My Childhood Pal Turned Sex Offender

But what kind, you may ask? How offensive is he, sexually? Only one way to find out, extra, extra, read all about it!!

There’s the idea that you never know who is walking among you. You pass by crowds every day and they could be filled with grapists, furries, people who don’t return the shopping cart to the corral, just a bunch of sick twisted fucks of all variety. Your own friends or family could have a dark secret that upon emerging, shocks everyone in their orbit.

Let’s call my childhood friend Shane, since he always had a Shane Gillis build growing up. Not grotesquely fat, but fridge-like. The dudes got some tits, or as we politely referred to them, cones. Italian family, jet black hair, and known for being a compulsive liar. This guy would lie about the most bizarre and lame shit, but we still loved him. Sure Shane, you got 75 laps on the PACER test last year, your uncle invented Legos, and you porked the substitute teacher on her lunch break. We’re all totallyyyy retarded and totallyyyy believe you.

Shane hit puberty a bit before any of us. I remember being at the public pool with this guy when we were ten and he requested that I go underwater so he could show me something… I pop the goggles on and submerge, and see this dude lifting his right arm up, and starts pointing at his hairy pits with his other hand and grinning.

This is not normal behavior, I thought to myself. I won’t say I immediately clocked him as a future sex offender, but it made me realize this guy has a very different brain than me. I sure as hell wasn’t planning on coaxing anyone to some secretive location to give them a flash of my pubes anytime soon, so I didn’t understand the motivation behind this display .

The following years brought an onslaught of odd behavior and public displays of horniness to Shane that potentially altered the trajectory of his life. A concerning level of horniness. A suspicious level of horniness.

After a sleepover one summer we decided to spam this chump’s iPod touch with hundreds of photos while he was taking a shit, and when we went through the gallery after to see our damage we found a stinky surprise; TONS of orgy porn.

Orgy porn is still a bit crass for my taste even in my twenties, but back then when I was in my “every two-ish months look up a video of a white or Latina woman1 twerking and dry hump my beanbag chair” phase I found these images to be quite vile. Why the fuck does Shane want to look at a dick? Scratch that, why does he want to look at so many dicks? You can barely see the chick underneath all dat dick! It was all just so confusing.

Shane continued to have strange minor scandals in later years; countless phone destroying porn viruses that we had to help him remove, nutting in a putrid forty year old grocery store coworker for a bottle of Fireball, revealing nudes of his girlfriend that no one asked to see, or even wanted to see. He was even quite intrigued by the town tranny, do with that information what you will.

It’s funny compiling all of these anecdotes when I talk to our mutual friends and kind of facepalming looking back at it all. This freak left a trail of clues for years.

But at the time it all was easily written off as hahaha you’re such a retarded gooner Shane. Harmless, goofy behavior, we assumed…

Years later, we’re all out of college. Shane and I live across the country, doing different things, hanging with different people, not really interacting. I pretty much only see this guy when I fly home a couple times a year. I heard through Shane’s previous roommate that he’s been going to swingers events and group sex parties pretty frequently. I can only imagine the kinds of abominable creatures attending those gatherings, but we live in a free country I guess.

Anyways I’m scrolling through Instagram stories mindlessly when I see one from some miscellaneous NPC high school classmate - a screenshot of an article with text overlaying “I always knew there was something fucked up about that guy. They got his ass😂.” I read the first paragraph of the article. Shane has been arrested for downloading and distributing images of… Cheese Pizza. Except I ain’t talking Papa John’s. I wish I was talking Dominoes. Hundreds of pics apparently, with a repulsively low age range. Talk about a Bruh Moment.

High school group chat is immediately blowing up, Shane is swiftly booted from it and the boys are buzzing with information and theories. Everyone is mainly talking about how shocking it is and how he’s one sick puppy. One guy with a kid is especially enraged since Shane offered to babysit for him a few weeks ago. There was a collective breath of relief once he clarified that he ended up soliciting the services of an abuelita instead.