How do I kill the lover in me?

I've never posted something that wasn't formally written or ‘perfect’ here but I just want to rant today.

I'm done. I'm tired and I really need a hug I can cry into. Send virtual hugs biko.

I had a friend. I used to cry on her shoulders, literally. She'd hug me tightly and I'd just cry, sob, weep, like an absolute baby and she'd ask me what happened, I wouldn't tell her immediately but she'd understand and she’d wait till I was ready and I always spoke. We stopped being friends because she used to talk about me and my mental disorder with other people and they'd tell me later how foolish and gullible I was. ( story for another day )

I've always been like that. Trusting. Friendly. Big smiles, even when my teeth chattered from the cold knife in my back.

Anyways I've strayed away from why I actually started writing this. Back to it.

I've never been alone romantically.

It's always been from one relationship to another talking stage, one talking stage to a ‘what are we?’

it's never ending. Was never ending. I have realized that I crave love so much that the smallest, faintest sign of a blossoming thing and I'd leave my common sense and run into it.

My best friend would say it's because I have so much love to give. “You're a lover Lele, ukuthi ungubani” ( it's who you are )

It's who I am? It's who I am??

Who am I? A foolish girl who never thinks before she leaps? A reckless person who rushes into things? An indecisive woman who doesn't know what she wants?

Simi said to me, a couple of days ago;

“You don't know what you want, everytime we turn you have a crush on someone, you’re dating someone, you're talking to someone. You need to be on your own. You're confused and immature”

It stung me. It bit into my skin and lit a fire. Burning. Furious. Hot Rage.

How dare he? He doesn't know me. I do know what I want, I just haven't found it.

He said;

“You 100% don't know what you want, you need to grow, always having someone isn't good for your mental”

I refused o. I yapped and explained over and over to him that I know what I want and it's not my fault nobody's been able to love me like I know I deserve, I explained so much that I started crying.

I wasn't explaining to Simi. I was convincing myself. I felt stupid, immature. Like a child, I felt so terribly dumb. Is this really what I am? Unable to be on my own? Desperate for love? Am I a part of desperado fc?

I sat in it for days. Everytime I thought about it I'd start crying again. I'd start thinking of the people I'd been with and why it didn't work out.

Am I the problem? Maybe my standards are unrealistic? Am I immature? Reckless? Something is wrong with me.

And at this exact moment while I'm writing this and the moments before, for the past three months. There's been a love interest.

I really like how this one makes me feel, like peace, safe and sound. Like home. Ikhaya Lami.

And I've only ever said this one other time. Is this me justifying my inability to be alone? Am I making the same immature mistake again?

Ughhhh I hate this. It's frustrating. I just want to love and be loved, Is it too much to ask for?

This is my conclusion:

Yes, Simi is right. It's terrible not being able to be solo. Yes, I used to rush into things because I didn't wait to be sure if they were what I wanted, what I needed. Yes, I need time to grow into my own person without always having someone else on my mind.

But…

Simi is wrong. I'm not immature. I'm not reckless. I am simply a woman who, for all her life has led with her heart first and not her head.

I've always loved love. Romantic love. Unreal love. Dramatic love. The love I've read in books since I was 8. Rapunzel love. Tiana and Naveen love. Raw love. Unfiltered and Unmatched.

Orenté Love.

I do know exactly what I want and I'll never settle till I find it. My standards are perfectly okay.

I'll give my all to this person and keep this magical, purely poetic experience for as long as the universe lets me and if at any point in time, I realize or slightly feel unwanted, unappreciated and unloved. I'll disappear.

I'll wear my big girl boots and learn to look before I leap. Learn patience. Learn to live for me. Learn to love solidarity. Learn to love the quiet moments.

Learn to love…Me.

R.