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I realized the problem with blogging is that when my life is so boring, I want to blog, because I think blogging can pull me out of it, can make meaning out of my day even though it appears meaningless. So I blog. But as soon as life gets a little bit busy, or a little bit fun, blogging is the first thing that I forget. why??? There has been a pattern. I always start with some really ambitious…
this is how it is with loneliness, I have realized recently. It's either constipation or diarrhea, either I am so, so lonely, almost disappearing out of this world, or either I am occupied by all the crap that I really don't care about, so called connections. Of course, there are good connections. The good ones can easily make my day. But the thing is you don't get to choose. I wouldn't call this…
I am in a strangely good mood today. My parents called and we had a good chat. I felt fuller. I felt more energized, which I did not expect. Originally I wrote something about dad's arguments with mom. Then I thought, why the hell am I thinking about those. Those unhappy thoughts. What about the happy ones? Let those, unhappy ones, be lost.
I had just finished My Struggle book two yesterday. The second volume had been the most resonating, and striking, to me so far. Something divine had definitely emerged from the mundane, through life's slow accumualtion. It's really, a miracle. I felt, twice during this volume, some kind of euphoria. The floating, the full immersion into the world that the novel depicts, Knausgaard's world.…
Let's forget about the success part. That we can talk about later. The failure. It's a fluctuating feeling. Sometimes I love my life, despite how boring it is on the outset. Sometimes ... I hate it, exactly because how boring it is. The so-called, "descipline", "self-control", "ambition" are nothing more than euphenisms. It's life or no life. It's having space to be empty. Then life comes in. It…
Arrived at the subway station to miss the train by a few seconds. So here I stand, observing the multitude of people waiting with me: A guy is pacing back and forth in front me. White t shirt, black backpack, blue jeans, vans shoes. AirPods in. A golden sunglasses hang at the neck line of his shirt. Leaves his phone at the back pocket of his jean (this is rare among men, I have noticed somehow).…
I survived. The day before yesterday a paper was due for camera ready. Team rushed a bit to get the paper polished. To be fair, I wasn't really that involved in the process because my role in this project (my first project) had been peripheral. But seeing team pullin almost all nighter in the chat channel I thought I should at least stay a bit late in case that they have some random quest for me,…
I am almost done with My Strggle Book Two. And I am just beginning to understand what his struggle is. It's not something tangible, like I want to have this or not have that, blablabla, for that would be too easy. Instead, the struggle is what always evades one. He can only feel the symptom without knowing the cause. The struggle leaves one no fighting chance because he cannot even know what it is…
In the last few weeks I began to check the Random section of the Bearblog discovery feed. Surprisingly, the density of quality post is higher than I thought. Among, let's say, 10 post, I can usuall find two or three good ones. And the rest aren't that bad either (if the blog post itself is dull, I usually go to the "about" section of that blog, getting to know that stranger is always exciting to…
Watched Suzhou River today. I am been wanting to watch it for a while but put it off many times. Somehow we watched the shortened version (1.5h). And we later found out that the full version is nearly two and half hours. It’s the most refreshing movie I have watched in a while… I was suddenly struck by how well the movie confused the so-called “the jailer and the jailed”, where, beyond the…