Finding Your Still Point: The Eye of Calm in the Emotional Storm

https://bit.ly/autism_stillpoint (PDF 480K)

Important Caveat: I’m an autistic/ADHD person, or auDHD, and NOT a mental health professional. What works for me is uniquely my own and is not a one-size-fits-all approach regarding being autistic, ADHD, or neurodivergent.

More simply, “I don’t ‘get this’ or ‘got this’” about autism, ADHD, or being auDHD, as every human being and neurodivergent person is unique.

Unfortunately, those who advocate, speak, and write about autism, ADHD, and neurodivergence create false expectations and stereotypes, suggesting that a neurodivergent person is a certain way.

My hope and intention are to share information and let others know the things that help me to cope, function, and live.

Right now, in my career, I am facing much uncertainty and ambiguity–which creates anxiety, frustration, and a whole gamut of other intense negative feelings and emotions. Yet, over time, well before I was formally diagnosed as autistic (actually an Aspie...), I had learned, discovered, and practiced some coping skills to process extreme situations.

The one strange twist is that often it is not a “formal” coping skill or some explicit means to adapt mentally or psychologically; it was something indirect I discovered and learned. But I am not “<blank>” or have magically overcome the negative emotions and feelings that the stress of living a life brings ...I am very much a work in progress. Hence I definitely do not “got this” as an autistic, ADHD person.

One realization I can now see in past tense and hindsight is that I had the false expectation that there was “one” technique, method, or skill to cope with and adapt to the stress of life. Now I realize I was in error, wrong, and mistaken in that viewpoint. The stressors of life come from many different sources, and so the skills to adapt, cope, and process the stress are also varied and manifold. I am fond of using analogies, metaphors, and similes; I will use one. I was looking for a “cure” to the stressors of life.

When I could not find the “one” thing, I went numb; I felt nothing in terms of emotions and feelings. This approach works, but as I found out the hard way, you cannot “bottle” or “stuff” feelings and emotions. The negative emotions will emerge, often at the worst time or place.

While being numb inside worked, it made life unlivable. I felt nothing, thus felt no negative emotions, but I also felt none of the positive emotions. Instead of enjoying a meal, it was merely shoveling proteins and carbohydrates into my body to refuel. Some of the basic sources of joy, pleasure, and comfort were now lost.

I learned this when my counselor, while I was homeless and in a recovery program (Yes, I was homeless; many neurodivergent persons are...but my story about becoming homeless and working back to having a job, career, and home again is for another time, another day...), pointed that out.

The reality was that to feel emotions I had to accept all feelings and emotions. Another important revelation was that an emotion is experienced; you feel an emotion, hence “feelings,” but they are not thoughts to comprehend or understand. You experience emotions and feelings, and then your thoughts are to comprehend and understand. But both can influence, impact, and shape the other.

There was a Doctor Who episode, “Snakedance,” [Baile 1983] I watched when I was a teenager where the Doctor must seek out a nomadic person to discover how to defeat an ancient, evil creature. The nomad finds the Doctor and explains the “still point”... a place of calm, being centered in our own selves, not some point or place.

I like that idea: a place of calm, being centered. So my process of coping, adapting, and processing the negative emotions and feelings is to try and reach that still point. I try to reach it, as I sometimes do not get to that place completely, but when I am near that still point deep within, I find I can cope and process the stressors creating the negative feelings and emotions, allowing me to cope and then adapt.

Notice I wrote or said, “process the negative emotions and feelings.” I still experience and feel them. I just do not allow myself to be reactive but try to be proactive. An autistic meltdown is a reaction when stress leads to an overload, overwhelm, and then letting the stressors and negative emotions cause an emotionally explosive reaction.

Sometimes the best coping skill is to withdraw from the stressful situation and allow yourself to calm down, relax, and apply other coping techniques, methods, and skills. From the 1975 film “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” [Jones 1975], a funny scene occurs when King Arthur shouts:

“Run away! Run away!” to his knights when they are bombarded by various animals and objects as they attack a castle.

The same approach applies: withdrawal from the situation or to “back off” or “step off” and then allow yourself to decompress from the stressful situation. Instead of stopping the stressor of the situation, you simply remove yourself from the stressful environment.

Once in an online meeting, when I connected to the channel, many colleagues on my team were talking as the meeting had not started. I have a habit of always trying to be on time or early. Yet in this situation, my colleagues were discussing getting stung by bees, sharing stories, anecdotes, and nostalgia.

This was an unexpected trigger–I was twice stung by bees as a boy, and the experience was horrible. I remember how it felt : swelling, feeling like I had been pricked all over, with welts, blisters, and boils-and now my body was reacting by swelling like a balloon. The swelling created pressure against my muscles and bones, so the feeling was of being wrapped and crushed. The family doctor told my mother that, had I not been so young, I might have died.

Hence, the topic of bee stings is a bad one, and when I was in that situation, after a few minutes, I simply wrote in the chat for the channel that I needed to drop. I withdrew from that situation; my colleagues did not know that particular topic was a trigger for a painful, intense memory. The resulting intense negative feelings of impending doom, panic, terror, and the physical manifestation of tinnitus, nausea, heart pounding, and cold sweats-I felt very sick. Then I used some other coping techniques to calm down and get close to that still point within.

One simple coping mechanism to remove the stressor and reach my still point is simply to either block or delay the handling of a stressor. Blocking a stressor is like closing a door to lock the stressor out. Thus, not running away, but simply blocking the stressor that is on the other side of the door.

Sometimes reaching the still point means to block and get the stressor out of your life-even if temporarily. I have had some “toxic” friends and colleagues, and the most effective and simple way to cope with their stress is to get them out of my life - block them out. For some, it went from a temporary coping skill to a permanent one, and those toxic people are out of my life forever.

Another simpler coping mechanism is to delay a response. I call this the “ Scarlett O’Hara” method to handle and process a stressor-simply wait and “worry about it tomorrow.”

The fictional character of Scarlett in the movie “Gone with the Wind” [Howar 1939] will say to herself: “I’ll think about that tomorrow” when she is confronted with a stressor that is too much.

Yet often it works well - by tomorrow or over the weekend, a stressor on Friday is then not so stressful or is void by Monday. Sometimes an immediate reaction in emotion or feeling is the worst way to handle a stressor.

One technique that can be helpful is to focus on my thinking, what thoughts I am having, or meditation. By focusing on my breathing and on my heartbeat, I often find my mind calms, and I reach that still point.

There is much information and material on meditation, so I will not repeat that material in this essay. But for me, meditation is using the mind to calm the mind or more to focus the mind on something else. One part of my meditation process is to breathe slowly with a mental focus on breathing - inhaling and exhaling.

I will often, if I can lie down, put my hand on my heart and feel it beating. Then as I focus and begin to relax, my heart rate slows, and I focus on the slowing of my heartbeat. This feedback cycle of listening to my heartbeat and slowing my heart lets my mind decompress and focus on something other than the stressor. Or at least my mind can feel clear; the stressor is not hitting me constantly anymore and is now at a distance.

Another form of meditation is mindfulness. Again, there is much material and information out there, so I will not repeat the benefits or how to practice mindfulness.

I like to call mindfulness “hyperfocusing on the moment” with the senses. I focus intently on sounds, smells, and other stimuli around me, tuning out other thoughts in my mind.

At certain times, I often close my eyes (and if asked why, I will say I am resting my eyes to any interlopers...) and then listen to the sounds, perceive the vibrations around me, and smell the scents in the air, all while focusing on the moment. Instead of tuning out the external environment, I “turn on” my senses and process the sensory information I take in.

One useful coping skill is cognitive reappraisal, which involves thinking about your thinking regarding a stressor. Cognitive reappraisal is a concept from the book “Shift” [Kross 2021] by Kross, and from the article “No Hard Feelings” [Robson 2025] describing cognitive reappraisal in New Scientist.

The idea of cognitive reappraisal is somewhat simplistic and seems so simple as to be ridiculous. The concept can be stated as:

“If you can change how you think about a situation, you can change how you feel”

Thus, a “shift” in thinking and feelings, emotions.

Cognitive reappraisal involves asking questions about the stressor, the “<blank>” in your life.

The questions to ask yourself are:

1. Why does the stressor bother me?

2. Why do I care that is stressing me?

3. What is the worst outcome, and does it matter?

I once had a meeting with my manager and another manager about my job role. They explained my role was changing priorities now that the project I had been working on had been canceled. This is somewhat typical when working in high-tech as a data/software/machine learning engineer.

Yet I was stressed, anxious, and on tenterhooks about the meeting. I had missed the originally scheduled one as I was sick and unwell physically. The expectation was that I would be fired, terminated, broomed, or sacked due to the project’s cancellation.

But by applying cognitive reappraisal, I answered the questions with:

• Why does the stressor bother me?

It bothers me because I might be fired and out of a job simply because the project was canceled, making me redundant or superfluous.

• Why do I care that is stressing me?

I care because I had spent nearly two years job searching after being laid off from a previous role, so the thought of searching for a job again was daunting and overwhelming. I feared that if I did not find a job, I would be back to square one-homeless, as I had been before.

• What is the worst outcome, and does it matter?

The worst outcome is being out of a job and unemployed. It matters for finding another role.

But the real “worst outcome” I had experienced was being homeless and having to live in a shelter ( a long story, but I was betrayed by siblings and left for dead...the category of homeless person I call “unfortunate circumstances”; not everyone who is homeless fits into the stereotypes, but that is a long story shared elsewhere ...), and starting over.

When I (I was writing this out on my computer in a text editor...) wrote those two words, I realized I was fearful of something that was not immediate. It was not “terminated = homeless”...I was connecting falling dominoes, and the first had not fallen yet.

Then I reminded myself that I had been unemployed before and found another job. Also, I had experienced homelessness, and nobody except me had gotten out of that particular “pit” in my life. I did so and got my career back on track.

While I was still anxious and on edge, I realized what the real reason for my anxiety and angst was. My emotions went from swimming in a freezing lake in the middle of winter to now standing on the shore in my white briefs. Both are uncomfortable and difficult, but one is more bearable than the other. Thus, cognitive reappraisal helped me reassess by changing how I thought about the situation.

I stopped “catastrophizing” and began to think about what was really driving my emotional stress, realizing I was “overthinking” what might happen. The worst-case scenario was being unemployed and back in the job market-something I had done before. So that situation became more sensible and less emotional. Cognitive reappraisal helps cope by seeing things with focus, rather than being caught in an emotional quagmire of doom and feelings of catastrophe.

The idea is : change how you think about a situation, and you change how you feel, putting emotions and feelings in proper perspective.

The hard part is learning to do this amid the situation, and for that, it is simple: habit and practice. Easier said than done, however.

One way I cope is to “burn” the energy of a life situation that is a stressor through physical activity. Not jogging or aerobics, but more walking and pacing. Or even playing with pets, using physical energy to play with a toy alongside them. Another method for me is to rock back and forth while listening to my favorite music. I think of other things as I get physical and avoid focusing on the stressor, thus relieving stress.

Another more recent coping technique I use is a stim toy [Kozlo 2025] or stimulus toy. One stim toy I have used for years without realizing it (I was diagnosed with ADHD in the 1990s at university and then, later in life, as autistic, or an aspie...) is a pencil or pen. I often move a pencil or pen among my fingers, spinning, moving, and fidgeting ...that is an impromptu stim toy. Sometimes my tablet stylus, while I am reading, writing, or doodling, becomes an impromptu stim toy.

Now I have “squeeze” toys that I use during a meeting, while reading e- mails, or doing something intense. The stim toy helps provide some physical activity for my hand if I am not bouncing my leg or wiggling, shaking my foot. But the stim toy serves as an outlet for physical activity, and for me, it helps me destress in a situation and reach close to my still point.

There is a dizzying amount of information out there about Greek “Stoic” philosophy, and this essay is not big enough to cover all the nuances and details. (Perhaps one day I will write about being an autistic person and a follower of Stoic philosophy...any takers keen on the idea?) But I have found some aspects of Stoicism to be very useful coping skills .

This aspect of Stoic philosophy is to see life’s situations, scenarios, and stressors as opportunities to grow as learning experiences. Look at a situation as a new experience, but one to add to your knowledge and wisdom. In a way, Stoic philosophy represents a shift in thinking. Thus, through the challenges, problems, and difficulties that come to us in life, we should view them as chances to grow and learn.

I have looked at situations in the past, and some I would never wish upon anyone (such as becoming homeless, losing everything...) I now see what I have gained and learned in some ways.

From homelessness, I realized many things I took for granted in life, and now I have a greater appreciation for having lost those things. I now have them back, and in realizing that loss, I do not take those things for granted anymore. One of the simplest things was being able to do things on my own time-like eating, for example.

The homeless shelter where I stayed had fixed times for eating, what you ate, and then lights-out. There was no option to eat a late meal, get a snack, or even choose when I could retire to my bed to sleep. That freedom was lost and now regained-I have a greater appreciation for that simple thing.

Thus, Stoicism is about seeing any stressful situation as an opportunity to grow, learn, and gain insights, perhaps even wisdom.

Another aspect of Stoic philosophy is about control-what you, as an individual, can control, and what is beyond your control. Stoic philosophy emphasizes that you, the individual, cannot control the situation ( which is why it becomes a life stressor...) or how a situation unfolds. The only control you have is over yourself; you have the freedom and luxury of choice regarding how to respond to a stressor.

The choice of response allows you, as a person, to choose how to respond. You can be reactive, succumbing to emotions and the storm of chaotic feelings, or proactive, responding differently using many coping skills, methods, and techniques- without reacting emotionally.

One question I ask when faced with a stressor in life is : “What does it matter to me?” or, “What about it matters to me?” The “it” refers to the emotional stressor, the situation in life. Learning to stop and ask this question helps me choose a response, if any, and keeps a stressor from becoming more stressful.

Once, I was at a store and got in line waiting to check out one morning. Suddenly, a guy appeared; he had been searching for something among the checkout aisles, then exclaimed, “Hey, I’m next in line!” and walked in front of me with his items to check out.

I was annoyed and was about to respond with a sarcastic quip:

“What are you complaining about? You still are.”

But allowing myself to respond emotionally with sarcasm was pointless. Whether I waited several minutes or not, I would check out with my items and leave, having completed my shopping. For a brief moment, I almost reacted emotionally; however, I paused and realized it was a superfluous stressor, immaterial.

Getting into an argument or escalating the situation would have been a waste of time and energy. The insistent shopper checked out, and I never saw him again. I cannot even remember anything except that he was another male and what he said, which illustrates its immateriality. I still got my purchases and checked out of the store... so, done-mission accomplished.

The challenge with the still point is finding the mix of techniques to help function and cope with situations to reach your still point.

I am still learning, discovering, and using techniques and methods to reach my still point within myself. I am not “” and continue to search, try, and seek coping strategies.

Life is a stressor, but by finding the still point, the increased acuity of senses and the challenges in processing can be managed. Learning to cope constructively is an ongoing lifelong process of learning, applying, learning again, and applying again.

In life, there is a chaotic storm of stress, but by finding your still point within, an autistic, ADHD, auDHD, or neurodivergent person can still cope, function, and live with some hope.

Find what works for you to reach your still point. The process is one of searching and learning. Yet, as Seneca [Gumme 1925] wrote:

“You must linger among a limited number of master thinkers and digest their works if you would derive ideas that will win a firm hold in your mind.”

Find what works for you, try techniques and methods, and then utilize them. If a technique does not work, simply do not try to force it. Find the mix, the pastiche, the medley of coping skills and strategies that work for you. Then use them in practice.

The still point within is your own personal locus, a point inside you, so you can discover those things in your repertoire that work for you to reach the still point. There is no “one size fits all” approach to finding the eye of calm in the emotional storm.

The still point is a custom-tailored approach that you have the power to find, learn, practice, and utilize in the great stressor that neurotypicals call “life” while living your life. The change is minor, step by step, but monumental over time. So give yourself a chance to learn, try, practice, and reach toward your still point.

Thus, dear reader, find your still point within you, cope with the stress that is life, and live your best life now!

• Baile 1983] Bailey, Christopher, Screenwriter, and Cumming, Fiona, Director. Snakedance, Screenplay. BBC One, 1983. http://www.chakoteya.net/DoctorWho/20-2.htm, Accessed February 10, 2026.

• [Godfr 2021] Godfrey, Pete. “Blue and White Stones on Black Rock,” https://unsplash.com/photos/blue-and-white-stones-on-black-rock-eaG1dTzqrNw, August 3, 2021, Accessed February 10, 2026.

• [Gumme 1925] Gummere, Richard M. Seneca: Ad Luclium Epistulae Morales, G.P. Putnam’s Sons, New York, New York, United States of America, 1925. Online at: https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Moral_letters_to_Lucilius/Letter_2, Accessed February 10, 2026.

• [Howar 1939] Howard, Sidney, Screenwriter, and Fleming, Victor, Director. Gone with the Wind Screenplay, Based on the novel by Margaret Mitchell. Selznick International Pictures; Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 1939.

• [Jones 1975] Jones, Terry, and Gilliam, Terry. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Cinema 5 Distributing, 1975.

• [Kozlo 2025] Kozlowski, Christina. “The Best Autism Fidget Toys to Relieve Stress and Anxiety,” Autism Parenting Magazine, London, United Kingdom, February 21, 2025. https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/fidget-toys-to-relieve-stress-anxiety, Accessed February 10, 2026.

• [Kross 2021] Kross, Ethan. Shift: Managing Your Emotions–So They Don’t Manage You. Crown Publishing Group/Random House, New York, New York, United States of America, 2021.

• [Robso 2025] Robson, David. “No Hard Feelings,” New Scientist, pp. 30-33, May 10, 2025.

• [Wikip 2026] Wikipedia Contributors, “Stoicism,” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism Accessed February 10, 2026.

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