The Mornings I Didn’t Know I’d Miss

My favorite time of day has always been the morning. I think it’s because it feels like anything is possible. I still have control over the outcome, the promise of a list that gets checked off. And the peaceful quietness.

I have always been the first one up in my house, and I cherish a quiet morning, sitting outside, drinking coffee, relaxed, steeped in nature.

Recently, I sat on my back deck in my morning meditative state, and I unexpectedly had a photographic memory from three decades ago.

I could see myself on my back porch in early morning; my kids were toddlers, and I heard the first stirring of them waking up. Sometimes it was a cry, sometimes just a little voice calling Mommy.

Watching them awaken after a good night’s sleep, those moments of sleepy-eyed stretching, yawning, awakening were part of my morning bliss.

It was my tiny gift every morning. They were still there, safe and happy, ready for a new challenge in the day. Whatever the day might bring! Playing in the sandbox, doing art, going on walks, favorite videos and shows, reading, puzzles, toys, learning, and growing. Oh, the possibilities! I felt so lucky I had this time with them.

Even if it was only minutes of my morning, the memory and that feeling is still with me. The reality is that I only got those moments so fleetingly. Perhaps that’s why they’re so precious.

And then - BAM. My brain recalls the reality.

There was the daily chaos that always followed. The reality of a dual-working household with three kids under five. Our daily weekday routine meant getting three children up, dressed, fed, and packed up for the day - while we were also getting ready for work - and running out the door, commuting to an office every day.

I also remember so many people saying to me: I don’t know how you do it! I was running a large Operations & Tech group for a “startup” company with staff in three US locations plus an international team. I worked long hours and traveled.

Many people truly wanted to know - they would ask me seriously, How do you do it?

And the reality was, I didn’t know. I used to say that I had work amnesia when I was at home, and home amnesia at work. Divide and conquer. But of course that doesn’t really work.

A lot of women were shouldering the burden of juggling it all. I think of my friends who are single moms and working. And I still wonder: how did we do it?

Many women, and mothers in particular, don’t think they have the right to ask for help, or expect it. They don’t think they’re special in any way. But having the responsibility of raising human beings to be a positive force in our communities and society is an enormously important job. For all parents.

Fathers also have this responsibility but in my time, at least, the burden of the day was on the mothers. Our generation was marked by women who tried to have it all.

We tried to have careers that were not impacted by motherhood while also raising healthy, happy kids. It was unattainable.

We couldn’t have it all if we only depended upon ourselves; we needed to learn how to ask for help and know that we deserved the help.

I think the next generation has partially figured this out. Having it all isn’t what it’s cracked up to be - and we haven’t broken the code yet. If we are going to have men and women in the workplace who also want to be parents, then the family unit needs some support. It does take a village - and always has.

Some people are lucky enough to have parents who can help out. We were extremely lucky to have an amazing neighbor who watched her own grandchildren and also took on ours in a loving, safe environment. But relying on luck is not sustainable. Improving child care for working parents has enormous societal and economic benefits. This is not an opinion. It’s a fact.

Although I can recall my bliss and recall the daily chaos with distant wonder, I also feel so frustrated that we have not made substantial inroads to better childcare. I mean, are the kids alright? Debatable.

Without getting too “political” we have red senators espousing we need to have more children in our country. Well. Ok. Then let’s activate the village. There are so many simple ways to enable improvements in childcare. I am not going into all the ideas here - but I am looking at you Mamdani! And others. (With hope!)

So now that I am retired, I have my quiet mornings back again. These days, instead of tending to my babies, I am tending to my garden. With my coffee, a puppy, and the sounds of morning nature.

A new bliss! <sigh>

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