A Lazy Writer Prepares to Move

Robb appears to be away from his writing desk again today. What could he possibly have found so important that he missed posting a story this week? Hello, dear reader. I am Robb’s VA. Let’s investigate this matter and see if Robb has been a lazy writer again.

A small yellow sticky note with a slight inward curve has pulled itself off the corner of the computer screen and landed face-down. As I flip the note over I see a single word written in block letters: EMPURPLED. The sticky note stares back at me with its single, cryptic word. What could it mean?

I uncover a series of headshots of Robb that were partially obscured by the mechanical keyboard. In the photos he’s obviously trying to look serious yet friendly. Instead, Robb’s expression oscillates between either a stern grandmother with dyspepsia or a goofy uncle who has just farted. Each picture is 2 x 2 inches in size. There are two sheets of identical photos, and from each page, one photo in the upper-lefthand corner has been cut out and is nowhere to be found.

Stacked next to Robb’s desk we find all four volumes of The Nature of Order by architect Christopher Alexander. The books have sticky tabs marking each chapter but otherwise don’t have the wear or tear you might expect from books with so many handy bookmarks. The set cost $195.90 and was collected between 2014 and 2019. However, Robb hasn’t read more than 20 pages this ten-year after buying the first book. These seem to be more aspirational reads.

Within the pages of the second volume of the aforementioned book series, titled The Process of Creating Life, we find a single piece of printer paper covered in examples of a stylized signature. The signature combines an R and W into a single letterform. It has been written 36 times with a Sharpie marker with various levels of success.

After combing through the desk and its secrets, I have pieced together a theory that exonerates Robb. Hear me out.

We can conclude that Robb was not just being a lazy writer, but preparing to write his magnum opus. Yes, he has been watching anime again. But, as usual, he was using this time wisely to study story structure.

How do I know he was watching anime? The word EMPURPLED was written on a sticky note. This word appears in chapter XX. of Anne of Green Gables, Robb’s favorite book, where it is used to describe Violet Vale in spring.

After the Mayflowers came the violets, and Violet Vale was empurpled with them.

However, I do not see either of the three copies of the book that Robb owns. So instead, he must have been watching the anime version from 1979, Akage no Anne, which also uses the word. Rather than stop the video, he wrote the word onto a sticky note intending to look it up later to find out if it’s a real word (it is).

The photographs suggest that he was inspired by Anne’s can-do attitude and he plans to move to the Land of Anne, Prince Edward Island, to inculcate his creative compulsions. I surmise he submitted two matching photos to the Post Office for the purposes of procuring a passport. Presumably, he believes the sheer force of proximity to Anne Shirley’s homeland will inspire literary genius. One can only hope he’s right.

Once relocated to the Island, Robb must intend to build his own farmhouse using a “pattern language” as detailed in the books he has been browsing. This new home will support his daily writing habit using some of the following patterns.

• Intimacy Gradient (#127) Transitioning through different levels of public and private spaces will help him mentally shift into "writer mode."

• Flexible Office Space (#146) Writers and their offices need to be flexible to suit a variety of tasks and contexts.

• Garden Seat (#176) Writing requires breaks, and a quiet outdoor spot allows the mind to wander and reset.

• Alcoves (#179) Writers often need a space that feels protected yet connected—a cozy corner to retreat to for focused work.

With this supportive environment in place, Robb expects to finish writing and publishing his first novel which will be so brilliantly executed, he will be called upon to sign copies of the book for his adoring fans. He has seen Brandon Sanderson signing title pages on his podcast, and Robb’s optimized his signature for similar successive signing sessions. In preparation for future his levels of fame, Robb has been practicing and perfecting his own signature instead of writing.

And so, dear readers, you may not have a new story this week, but at least you have the truth about this lazy writer’s heroic failure. Should we even call it a failure? Obviously, he was laying the groundwork for something more spectacular.

Look forward to his upcoming novel to be completed swiftly after attaining Canadian citizenship and building his new home. Signed copies will be available.