lights out

Night comes,

And I’m there again.

I walk through these empty rooms

They seem vaguely familiar

But I know I've never been

except in these dreams.

I keep searching but I don’t know what for.

I’m starting to feel scared

Shivers run down my spine

"It's all in my head" I say once again

now a daily mantra I chant to stay sane

I fear if I close my eyes I would melt away

And no one would remember me

or even my existence.

I have nothing to hold on to,

Except my pretense of being strong

I've never been strong

but believing has made me feel differently.

I've created this character to get rid of the real me

This one, so fragile and weak

Cause as I lay in bed

I'm back to being the quiet girl with these loud thoughts

One that had to wake her brother every night

just so she wouldn’t be awake alone in the dark.

I was the child that never went to bed first,

no matter how I tried.

Long after lights out,

all that was left,

was my restless and anxious heart.

I can still hear blood, pounding loudly in my ears

followed by the static

And each time,

I wondered when morning will come.

would I make it through the night without my heart bursting through?

I survived that night and every other night after that

So maybe it's all in my head

And I'm still that scared child

who faced her fears during the day

but cried and shivered in fear all through the night

only to repeat the cycle again,

only now with a more nerve wracked soul.