Denver, Your Breakfast Burritos Suck

Eww. What is even happening here?

The scene: Denver. It’s 95 degrees out and you still don’t understand how a city at this altitude can be this hot. But you’ve got other fish to fry at the moment: you need breakfast.

When we’re looking for somewhere to eat in an unfamiliar city, we often turn to Yelp and Google reviews. Near me, open now, 4 stars and above, good for (in this case) breakfast. The wisdom of the crowd is typically reliable.

Not so, today! Google and Yelp led us to a cafe near our hotel in the Central Business District.

Well there’s the problem right there, you may be thinking. Trying to find a decent burrito in the CBD on a Sunday. SMH

You’re right. My bad.

Anyway, Google and Yelp led us to this cafe that had, in addition to coffee, several varieties of breakfast burrito. My husband chose sausage and I chose green chile.

The sausage breakfast burrito looked normal enough, but mine looked…not good. Like it had been microwaved instead of heated up on a grill or panini press. The tortilla itself was fused to the paper wrapper, so I was left with half-strength tortilla with the now-impossible job of corralling a scalding hot blob of cheese and eggs and potato and, like…one speck of green chile. This burrito seriously lacked structural integrity.

Eating this burrito was much more of a challenge than I wanted on a Sunday morning. The bites I did manage to squeeze into my mouth were gluey, and not in a good way.

Best breakfast burritos ever? Breakfast Little, a sweet little spot in the Mission district in San Francisco. What’s their secret? Crispy tater tots inside. You need a little crunch, a little bite, know what I’m saying? (Breakfast Little: 10/10, no notes. Burritos that haunt my dreams.)

As to this place in Denver with the gooey burrito, I’m not naming names ‘cause I’m not an asshole. Maybe some people like their breakfast the consistency of slightly chunky caulk. (You do you, weirdos!) For the rest of you, maybe just don’t order a green chile breakfast burrito at any cafe in Denver to be on the safe side.

VERDICT: 4/10 - At least the sausage burrito was decent. But Yelp and Google Reviews can go ahead and take a big gooey bite of my molten, misshapen green chile burrito, and choke on it. DEAD TO ME!