Go F*** Yourself

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"Go fuck yourself"
so they say
as if that would be punishment
But I think to myself
"Would that I could..."
If I could fuck myself – I would start
standing face to face with me
I would take my hands in mine, and wrap them around my waist
around my neck
in a deep embrace
I would bury my nose in my neck and
inhale deeply
I would take a handful of my hair in my hand
grip, not pull – just fill my hand with the wild, soft curls
that flow down my back
Then I would pull away slightly, and
brush the curls back and over my ears, so I could
lay my hands gently against my face
fingers to temples
thumbs brushing my cheekbones
gently, gently
I would gaze into my beautiful Oregon Coast eyes
They are the sea after a storm
They are the shining waters
They are the window
They are music
I would look deep into my eyes, unafraid
I’d say
take me wherever you want to go
I would pull my face toward me,
tilt my head
meet my lips with my own
God my mouth feels amazing
I open my lips, press a little harder
my breath meets itself, my tongue
touching
my tongue
exploring just a little
I taste my breath
inhale my soul
I want to devour myself
merge myself with me
I would make me weak in the knees with that kiss
I would ignite a flame
low in my body
which I know
is starting to throb
My hands drift down, back to my waist
my back,
and lower still
until they are just grazing my ass
I will moan with pleasure
how good my body feels
pressed against mine
I fit myself perfectly
the kiss continues, passion igniting
my hands return to my face,
fingers reaching through my curls
to cup my head
not too gently – not too firmly
I’m not feeling aggressive
not yet, anyway
but the potential is there
I can feel it in my body’s tension
That anticipation
I know
this is going to be
really good
extraordinary
I know that next time I will not be so patient
but this time
we are going to
take it slow
with intention
I will step back then
take my hand, take a few steps backward
lead me to the bedroom
It is there and then
I will slowly reach under my shirt
Watching myself for a moment
to make sure this is okay
It is
I let out a sigh as my hands
cup my breasts
I love the sensation of being
touched through a layer of fabric
through a veil
a layer of excitement
a layer of sensuality
My breasts are soft
they’ve fed two beautiful children
The nipples are low,
erect
and my thumbs brush them gently
back and forth
eliciting a sigh
from me
I pull back from myself
enough to lift my shirt up and over my arms
then my bra
My skin is soft, warm
the texture of silky cloth
that is just slightly loose
I smell amazing
like warmth
slightly sweet
but also
like the earth
like sunshine
I know I’m shy about my body
I can see the silvery lines
stretch marks
borne of carrying
borne of birthing
borne of feeding
life itself
I worship this body
I want to let myself know
I am safe with me
I run my fingers along the grooves
reverently
stopping to once again brush over the nipples
only a little harder this time
I take my breasts in my hands,
rolling my nipples
just hard enough
I gasp
I know
I like a little pain with my pleasure
I kiss my mouth again
hang on to my bottom lip with my teeth
for just a second
or two
my breath is coming fast
I take off my own shirt, my own bra
I am breast to breast with me
my body is growing warmer
desire rising
one hand wraps around my waist again,
one hand drops down,
skims my belly,
fingers slide over the fabric and
find that crevice
from whence everything comes
a gasp
as I push my fingers more firmly there
I can feel the sacred valley
warm and full
I stroke me there
slow
firm
and my breath stops for just a second
I want more
I want inside
but
not
yet
I stop stroking
making me moan with longing
then I step back
and ask me what I want
ravage me
tenderly
I would say
force me gently to my knees
make me to taste you
allow me to show you
what I know
I would lay me down
I would press my body to me
I would
bite
my shoulders
my nipples
the inside of my thighs
I would nuzzle between my legs
inhaling
the petrichor
I would lower my mouth
and first lap gently
the slippery slopes
like a split nectarine
the juice
coating my chin
then, when
I found that spot
that perfect angle
my upper lip
will press against the bone
my tongue will lift,
the smooth underside
brushing my clit
back and forth
until the waves
are a tsunami
washing over me
I reach into me
one finger, two
crook my fingers
as in a gesture that says
come here
arcing, pressing
that spot
behind the bone
that the clit rides in front of
it feels like a sea creature
wet and firm
I watch me ride my fingers
so close to coming
so close
but I am a bit of a tease,
and I straighten my fingers
smiling at my groan
of interruption
but
I want to be
all the way
inside me
Pouring lube like water
a trickle becomes
a stream
until all is wetness
I put in three fingers, stacked in a pyramid
I work them in and out
until it’s time to add the fourth
my hand folds in upon itself
inside me
the thumb follows
and my hand curls into a fist inside me
I will bring forth a roar
from as deep within me
as I am
within me
pushing
gently
twisting
faster and faster
I will raise myself up on one arm
while I reach inside me with the other
I will take my eyes into me
as I soar through them
I will plunge into my eyes as
I plunged into my pussy
deep
careful
yet barely
restrained
I will not let me look away
I will say
keep your eyes open
and I would watch
as they widen
the pupils expanding
allowing more of me in
even as
I start to push harder
I will tell me to play with myself
and my fingers will find my
swollen clit
engorged
and slick
one finger on either side
stroking to the rhythm of my hips
the rhythm of my hand
so deep inside that my wrist is
tightly held
in my pussy’s wet grasp
I keep
pushing
keep
twisting
keep
stroking
I know just when to slow it down
speed it up
I listen
tuned to my gasps
my sighs
and when I start to hold my breath
I know it’s time
I allow the storm to take over
I will make myself shake
grab the sheets
grab my head
and let out a cry
of power and
pleasure
that echoes through my chest
my belly
I will gently extricate myself
press my palm there for a moment
counterpressure
as my pussy realigns
myself
coming back
into focus
I will wrap my hands around my wrists
hold them above my head
while I press myself
against me
my leg between my legs
my hip
pressing
just the right spot on me
while I ride my hip
slippery now
everywhere
my mouth will be
kissing, sucking, biting, licking
teasing
I look into my eyes
and we feel it
taking
over
I will push myself back
roll me
my face to the bed
my ass in the air
and fuck myself
hard
fast
sometimes toys
are better than boys
they hum
they last
until I come again
again
I will give myself a rest then
turn me around to face myself
lie down beside me
blow softly across my breasts
my belly
to cool myself down
fingers tracing gently
softly
so softly
my forearm, my wrist
the palm of my hand
tenderly
lovingly
I will brush my curls from my face
press my lips to my eyelids
taste my tears
press my mouth to my parted lips
taste my breath
I will know
I am safe with me
I will know