My struggle with alcohol

A king once ruled a kingdom, but he didn’t conquer his subjects. He was simply available, and when the people decided to fall underneath him, he ruled. He didn’t ask to rule all. He didn’t have any sort of dominion or predatory tendencies. Instead, he sat around and waited for the civilians to desire kingdom rule if only they desired.

The ones that left “freedom” to fall under his authority are considered normal. In this culture it is more frowned upon to not partake in kingdom culture, than to be an individual. People see it as connecting with others, as well as a safety blanket in times of trouble. Those who stay distant from this kingdom rule see the partakers within the walls as fools. They view it as superfluous and getting involved into more trouble than they realize.

The king isn’t to blame for this trouble, however. The king is rich and his kingdom shows it. He gives his people access to a great deal of escape. He gives, but sets no limits. It is up to the subject’s discretion on whether he abuses these gifts. He simply asks that they find joy in his company. After all, the Father and Creator who gave them the king, asked the same when he placed him there.

The individuals on the outside may see themselves as superior for being set apart. A pride in their ability to outlast the cries of people inside the walls. It can feel good at times to not be apart of the crowd, but what is their reason? For some, it may be a superiority complex, as I mentioned, however, some may do it because they don’t see the point. Frankly, they see it adding nothing of value to the life they desire. If they can let the those living responsibly in the kingdom stay, then they are not wrong either. Both can live in harmony, but it rarely occurs that way.

This is not about a kingdom.

It’s about the bottle.

Booze, drink, spirits,

Alcohol.

The monster that everyone has conquered except me. The shadowy figure that rears its head every time I walk out the door. Monday through Sunday, its availability has no limits. So what is the hold up for me?

A little kid who grew up with no negative impacts in regards to the bottle, holds the most extreme view? How is that?

I don’t know.

From a young age, everything I touched became a problem. Some less impactful than others, but the same principle applies. Once I picked something up, I didn’t like putting it down. My life was fine without it, but now I have experienced a life with it, and I can’t go back. Whether that was playing a song till I couldn’t listen to it anymore, picking up a ball until I couldn’t lift my arm, or even setting my eyes upon the exposed bodies of individuals on the internet. It’s here now, and I didn’t want it to leave.

Bottles were always around. People would sneak around and try to hide their newfound love for a buzz. I never had any trouble accessing it. I’d go to grab a popsicle and pass by the wine cellar. I would go to get the scissors to open my delight and gaze up at whichever handle you fancy. My hand never got close to unscrewing the tops of any of them, however.

I was happy to be needed. I have driven countless miles for the sake of being sober. I also liked the allure of being asked why. A mystery that no one could crack because I really didn’t have a reason. I liked standing out. I had to make myself something, so I could be of interest.

Pride.

I, I, I.

I could be excluded and give my conscious a reason. I started to be a walking conviction. I didn’t like that. I sure hope it wasn’t something I said. I started to question why I was operating like this.

Notice how none of these reasons seemed to echo that I did them for the sake of my faith? I had convicted myself. It was never about God. It was about me.

I wish I had the same disgust instilled for my other vices.

My grandma may have been one of the reasons. She offered me 1,000$ to not drink until the legal age. I passed that, but it may have caused me to alienate apart of myself that I wish I knew sooner.

I could go on and on about the dangers of alcohol and the negative effects. I made that my excuse for not partaking. I may have believed that at one point, but it was something much deeper. I wanted to be better than you.

And I was.

I had the self control that you didn’t. I never have tasted a drop of alcohol on my own volition. One time, I mistook a sweetwater for a sprite. That was quickly spit out. I don’t remember for sure if that actually happened, but I don’t think I’d make it up.

Some people have the struggle of not being able to control themselves. I know I told you about my struggles with addiction, and you may be puzzled on how I can say that I have self control, but I do on certain things when it is in relation to competition. It doesn’t come from the best place, I realize that. Like most things, I should avoid or treat myself to whatever makes me a better disciple and love God better.

It’s been almost three years since I have eaten fast food. Why? Well, I feel a lot better and look significantly better than I did. It is one of the best decisions that I have ever made. However, you know how good it feels to tell someone that the greasy, unhealthy, countless ingredients fried sandwich is not something that you partake in? You wouldn’t believe how high my pride gets in that moment. Always trying to find the upper hand in the land of competition.

I have learned to lose that though. I do everything in my power to not compare because nothing I do is a result of anything I did. I live this life because the Spirit of God lives in me. I am well aware of what happens when I take control.

Then I observed that most people are motivated to success because they envy their neighbors. But this, too, is meaningless—like chasing the wind. Ecclesiastes 4:4

It is meaningless. Like, congrats Will! You are better at not sinning, while still sinning in the process! I throw a party in my head and at the same time view my neighbor as subhuman to fill my own résumé.

There’s the problem. That is my struggle with alcohol.

The fast food is of course not good for me, but my reasoning in skewed in that moment with my friend. Instead of my mind being focused on myself and the negative impacts it has on me, I immediately go to comparison.

As I got older, I understood my reasoning. I began to break down this viewpoint in my brain. This scary monster is not scary at all. If I truly believed alcohol was this bad, why do all the people I respect and love indulge?

I had an irrational fear of an inanimate object who couldn’t talk or move. My flesh had put a wall up and I began to sit in a chair of honor set upon a heap of dung.

I’m 21 now and I still haven’t drank. I still don’t completely understand the draw. I don’t like what it does to the people I love. It makes people into a shell of themselves. However, the closer I become to those who enter this kingdom rule, the more my heart softens. I began to see why they would desire such an existence. It is not the alcohol’s fault for the lack of control in regard to its subjects. There comes my epiphany.

I can’t let alcohol rule me.

Let’s see if I can explain. Alcohol has no power over me. There really isn’t a single fiber in my being that is attracted to its luster. However, I must become like my brethren to fall from my chair of deceit. A form of humility if you will grant it.

Does that make sense? I am reminded of St. Paul describing himself becoming like everyone for the sake of the gospel. My conscious does not discourage me from tasting the buzz. I would not be sinning by sipping on the fermented grapes. If that is your case, I would advise you to avoid such an endevour.

I wanted to be set apart so bad. It tells me to in the bible after all!

Therefore, come out from among unbelievers, and separate yourselves from them, says the LORD. Don’t touch their filthy things, and I will welcome you. 2 Corinth 6:17

The context of this is not to avoid everything in which we see the majority enjoying. St. Paul is describing Idol worship here. There is no command to avoid wine, instead it is a command to use it as a tool for accessing the blood of God. It is also asinine to describe alcohol as “filthy”. The thing Jesus uses at his last supper and in his first miracle are nothing to consider as such. It is a culture ploy and echoed out by others rooted in nothing but opinion. I would much rather be known for separating myself from other’s by the way I love, than to turn down a drink for some cultural distinction.

God can’t make sinful things. You, the person, are to blame for how you let alcohol rule you. The same applies for all worldly pleasures.

I think for some, it is better to abstain. If you are being ruled day in and day out, you may be a subject within a kingdom of no escape. You lock yourself inside, while God is waiting outside the wall.

On May 16th, I will taste my first sip of what was alcohol. God’s blood will enter my system for the first time under the appearance of wine. I will put my lips on the edge of the chalice and no longer have a fear of what I thought was so intimidating. The boy who used to make sure it was grape juice in which he was drinking out of fear of doing something wrong, will now gladly take and drink whatever connects he and his savior.

My God can turn anything to good. Alcohol is not my master. The savior of the world has offered me a cup, and I can’t run fast enough to approach it.

So, that was my struggle with alcohol.

I no longer see myself as better than anyone. It took my own sin to realize this. I began to view myself lower than everyone. All I had to do was look upon the cross and see God upon it.

Christ lives inside of me to speak life into his creation. How can I do that if my pedestal is beyond the reach of their ear?

Be praying for my Conformation and the Eucharist.

Peace be with you

William

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