so the thing is…

I am naked.

Metaphorically of course, don’t worry, you’re cool.

I stopped writing in 2025. I don’t know why, or what happened to me. I just woke up one morning and the things I loved no longer felt real, I felt like a simulation, a zombie just moving through life with no coherent thought or feelings.

Let me tell what you’ve missed since I last wrote.

University is hell and heaven on earth. It was fresh and new in the beginning, euphoric even. I left my bedroom everyday with a prep in my step and a smile on my face, even when i was tired and the anxiety was visible on my scarred hands and my fidgety knees, I was happy. I smiled at everyone, was in awe with everything. Secondary school was terrible and depressing so Uni was going to be a dream…

I woke up from that dream one wednesday morning, my aunt’s children screaming in my ear their noise nothing compared to the one in my head.

I was burnt out. Tired. Exhausted.

Time was moving fast and I wasn’t moving with it. Just existing.

Fights at home. Classes. Friends. Acquaintances. Social Gatherings. People knowing me. Classes. Love interests. Conversations. The cycle was draining me and so I broke down in love garden and sobbed with a hand on my chest cause I was choking on the life I asked for and they held me. Vee and Jola, my friends. (We’ll talk about it later)

I cried for a while, for minutes and then hours, everyday for two weeks. I felt like Cassie from Euphoria. My routine was simple actually. Wake up, cry for five minutes, cover it up with stacks of jewelry and hot outfits and dark shades, go to classes, laugh, talk, flirt, cry on the way home, rinse and repeat.

Then exams started and I relapsed.

The pain of having to accept being an average student because you can’t process or study like everybody else was killing me. I’d stay up all night, read everything I needed to and then the paper would be in front of me and I’d come up blank, my thoughts dancing all around my head, at first I pushed through and wrote the things I heard in class and then I couldn’t anymore, I was losing it, I started to hate myself, I’d read, write my jumbled thoughts and throw my guts into the toilet sink when I got home. I’m not stupid, I could narrate everything I read but unmedicated adhd is ruthless and there’s no room for neurodivergence in this place so I suffered in silence and wore the average tag on my forehead and called it a day.

I went home for christmas and Nana put me back together as always and then the year ended.

JANUARY 2026

Happy New Year!

Except the only thing new was the lethargy I now had for life. Of course most people didn’t notice it, that’s what happens when you’re used to masking and acting like your life isn’t falling part. The people that noticed asked questions; “you’ve stopped posting vlogs” “you’re wearing bright colors and less jewelry” “you talk to us less” “You stopped dancing” “Why aren’t you sleeping” “Your vocabulary is bare”

Mtondo said the gleam in my eye that could power up a dollhouse was dim, I didn’t say a word but when I cried to sleep in his arms, I knew he was right.

February 2026

My birthday came. I had been waiting for this birthday since I turned sixteen and I was talking to my 500 subscribers about how beautiful it would be and oh how beautiful it was! I had friends around me, i had a cake with orente on it and there was a saxophone and drinks and games and a birthday song and laughter and and and so much love, I cried so much for 14 year old me that didn’t think she’d make it and 16 year old me that chose to hang on. They were proud of me.

March 2026

Hmm. *Skips segment.

April 2026

Exams and unfortunate interactions with the male species ( Long story I promise )

I have so much to tell you my lover, but I fear if I say it all at once then i’ll disappear again and I don’t want to be far from you again. So i’ll tell you more next time.

Thank you for listening to me. I love you.