Clammy hands and sweaty foreheads is what I see around me. Together with a team of twenty bank employees, I stand in a circle. What happened? I just told them they are going to give each other feedback.
Although most organizations say that feedback is important, in practice, it rarely happens. Because let’s be honest: when was the last time you and your colleagues gave each other structured feedback? Probably a long time ago, or more likely, never.
Why do we give so little good feedback? Because we are afraid. Afraid to give feedback and even more afraid to receive it. We might be called out for things we didn’t do well. Or we might hurt someone else by pointing out something they did wrong. And the times we did receive ‘constructive feedback’, it was often so blunt and unfair that it did more harm than good.
I also find feedback difficult. When I notice someone behaving a way I don’t like, I often don’t say anything. ‘Maybe I’m overreacting, or maybe that person will change their behavior by themselves’, I think. Usually, they don’t. Then, the behavior starts to bother me so much that I have to say something. But by then, I’m already a few weeks too late.
Our fear of feedback creates a culture of avoidance — until confrontation becomes inevitable. Then, you unload all your comments at once, and the feedback hits like a bomb, causing a lot of damage. At least, that’s what I see happening in many teams and organizations.
But what if you could see feedback as a gift? Something you give to help someone else grow, or something you receive and decide afterward what to do with it. Feedback isn’t a bomb; it’s a tool, and it’s up to you — as both giver and receiver — to use it as effectively as possible.
Because how can you improve at your work, or as a person, without hearing from someone else how you can do so? That’s almost impossible!
That’s why I’ve created this extensive guide, so you can give and receive perfect feedback. Share it with your team or save it for later, so you can revisit it when you need to give someone feedback.
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How can you ensure your feedback is a gift? Here are a few tips for giving good feedback:
Ask before giving feedback if the recipient is open to it.
Don’t: “This is what I think about our meeting this morning.”
Do: “May I give you some feedback on the meeting this morning?”Give feedback about someone’s behavior, not their personality. The recipient can change their behavior, not their personality.
Don’t: “You’re careless in your work.”
Do: “You can improve your work by making these changes.”Be specific about what you’re giving feedback on, so the recipient clearly understands what you mean.
Don’t: “You never listen to me.”
Do: “When you’re on your phone during the meeting, I feel like you’re not listening to me.”Speak for yourself and avoid generalizations (which may include unconscious biases). The easiest way to do this is by speaking from the ‘I’ perspective.
Don’t: “What you wrote is unclear to everyone.”
Do: “I don’t understand what you wrote.”
Always be constructive when giving feedback. Show that you want to help the other person, not tear them down. Also, feedback doesn’t always have to be about something negative. You can also focus on something positive—that’s more enjoyable and equally leads to behavioral change.
Give feedback regularly. If you wait until the next annual performance review to give your feedback, it will no longer be relevant, and the other person will feel embarrassed that you never mentioned it before. If you do it more often, you’ll see that behavioral changes happen faster and that feedback feels much less confrontational and heavy.
Now that you know how to give feedback, what is the right way to receive it? Here are four tips:
Listen and keep quiet: What is the other person actually saying? Without doing this, you can’t learn from the feedback. It’s that simple.
Ask clarifying questions: If you don’t understand the feedback or want to know what specific behavior led to it.
Don’t take it personally: The feedback is about your work, not about you. But since we know that work is secretly more personal than we often think, this is easier said than done.
Thank the giver: The person giving you feedback may find that very difficult to give. Show that you are grateful. This way, you are more likely to receive valuable feedback again in the future.
Of course, you don’t have to blindly accept everything someone else says. Ultimately, feedback is given so you can learn from it. Doing this well is a learning process too, which you can see as a five-step ladder:
Deny: “I don’t do that at all.”
Defend: “That didn’t happen like that, it was more like this…”
Explain: “I understand what you mean, I did that because…”
Accept: “I will change it…”
Choose: You consciously decide what to do with the feedback—because it’s a gift.
There are many ways to give and receive feedback. It is essential that your method fits your team and its individuals. This often depends on how long you have been working together. If you have only recently started working together and there is little mutual trust, give constructive feedback that is not confrontational. For example, you can share your first impression of the other person. If you have been working together a little longer, you can add what you would like to see more of from them. If you have been working together for a while, you can ask each other what to stop, continue, and start doing—also known as the Stop, Start, Continue method. If you have been working together for a long time and there is a high level of trust, you can use the classic feedback method: the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) model by Marshall B. Rosenberg:
Observe behavior: “When you do this…”
Express how it makes you feel: “…I feel…”
Define your need: “I need…”
Request what you would like from the recipient: “…so next time, could you do this…?”
Just like how you give feedback, the setting in which you do it should match the team and individuals. You can give feedback in a one-on-one conversation, for example, during a walk. In a group setting, you can sit in a circle and have each person receive feedback one by one from the rest of the group.
A more informal option is the feedback mingle. Participants write their feedback for each team member on a separate post-it note. Then, everyone moves randomly around the room. When you ’happen’ to run into someone, you share your feedback with them verbally. After that, you hand over the Post-it note for that specific team member and continue to the next encounter.
Want to start give and receive feedback in a simple and fun way? Try this: At the end of a meeting, let everyone do a check-out. After someone checks out, have everyone (or just one person in a larger team) share what they appreciate most about that person. In a very short time, you’ll get beautiful compliments, more connection between team members, and an energetic atmosphere. Have fun!
See you soon,
Marc
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