We Keep Lying To Mothers About This One Thing

Welcome! I’m Ash BG, a toddler mum, writer, and founder of You Wanted This, a publication about modern motherhood, the mental load, and what relationships really look like after kids. I’m also the founder of Tether: The Mental Load App that helps make the invisible labour in your household visible. If you’re new here, I’m so glad you could join us. Pull up a chair. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine here.

I remember one morning, when I was around 4 months postpartum and sleep was an enigma, I texted an old colleague and said “How on earth could you possibly do this and also work?”

At that time, my baby was all-consuming (as babies are) and we were dealing with a delightful combo of reflux and the four-month sleep regression. He cried most of the time he was awake, and he only slept for 45 minutes at a time. As you can imagine, I was struggling to breathe in a thick fog of new motherhood as a first-time mum.

The idea of going back to work was daunting, but the fact that I was due back in two months weighed on me like a heavy, restrictive overcoat I didn’t want to wear but felt forced to carry around.

I didn’t write at all during this time. I had been a writer for over 15 years, but I did not put pen to paper once in the first six months of my child’s life. Not a single poem. Not a brain dump in my notes app while breastfeeding. Not an incoherent string of thoughts just to get it out of my head, let alone a paid commission. Because there really were no thoughts apart from: has he had enough milk and will we ever sleep again? It felt like my brain had died. It didn’t work the way that it used to.

Would I ever be able to write again? Would I ever care about work again? And what would happen to my career? The truth was, at that point, I didn’t even care.

I truly believe that going back to work before you’re ready after having a baby is one of the most challenging parts of motherhood. Adapting to motherhood is one thing, but adapting to being a working mum before you’re ready is an entirely different challenge.

I had to do exactly this. As a dual-income family with a mortgage in Sydney, we had no choice but for me to return to work earlier than I expected. I had hoped to have 10 months off with my baby, but this reduced to barely seven by the time I started working again.

I remember the pain of taking him to daycare during that first month. The fear of missing out on milestones. The constant worry. The feeling of leaving my heart behind with every single drop-off.

But then something shifted. I could feel my jaw start to relax. My shoulders dropped. My smile came back. All of a sudden it hit me. I could pee in peace. I could enjoy my coffee while it was hot. I could sit in silence without anyone screaming at me.

And then there was the presentation I was asked to join very last minute without a chance to prepare. I was rattled. Was my brain ready for this challenge? Would I find the words? What if I choked?

I came out of that presentation with my imposter syndrome retreating into a corner. I was BACK BABY.

Realising that my brain did, in fact, work and reminding myself that I was good at my job felt fucking great.

While every day of motherhood I questioned why I wasn’t good at this, being back at work felt like jumping on an old, familiar bike, and riding along with the wind through my hair and a massive smile on my face.

I instantly had a new sense of joy and purpose through my work, with one added difference: I didn’t carry the stress of work like I used to. It didn’t bleed into my evenings or my weekends or my days off. Because I had a greater purpose now. Something that was more important than client expectations or pitch decks. I had my son, who needed me wholly and completely when we were together. Work didn’t matter when I was with him.

I felt like, for the first time in my life, I could enjoy my work without letting it totally consume me.

I posted something on my Instagram recently about the motherhood penalty. I shared the stats that mothers earn 30-40% less than childless women, but fathers earn 23% more than childless men. And the comments were, as always… interesting.

Many said the same thing, as if it was so obvious and completely surprising that I was questioning the natural order of things. They said something along the lines of: Of course women earn less, because they care less about work after having a baby. And of course men earn more, they have a new sense of purpose to provide for their family.

It made me think about the myth of women losing their ambition after becoming a mother and how this couldn’t be any further from the truth.

Now, two years into this motherhood gig, I am more ambitious than I have ever been. I’m hungrier for success than I have ever been. But it’s a different kind of success. It’s the drive to do something that matters, to build something I’m passionate about and proud of. If I’m going to spend time away from my child I want it to mean something. I want him to be proud of me one day. I want to show him what it’s like to have a mum that cares about her work and who refuses to let the world shrink her into a single label she doesn’t want to embody.

And I know I’m not alone. I hear it when I speak with my mum friends. I also see it in Facebook groups with mums always asking for tips on side hustles or part-time jobs that they can do to make more money to provide for their kids.

If my anecdotal evidence won’t cut it, let’s look at the data.

Research shows that 82% of surveyed parents believe their ambition increased after having chidren.

72% of parents said they started making bolder career moves after having kids.

64% of employees said parenthood accelerated their careers.

Nearly half of all new businesses are started by women. Wouldn’t it make sense to assume that many of these are mothers? Mothers who have been pushed out of the workforce but need to work so they have been forced to start their own business?

Some of the most famous mothers in the world are business owners. Think Hailey Beiber, Rihanna, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Alba and Miranda Kerr. Then there’s Sara Blakely, Lorna Jane Clarkson and Kayla Itsines. Not to mention the image of Whitney Wolfe Herd ringing the Nasdeq bell while holding her baby.

Because while 98% of mothers want to go back to work, only 13% think it’s viable full-time.

That 85% gap is key. It shows that the want is there, but the system is not.

So no, the drive doesn’t disappear. In fact, some could say it increases. For both men AND women.

So what needs to change?

Did you know that the participation of women in the labour force peaked, at 77.5%, in 2023? It was the highest it’s ever been since 1948.

Look at those dates again. Now can you guess why?

It’s because all of a sudden, post COVID, flexible work became the norm and mothers were able to actually act on the ambition that already existed within them.

So I believe that three things need to happen:

We need actual, real flexibility at work for parents. Not the kind that is technically available but comes with sideways looks. The type that is normalised. We need to follow in the footsteps of brands like Australian retailer DISSH who have paved the way for true flexibility that shows it actually values mothers and doesn’t see them as a risk.

We need men to step up and not only push for, but actually TAKE parental leave. We know that when men take parental leave, the result is lower divorce rates, increased wellbeing for both men and women, and better outcomes for kids. We know that the more men that take it, the more other men will actually take it. And we know it will have a flow on effect that impacts everything, from maternal wellbeing to the motherhood penalty.

And, of course, we need accessible and affordable quality daycare. This should not be a radical ask, it should be the bare minimum that parents can expect. Women should not be forced to choose between work and their child’s safety.

So let’s leave it at this.

Let’s stop pretending that ambition is what is holding women back from working.

Ambition isn’t stopping them. Infrastructure is.

Build the infrastructure and watch women dominate their workplace.

Ambition was never the problem.

A final note on choice

The idea of this article is not to tell all women that they should be more ambitious after having children. It is simply to let them know that they can be. The wonderful thing about feminism is that it gives each of us a choice. If your choice is to live out your Tradwife dreams and make sourdough, that is incredible. If you want to get straight back to work as soon as you’re able, that’s okay too. There is no right answer, there is only the one that feels good for us.

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References:

The Female Quotient and Ipsos: “Doing It All? No. Doing What Matters? Definitely.” (2026)
thefemalequotient.com

Gusto: “Women Are Behind Nearly 1 in 2 New Businesses” New Business Formation Report 2025
gusto.com/resources/gusto-insights/womens-entrepreneurship-2025

Rutigliano, V. (2024): “Minding Your Business or Minding Your Child? Motherhood and the Entrepreneurship Gap” Vancouver School of Economics, Social Science Research Network
ssrn.com search Rutigliano motherhood entrepreneurship gap

Wells Fargo: 2025 Impact of Women-Owned Businesses Report
wellsfargo.com

Motherly: State of Motherhood Survey 2024
mother.ly/state-of-motherhood