a little too sensitive to certain things

lately i’ve been sleeping a lot, but keep waking up in between for no obvious reason.

over the past couple of weeks, i’ve received a few death notices.

“… meninggal pagi tadi lepas subuh.” - the text i received a few days ago. it said that my acquaintance had just passed away in the morning. i called the family and sent my condolences. i wasn’t able to be there for some reason.

there’s this strange feeling sitting in my chest, accompanying me throughout the whole day. i cried, and can’t quite explain what this is. i’ve faced the grief of losing my mother and some important people in my life, but this time, it’s not the same. i don’t know what to name this feeling yet.

i’ve always been like this with certain things. all it takes is a horror movie to ruin my sleep, or one small moment where i realise i’ve hurt someone without meaning to. each thing carries its own feeling… fear, grief, shock, regret, longing. our hearts are a little too sensitive to certain things, aren’t they…

i still remember watching a horror movie with my sister. we watched the exact same movie, sat in the same room, and saw the same scenes. she went to sleep just fine. i went to bed and had a nightmare.

how strange the human mind is.

the same thing can happen to two people and carry completely different weight in their hearts. what scares one person may not bother another. what one person forgets the next morning may stay with someone else for days.

anyway, i’m learning that not every uncomfortable feeling needs to disappear.

i can have a strange dream, wake up groggy and unsettled, carry that feeling for a little while, and then get up and live anyway…

we don’t always have to understand every feeling the moment it arrives. we don’t have to fix every feeling, explain it, or fight it into silence. some feelings just need space to pass.

“you are not your thoughts.” — The Untethered Soul

a frightening thought is not a prophecy. our brain can simply be processing what happened. our heart can be carrying something the mind hasn’t fully understood yet.

this is also why i think we should be careful about what we allow into our hearts, to be mindful of what we let in. what we repeatedly expose ourselves to can leave an athar (أثر)… a trace, an imprint that remains long after the moment has passed. a movie ends. a conversation you had with someone ends. a post disappears from the screen. but the feeling can stay.

so protecting your peace can also mean knowing what not to watch, what not to read, what not to entertain, and what not to keep feeding your mind. knowing yourself is also a form of taking care of yourself.

and i’m saying all of this while still struggling with sleep. hahahaha.

but waking up today, compared to a few years ago, feels different. the struggle may still be there… the restless nights and the strange dreams. a few years ago, i might have been afraid of what these feelings meant. i might have questioned myself, searched for answers, or wondered why my mind could not simply be quiet.

now, i’m learning to sit with them. to notice them without immediately becoming them. to feel something without assuming it has to control me. being emotionally sensitive is not something i need to completely get rid of. i just need to learn how to carry it better.

healing is not necessarily waking up one day and finding that you no longer feel deeply. it can be waking up with the same sensitive heart, but knowing what to do with it; to know when to protect my heart, when to let something go, when to seek forgiveness, and when to simply wake up, take a breath, and continue living.

i may still wake up from strange dreams. i may still carry a little heaviness into the morning. but i’m learning not to be afraid of everything i feel.

i hope you too.