My deeply personal account of living with OCD
I took a little break from sharing to get used to my new normal. A week ago I had to have some blood work done and for the first time in my memory I engaged in the process. Usually I would be sick from nervousness for days before. I would avoid and postpone. I would get to the blood draw place and start to panic. When it came time for the blood draw I would disassociate stare at the corner of the…
I think this is one of those great debate questions, "which came first the chicken or the egg?" I am certain I have a predisposition to have OCD. OCD is the great family curse. I used to spend every summer with my grandmother and grandfather. I remember my grandmother getting very frustrated with my grandfather for, what I realize now, a compulsion and out of pure exasperation she said "every one…
I'm sure you've seen those books for The Complete Idiot's Guide to fill in the blank. I wonder if there is one for how to live an authentic life. I am 48 years old and I have no idea how to properly tell someone how I feel without either spiraling into a fit of anxiety or making the other person feel like crap. I have two modes: either I completely deny I have feelings or I go on and on about all…
I've tried to pinpoint the exact moment that OCD started to impact my life, but I can't. I know that this is an exercise in absolutes and black and white thinking that often accompanies OCD. I also know that it has caused issues in every single relationship in my life. I don't have much of a relationship with anyone. I don't return phone calls and I don't visit. Cat and I have talked about this, I…
I value reality. It wasn't until I started treatment with NOCD.com that I realized how much my OCD impacts the way I receive information and my belief systems. I am a Christian and I was raised going to church since childhood. In times of crisis, I pray to God; I attend services. I enjoy the liturgy of my specific sect of Christianity. On more than one occasion, I have expirenced a crisis of faith…
Who are you?” said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.” “What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar, sternly. “Explain yourself!” “I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir,”…
In the story Alice in Wonderland, the day the that the Red Queen takes over Underland is called "The Horovendoush Day". It is a day of total devastation and the moment in time that all of Underland is subjugated to the tyrannical reign of the Red Queen. Anyone familiar with the story knows of the cruelty of the Red Queen and her famous retort "off with their head!" My OCD and the Red Queen have a…
OCD is the master of keeping score; targeting doubt is like a heat seeking missile. OCD distorts reality and robs you of joy and happiness. Every insecurity is magnified infinitely. You walk around repeating every single ugly thing you have every been told, or ever felt in your mind, beating yourself down and eroding yourself worth. In the best scenario you keep it to yourself; in the worst you…
I had an entirely different post planned for today but, it's a long weekend, there haven't been support groups for days, and I need to get some things out of my head. Taylor Swift said, "it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero." Actually, the whole song Anti-Hero resonates like a theme song that should follow me around. It is very disorienting being 48 years old and learning that…
I've written that OCD isn't an adjective to describe someone that likes organization and I have written about my anxiety, but I haven't really explained what OCD is. OCD is a difference in how worry and stress are handled in the brain by the amygdala and other structures. What is the amygdala? Here is a quick video: The amygdala is known as the "emotional sentinel" because it sounds the alarms…
In the autism community it is widely recognized that autism is a spectrum disorder. This means that while there are similar consistent attributes that a person with autism may experience it doesn't mean that everyone with autism experiences all of the attributes together or even at the same severity. It's kinda like going to a buffet and you take your plate and pick a bit of this option and a bit…
I have wasted decades of my life playing a game with myself to hide from my OCD; always trying to fool myself into being ok. I am an expert at painting the roses red to control my anxiety. I have been living an inauthentic life, Cat told me in one of our sessions. And I was like, inauthentic life? What are you talking about? I am one of the most authentic people you will meet. But, uh-uh-uh... not…
Welcome to the Chronicles of a Girl Worried AF. This blog was started at the suggestion of my therapist; a very smart, funny, and magician of a woman who I met through NOCD.com, a web-based therapy community that provides therapy and resources for those afflicted with OCD. My therapist is like the Cheshire Cat, and I will reference her from time to time, so let's call her Cat... and you can call…