventually got better at it
did it quite often, in fact
He was not only my
first love
my first sex
He was also
my first
fuck buddy
---------------------
As I flip through
this coffee table book
My Sexual Awakenings:
The Early Years
I keep finding her in different times
different places
the slut the nymphomaniac the whore
the maneater
That’s what they called me
Daryl Hall and John Oates
even wrote me a theme song
which I proudly claimed
My Christian friends
horrified by my behavior
stepped back
and away
Afraid of the lightning
I guess
My new friends
theater friends
were delighted by my exploits
Admiringly, they said
you go through men like Kleenex
I did
But no one really knew the extent of
my appetite
or understood
why I was so ravenous
----------------------
I found that little whore in the front seat of a car
with a cute guy she barely knew
slipped away from the party
to give him head
a real blow job
all the way to coming
I swallowed
because I didn't know
spitting was an option
I never liked giving head
until recently
but back then I would not only
do it willingly
I would do it
well
Oh, the praise I received
Oh, the power I felt
holding boys in my mouth
as my name left their lips
in between
words of devotion
that sounded like prayer
Another level achieved
another tool
in the treasure chest
of a sexual woman
coming
into
being
----------------
I once found my horny self
at a party
in the bedroom of
my ex-boyfriend-turned-fuckbuddy
lying there, happy as a clam
(pun intended)
wet and slick and sticky
Reeking of cheap cologne and
teenage come
Playing with myself until
the next boy came in
to fuck me
Then the next
Then another
I loved it
because I had discovered
that if you let boys fuck you,
they will then
lie down next to you
and hold you
and pet you
and say nice things
which made me feel better
than any orgasm ever could
I can come any old time
and way more efficiently
But the attention, the affection,
the loving words, the praise
from all the boys
that was the real addiction
the true rarity
the most
precious
thing
And I got
so much
that night
------------------------
In those days
my panties were almost always wet
because I loved what I needed
and I needed what I loved
I lived for the rapid, anxious thrusts
of boys who
knew not what they were doing
But especially for the boys
who weren’t afraid
to take their time
to touch me
to bring
me to
bursting
Another level added:
the possibility of coming
by someone else’s hand
----------------------
Here's probably
the most important
chapter
It was the summer before
my senior year
I found my sweaty self in the back
of a silver AMC Spirit Hatchback
with the most beautiful boy I’d ever fucked
He liked me, he made me laugh
he made me come
We were ‘going together’
and sometimes we were coming
together
Like that evening
in the parking lot of a neighborhood playground
in the pouring rain
Condensation inside as wet as outside
but not as wet
as me
and the come dripping
from my pussy
Oh, that boy,
he was gorgeous
So was the baby
that I pushed into the world
nine months later
The baby I was forced to carry
forced to relinquish
My grief tried to tear me in two that year
I refused to yield to it
I survived
but that is a story for another time
So I was the pregnant girl
in my senior year
in 1983
Disappointing my teachers
who thought I had so much potential
Shamed by everyone
in disgrace
Because even though
by that time
everyone was
going all the way
I was still to blame
for letting this happen
--------------------
But don't get me wrong
I still wanted to fuck
Hell, I fucked boys while I was pregnant
and as soon as I could
after I signed the papers
and the baby was gone
As it turns out,
the need for affection and attention
never really go away
I snuck a boy
in through my bedroom window
My mom walked in
 We were just lying there, he and I
in the affection-and-attention
portion of the program
That didn't matter
My mother
threw up her hands
threw me out of the house
sent me to live
with her younger brother
in Florida
to keep herself from
killing me
It was a whole different world there
Winter in Florida
is nothing like winter in Illinois
Everything is slower
And the rain is like sex
It arrives
it pounds
it pours
it leaves
Of course there was a boy
beautiful, of course
brown skin
lean and masculine
I was his first
I myself has a lot of firsts
there in the land of
night-blooming jasmine
stickiness
and sweat
I saw my first porn movie
Fucked my first full-grown adult man
Had my first affair with
a married man
A miscarriage
A betrayal
A reckoning
All of which are stories
somewhat worth telling
However
The pivotal, monumental event,
a chapter to bookmark:
A girl
a gorgeous, sexy, kaleidoscope-eyed girl
I felt myself
become a different kind of woman
the moment I saw
the desire mirrored in her eyes
The second I reached out a trembling hand
to cup her heavy breast
rub her nipple with my thumb
I felt myself
becoming a different kind of wet
when I put my mouth on her glossy lips
snaked my fingers through her hair
pulled her down beside me
She touched me like my body was her own
I touched her in kind
And my world exploded
and soared
Women had now entered the chat
and I couldn’t get enough of them
running my fingers
down their backs and into their holes
I bit them, licked them, tasted them
crawled inside them in every way
teased them
made them beg
made them come
Screamed aloud
clutching fistfuls
of clothing, or flesh,
or hair
when they then showed me
what I had done for them
Another level
Another piece of the puzzle
handed to me by
the women whose cries and moans
I pulled from deep within them
Women who then crept into my pussy
one finger at a time
until it curled into a fist
inside my cunt
and they moved it there carefully
until I begged them
to just
fucking
pound
me
It was the first time
and it would be the only time
for the next several years
but believe me
the women came
back
------------------
Note to you:
this is
just
the tip