Vin Diesel's Home Planet Is Not Where I Imagined

He’ll need another mojito once the conversation turns to Vin Diesel

The scene: Old San Juan, Puerto Rico, a dazzlingly sunny afternoon. You’re on the first half of your honeymoon, which was planned to coincide with your husband’s friend’s destination wedding. You’re here a few days early, so you’ve got some free time and lots of local rum to explore.

If I haven’t mentioned this yet, I am a delicate flower. I don’t mean in terms of character — hell no, as far as will and fortitude go, I’m a goddamn force to be reckoned with.

I’m talking my ability to withstand heat and direct sunlight.

So when we find ourselves somewhere tropical and sunny, I don giant sunglasses, ridiculously wide-brimmed sun hats, and long-sleeved linen shirts to minimize my exposure to the elements. I’ve been told (in normal daily life) that I look like brunette Katherine Heigl, so when we’re on vacation, I might be mistaken for incognito brunette Katherine Heigl although I suspect she travels with way more baggage (ahem: luggage) than I do, and she probably owns more than two sun hats. Maybe she’s even got special suitcases for them.

Anyway, we’re wandering around Old San Juan in the million degree heat, dashing to the shady side of the street each time we turn a corner. After a while, our game of Frogger gets a little tiresome, so when we spy a gorgeous corner bar with open tables, ceiling fans, and a robust liquor selection, we step in for a cool beverage and a respite from the heat.

As happens when day-drinking, our conversation wanders.

When I snapped this pic, my husband had just explained to me the premise of The Chronicles of Riddick. And call me old fashioned, but as far as I’m concerned, any title that begins The Chronicles of… is required to end with Narnia. Not Riddick or whatever other lame-ass substitute lesser authors might try.

The Chronicles: There can be only one.

I explained this to my husband, who was sorry-not-sorry to inform me that in Riddick, Vin Diesel’s home planet is not accessible via an intricately carved wardrobe. And there’s also no witch, and definitely no lion. Lame.

The more earnestly he tried to describe the film, the more *ahem* riddickulous it all sounded. PUN INTENDED! #themoreyouknow #daydrinking #merica!

VERDICT:

• 10/10 for the fantastic mojitos and vibe; would drink again at this little corner bar whose name I forgot.

• 3/10 for the movie; according to Rotten Tomatoes: “As an action movie, Riddick offers some thrills, but as a sequel to Pitch Black, it’s a disappointment.”