You ruined Frank Ocean for me.

(Listen to Evergreen by Omar Apollo and White Ferrari by Frank Ocean))

Levi. Oh sweet, wonderful Levi. The man I love with my whole heart.

I dream about those brown eyes and that heart stopping smile of yours all the time, they're lucid dreams and I feel your stare on my face and your smile mirroring mine right before you rip my heart out my chest. Everytime I have that dream, I wake up and I can still smell you all over me. Musky. Strong. Sandalwood. Mine.

I stare at your ring on my dresser and remember the first time you put it on my finger, my heart skipped a beat but it doesn't even beat steady anymore. Broken.

I tell my friends I'm over it, that I've cried and moved on, that it doesn't matter because I always knew you'd hurt me. I did know.

But never in a million years would I have thought that you'd hurt me because I wasn't enough for you. I gave you my everything, I SURRENDERED to you my soul, I let go of everything I knew just so you could love me. I had never done that for anyone the way I did for you, I looked at you like you put the stars in the sky and now those stars sit in my throat choking me to death.

Was there something wrong with my body? Was I not pretty enough? Did I not make you laugh? Am I not what you wanted, baby? You ruined me Levi, You destroyed me. You tore me to pieces and you blew my scattered bits into the winds now I'm a fragment, a vessel, a hollow and all that echoes through me is the sound of your betrayal.

You held on to me because you were greedy. It meant nothing to you, everything that we went through meant absolutely nothing to you but you acted so so well because I believed you saw me the way I saw you. You were magical to me, you were mystical, you were unreal, you were a dream, but I needed to wake up.

You know you really made me hate myself, I should have broke it off to date myself, I should have stopped before I broke myself, but I stayed.

Love Ocean.

You really didn't deserve me and that's what hurts the most, My grandma, Kamu’s death should have been the worst thing I've ever felt but you stole that from me too, you stole the show. I was grieving the woman who had always promised me everything and you were angry at me so I cried for you and not her, your anger was so much more important than my grief and so I paused my grief to prove my love for you while you proved to me that it didn't even mean anything to you, that I didn't matter to you because you had options, so many options that you didn't need to choose me and you never did but me? I chose you over everything. I chose you over the man that would have given me everything if I as much as whispered it.

He begged for the love I was forcing you to take, I hurt him to please you but you were pleasing others. He picked me over and over, in every scenario, he chose me, without a doubt, without a thought, everytime and yet I chose you.

You CONTROLLED me. I was so in love with you, I closed my eyes and took it, took every backhand comment, took the emotional abuse because it didn't matter as long as you loved me, you knew how to get me to stay and stay I did.

I gave you my life and you took it just for the thrill, my fragile, open heart in your hands and you spared me no mercy before crushing it. I saw it through, again and again.

Love Ocean.

I couldn't leave, I should have left. You lied to me, you promised me you loved me like the ocean. Was I a fool to believe you? You said you needed me, with love in your eyes and our heartbeats connecting. I know it didn't matter to you, God I wish it mattered to you because it meant the world to me.

Weeks ago, I broke down on the streets and Fatmah held me, I lied and said I was crying for him but really I was crying for you, for what we were, the fantasy you were, the lie you were, the whole other life you lived without me, I cried for the moments where I walked home feeling lucky I found you, the moments you kissed my forehead and called me so beautiful, the adrenaline that rushed through me when you touched me with those sinful, beautiful hands of yours, that was nothing to you? NOTHING? Please lie to me and say no. Please. Please. Please say it made you feel entergalactic too. Please. Please. Please.

You made me hate myself. I wanted to change myself for You. I'd do anything for you baby. Anything.

Our first conversation, I asked what you were doing and you said listening to Frank Ocean, so I listened to Frank Ocean, for the whole day, every album, over and over. I wanted to be close to you, I wanted to know you, I wanted to see you and hear you deeply. I did. Every time you were angry at me or I missed you, I'd listen to Frank Ocean. It was my way of being close to you.

It's been months now and every time I listen to White Ferrari, all I see is you. Lip syncing those exact words to me, love and awe in your beautiful brown eyes.

When he says in Godspeed “I'll always love you” I shiver at how true it is. When he says in Nights “All my nights, been waiting for you all my nights” it's nights like this, cold, alone, where my heart aches a little harder for you. When he says “Do you think about me still? or do you not think so far ahead” I really want to know too. When he says in White Ferrari “You left when I forgot to speak” he's talking about the days where you'd emotionally manipulate me into believing I was a problem and “I care for you still and I will forever, that was my part of the deal” you said that after we broke up, was this before or after you broke up with the second one?

You've ruined Frank Ocean for me and I'll never forgive you for that. I hope you drown in my love ocean because you never wanted to swim with me, you wanted to cut my fins and ruin me.

In another universe, you love me as much as I love you, and in that universe we dance and laugh all day to Blnde. In another universe, my love would be enough for you, in another universe, this love is not unrequited. It's true, raw and it's all mine.

Goodbye, Durotimi. It's true. I really did love you.

This was really hard to write and honestly, I might make another part because it's really that deep and there's so many song and movie references. I love you, send virtual hugs.