Trust the Ebb and Flow of Your Relationships

All relationships ebb and flow - friendships, familial relationships, lovers. You will have seasons where you feel very connected, where you’re having fun together, where you light up in each other‘s presence. And there will be seasons where there seems to be a little bit more friction, OR the conversation doesn’t flow as easily, or you feel a little bit edgy in the other person’s presence.

All lasting relationships will go through seasons of expansion and contraction. This is normal. However, it can be hard when you’re in it. You may wonder if the contraction is a sign that the friendship or the relationship is dying. Will it ever be the same again? You might feel an urge to exit quickly. You might want to immediately try to fix it and work on the relationship. You may be the type to avoid thinking about it altogether.

I outline some reminders and guidance for approaching times when the relationship isn’t flowing as well as it used to be.

1. Observe without making decisions

Start with observing how you feel around the other person. Specifically, notice how your body feels. Do you feel any part of your body get tight or contracted? Do you feel a pit in your stomach? Do you notice yourself feeling anxious? How is the relationship draining you or nourishing you? How do you feel when you leave?

Notice how your body feels around being this person, and then sit with the information for a while. Do you not jump to any conclusions about where the relationship is going. Simply collect evidence without making any decisions. It takes discipline to be in discomfort without changing it, or avoiding it. But in the discomfort, you receive information. There is also wisdom in allowing something to play out naturally, without taking control and forcing it in a certain direction.

2. Create space without abrupt changes

Let’s say you notice that you’re not feeling great. You’re feeling anxious, contracted, or otherwise misaligned in the relationship. Rather than ending it or making a drastic change, consider taking one step backward. Not a leap backward, not running in the other direction, but just one step back. If you usually hang out twice a week, hang out once a week for the next few weeks. If you usually talk on the phone every day, talk on the phone twice a week. Simply turn down the volume a little bit.

This gives you time to notice how you’re feeling without needing to make any declarations to the other person. You may choose to exit the relationship or significantly change it and decide you need to communicate that, but a lot of times, these ebbs and flows shift naturally. You don’t need to have a full conversation about it. In fact, you might regret doing that later because your negative feelings toward the person may be fleeting. A lot of people, including myself, want to make big jumps when something doesn’t feel aligned, but often the wise path is just being patient throughout a light storm and waiting to get to the other side.

If you were still feeling misaligned after a few months, and especially after several months, that’s when you would start considering a bigger change in the relationship. You might consider having a conversation with this person, if you haven’t already, or even ending the relationship. Several months of stagnation, crunchiness, or anxiousness in a relationship doesn’t sound like a natural ebb and flow, but a sign of a significant issue that needs resolution.

3. Identify the problem, or not…

Why do you think you’re feeling crunchy? Is there something about the other person that you were seeing with fresh eyes? Is there an aspect of their behavior that no longer resonates? Do you still feel aligned with each other‘s values? Have they hurt your feelings? Is there something that you need to disclose to them or discuss with them? Is there resentment building? There may be distinct reasons that the relationship isn’t flowing very well. If so, that should be noted. A conversation may be needed to address it.

However, it is also possible that the other person is doing nothing wrong. They may slightly annoy you, or may have some flaws. But beyond your specific preferences, they may be doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Sometimes when a relationship feels off, you will want to point to a fault of the other person to justify or contextualize your experience. It will feel easier to feel crunchy in the relationship if you can point to how annoying they are or the rude thing they keep saying. However, sometimes two people are just not gelling perfectly. You don’t need to come up with a “diagnosis“ or specific reason why things are going wrong. It is enough to just notice it without trying to understand the causation. Focusing on your friend’s faults, and exaggerating them in your mind to yourself to justify your emotions is not a good long-term strategy.

4. Remember all the ways this person has been good to you

if you’re anything like me, you live in the present. Perhaps, like me, you evaluate people based on what is in front of you. This can allow you to have a very dynamic and authentic relationship, but it can also lead to you forgetting the history of a relationship. History matters.

If somebody has shown up for you as a wonderful friend for two years, but for one month is annoying you or is a little bit self-absorbed, it would be a mistake to end the friendship when they’ve been wonderful for a long period of time. In that moment, they may need some grace and support from you, their friend. Nobody is 100% all the time. Don’t forget to remember all the ways in which they have loved and supported you up till now. If it’s been a great relationship overall, allow the ebb and flow and trust that the relationship will stabilize again.

Conversely, if the relationship hasn’t felt very good for years or has never felt very good, that is a different story. Context matters.

5. Love big with a loose grip

It can feel so devastating when an important relationship begins to change. Your relationships are so valuable and such an important part of your life. However, all parts of life are changing. Nothing is ever permanent. It’s powerful to live life by loving big, but loosely. This means that you deeply love and enjoy what you have, including the people close to you, but you don’t grip onto them. You care deeply, but are also aware that life may guide you in a different direction at any time.

You can’t hold onto something as it slips away. If it is flowing away from you, let it go. It will come back, or it won’t. Loving relationships will always find you if you’re open to them. Try as you might, you can’t hold onto something that is slipping away. Take comfort in the fact that if one relationship fades or takes less space in your life, it simply makes room for another more aligned relationship to take its place. These ebbs and flows of nature are for the highest good of everybody involved. While it may be painful to see a relationship step back out of your life, know that it is always for your benefit, even if it doesn’t seem like it at that time.

It is eclipse season. Relationship shifts are a common theme during eclipse seasons. Certain relationships may be taking a back seat or exiting your life, and new ones may be coming in. Trust the flow of your life. As long as you are listening to your intuition and leading with love, you will always end up in a beautiful place. If you are in the dark, keep walking.