Eris in Love

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Part One: Setting the Stage
I met someone, I say. I think he might be the one.
Eyebrows of doubt lifting skyward
rueful shaking of heads
heavy sighs of long-suffering
and gentle admonitions
from those who love me
who have witnessed my heartbreaks
Please take it slow, they say
You always move too fast
You’re a lot, they say
You’re… intense, they say
As if
I am not aware
Part Two: How It Is
My love is intense
Undeniable, irresistible,
even addictive
It is candlelight, it is campfire
it is the sun
Heat and light
burning
blinding
and
unchangeable
My grief is all-consuming
When love collapses and fades
into fog
fire
and memory
and I’m once again facing
another dark night of the soul
a reckoning
another awakening
another
lesson
And yet,
my hope is unshakeable
that someone
will be
the one
So I keep
trying
Part Three: The Fine Print
I've come to realize
my love is a gift
inside which lies
disruption
tower moments
and awakenings
which I agreed to deliver
back when I was only
a tiny point of light
eager to become
eager to feel
eager to love
You will love, I was told
You will experience
whatever you can imagine
You will be worshiped,
you will be discarded
You will be chosen,
you will be betrayed
You will be daughter and sister, I was told
You will be a chance meeting,
a coworker, a caregiver, a friend
A lover for a night or months or years
You will be a wife for decades
A mother for eternity
You will give birth again and again
to others
and
ultimately
to yourself
You will taste, I was told
every desire
You will enter and be entered
You will be touched tenderly
made to weep
You will be handled roughly
made to weep again
You will be forced to your knees
in obeisance
and you will fall
to your knees
in reverence
You will be baptized, I was told
in the liquid love
of humanity:
milk and honey
semen and sweat
tears and blood
the hot drench of birth
the cold sludge of death
Exempt from nothing
Immersed in everything
You will love deeply, I was told
You will know joy and awe
abandonment and surrender
You will suffer
You will cause suffering
You will unwittingly
sow discord
cause destruction
create chaos
all in the name
of love
You will have everything, I was told
and lose it all
You will die of grief
and rise to meet
the dawn of new love
over and over
until you lose count
There is a reason, I was told
all of those souls
were put in your path
your orbit
your body:
To be loved
without condition
even if they don’t
recognize it
All of those souls
will be shown
a truth
Theirs alone to accept, explore,
seek to understand
Theirs alone to ignore, regret,
suffer from
or even
hate you
for
And, I was told
you may never know
the reason
or the outcome
You may never know
forgiveness
That is the price you will pay, I was told
to be a truth-teller
to offer a prize of molten gold
to anyone
without guile
or even awareness
with a full heart
and open hands
knowing
without knowing
that it will burn
you both
So, once upon
a long-since forgotten
time
and place
I made this agreement
willingly
eyes wide open
I will pay that price, I said
To feel it all
To know it all
To give it all
and
lose it all
I accepted the blazing light
with intent to distribute
But in my eagerness
I ignored the caveat:
I would know
the truth
of what I was
of what I did
and why
only when
I was ready
Until then
I would be on my own
I willingly accepted
and willingly
forgot
Part Four: On Earth
I’ve never understood the rules
Just that we all are supposed to follow them –
instilled from birth
reiterated in childhood
enforced in adulthood
the echoes of a myriad opinions
bouncing around in heart and mind:
Don’t seem eager - but don’t appear too nonchalant
Say these things - never what you’re really thinking
Wear this - not what you are most comfortable in
Go here, not there
Don’t express too much, reveal too much, be too much
Speed dating is okay
Speed loving is not
Go slow, spend time, spend money
spend it all
and maybe
eventually
it will be worth it
to not be alone
I’ve never played by the rules
for lack of interest
masquerading as lack of comprehension
Because of this
my heart has been broken
again and again
Yet here I am
still
My baseline is love
without caution, without fear, without judgment
Everyone who interacts with me
feels it
on some level
Some perceive it as discomfort,
and they will not meet my gaze
Some receive it as kindness,
and they walk away with hope and peace
Others simply feel safe,
and they share their innermost selves
to initiate their own healing
And every once in a while
magic happens
Attraction
undeniable, instinctual,
feral
And I know
the poor souls
for whom I fall
hard and
fast
the ones upon whom
I focus my laser-beam light
will receive love
and pain
in equal measure
I cannot turn away
because
I need them,
too
Part Five: The Script
So, I appear
I meet you,
and feel an instant connection
presenting as a conversation, a spark, a gaze, a touch
I meet you
and my intuition says
I know you - I've always known you
and I remember
I love you
Then
- until proven otherwise –
you are
the
one
Put in my path
in my orbit
for me, for you, for us
for love
for ever
So mote it be
I appear
I say
I have had these experiences
and here is what they taught me
I have learned to love myself,
have you?
I see you, and I love what I see
I want a partner
and you check a lot of the boxes
So let us be
in love
I will assume this is going to work:
treat it as serious
and sacred
and meaningful
until time provides the answer:
we will mesh
and intertwine
and grow together,
or
we will quickly learn
we are not meant
for each other
The latter
is all I've ever known
Still
any time, effort, or love we spend
will not be wasted
Hearts may be broken,
but
we will learn
what we need to learn,
and proceed from there
After grief
I know I will open my heart
again
That sounds insane, they say
appalled
but well-meaning
How can you call it love,
especially if it ends in sorrow
and heartbreak?
I would argue
that in order for it
to end in heartbreak,
love must be
present.
Part Six: How It Plays Out
So here I am
With all my love in hand
and heart
and soul
All for you, starting
now
I don’t want to know what you do for work
I want to know how you feel
How you love
your family
your friends
your self
How do you love
the world
I want to know what soothes you
when you are broken
hurting
scared
Your money, your clothing, your car, your home
mean nothing to me
I want to know what brings you peace
I want to know where you feel safe
I want to know who you trust
I don’t want to see you on your best behavior
I don’t have time for niceties
because kindness and respect
should be your default
not something you bring out
only for the first few weeks
I don’t want a character, a mask, a façade
I want
your
truth
(Here's the thing, though:
I already feel who you are
I already see it
I already know it
I’m just here to see if you do)
My love -
deep, sincere, instant
is a litmus test
for your soul
If you don’t know who you are
or what you want
or how you love -
prepare
to find out
My very presence
will ignite the questions
you’ve maybe never asked yourself
Why not?
Why not just go there?
Let your nervous system settle
into mine
Enjoy
Sink in
Love and be loved
Let's explore ourselves through
each other
We both know
It would be
amazing
So much laughter
so much lovemaking
so much vulnerability
Like nothing
you’ve ever known
The hard part is
you have to be your highest self with me
Your truest self
Your most authentic self
I will accept nothing less
You will quickly realize
that even though I seem to be
“a lot”
it is actually all the layers
you yourself have grown
All the walls
the shields
the details you have constructed
to protect yourself from
this
very
moment
But this moment -
this long-dreaded moment -
is not the fire and brimstone
that church taught you to fear
It is not the mockery and belittling
that your childhood taught you to fear
It is not the endless demands and confusion
that your previous relationships taught you to fear
It is simply love
pure
unconditional
in its deepest
most radiant form
What you do with it
shows me who you are
Here I am
Part Seven: The Reckoning
In my darkest hour,
my deepest heartbreak,
when I lay shattered
and empty
incapable of belief, faith, hope
or even love
I cried out
from the shadows
I invoked
the truth
shaking in terror
and unafraid
It came to me
finally
You are ready, I was told
here it is
You
are
a
disruptor
It's why you
are
here
A howl of anguish left my throat
I bowed my head
my body crumpling to the dirt
I wept
prayed
and begged
Is it always to be this way -
myself, alone?
Is there to be
no one?
Ever?
Will I always sow this discord
Will I always cause this disruption
Must I always be
the spotlight
that makes the eyes
wince in pain
the firework
that ignites the forest
the gentle rain
that builds to a raging flood
the whisper
that becomes a blaring alarm
the touch
that rips a beating heart
from the chest
of the one I love?
The cold black sky
the distant stars
the dark forest
they all
surrounded me
in silence
Just
watching
waiting
My tears turned
the earth to mud
It caked on my fingers and feet
Still, I rose
clawing the ground
my hair matted
my eyes red
face streaked
with tears
and blood
I stood
naked
bleeding
hands clenched into fists
unashamed
undefeated
I know I accepted this, I say
to the silence
And despite it
and
because of it
I will never stop
hoping
I will never stop
trying
I will never stop
loving
Part Eight: Eris Remembers
I am a disruptor
I will open you
by being open
I will make you feel safe
by giving you my trust
I will make you feel seen
with my own self-awareness
I will make you feel vulnerable
with my own vulnerability
All this I will do
with no effort
It is simply
what I do
I am a disruptor
I already know
the feelings I will inspire in you
I already know
the right way to love you
You will teach me the particulars,
your love languages
your dialects
then you will find
I speak them all
fluently
I am a disruptor
I will lean in – all the way in
You will fall in love
and so will I
so quickly
like
lightning
I want it this way
Because this is how I do it
Like covert ops
I will extract you
and present you
to yourself
Quickly
but not always cleanly
Because
I know the truth
and I want you to see
what I see
Understand,
I will want you to be
the one
I will want you to
open your arms to me
laughing
unafraid
saying
Here I am
and here you are
Let’s be in love
I am a disruptor, though
I have learned
that I am unlikely
to be met
in that way
Instead, when it becomes clear
that I have
frightened you
shown you things
you weren’t ready –
and maybe never wanted –
to see
When it becomes clear
that the light I shined
upon your soul
was far too bright
and you have to turn away
and cover your eyes
When it becomes clear
that the vulnerability
of being opened
seen
is too much
When it becomes clear
that it will take you
every ounce of strength
to clean up the mess
you think I made...
you will no longer want
to love me
or anyone
except (hopefully)
yourself
When it becomes clear
that it is over and done
My heart will shatter
I will shut off the light
and enter the dark night of the soul
In the attempt to re-ignite my joy
I will burn myself to ash
I will grieve
for the pain I caused you
for the destruction
I brought us
for the
familiar loss
of hope
I am a disruptor
I knew it would end
the moment we met
I will never know
how my love affected you
It’s not for me to interpret
your lessons
It is only for me
to learn mine
Part Nine: And So It Goes
I ended things, I say.
Again? They say. Why don’t you ever learn from your mistakes?
Because, I say
I don’t think
loving someone
is ever
a mistake
So sorry, they say. Maybe next time
you will go more slowly.
I laugh through my tears
I know no other way, I say
My love
is the speed of light
and I
will always
live
at the speed
of love