Stop Settling in Relationships

Am I settling and accepting too little? Or do I just need to lean in, do the work, be grateful for what I have, and stop looking for a “perfect” person.

I don’t think there is such a thing as a perfect person or a perfect relationship. However, there are people who have a beautiful combination of characteristics, values, and approach to life that really suits you and the life you want to live. Some people can better meet your needs than others, and are more aligned with what you want out of life and out of a relationship.

It can be really hard to clearly see your own relationship. It can be very confusing because you have a lot of love, care, and history with your partner, and you can see all the potential for what can grow in the relationship. You also might have a hard time being honest with yourself and what you want, and figuring out what is a non-negotiable need and what is a nice-to-have. If you are reading this Substack, you likely care about personal development and self-responsibility, so you might also be trying to assess what your role is in the relationship–if you leave, will you just find a new set of similar issues?

I can’t tell you if you are settling in your relationship. I cannot tell you if you should commit to your partner or break up. In a coaching session, I can help you better see and understand yourself, what you want, and your own intuition. Through this process, you will be able to make the decision with more confidence. Via newsletter, however, the best I can offer is questions to chew on.

We all have different needs in relationships. However, the questions point to needs that many people have, and highlight common ways that I see clients settling or diminishing what they want. This isn’t the sole framework to assess whether a relationship is right for you, but it is meant to provide a perspective that can develop your thinking. There isn’t one right answer with any of these - they are meant to spark curiosity and awareness.

Consider the following questions to help you better see yourself, your partner, your relationship, and whether you are getting what you want:

1. Authenticity: Are you bringing your full self to the relationship? Are you aware of how you feel, your desires, and how you want to experience life? Are you sharing those things?

Yesterday, I asked my community on Instagram to share any questions or thoughts about settling. A wonderful practitioner I admire, Jacob Massey, responded, “I like to say, we cannot settle if we bring our FULL self into it. Settle for less, we are less.” He went on to tell me that if you bring your full self, it can act as a catalyst for your partner to bring their full self too, and that can result in a more fulfilling relationship. Alternatively, if you bring your full self and you aren’t being met, the relationship will organically dissolve.

I love this perspective. I interpret Jacob’s response to mean that if we are bringing our full selves, our desires, our needs, our expression into the relationship, we will either be met there, or we won’t. Either way, the answer will be clear. If you aren’t met, then you will know, and you can act accordingly. The confusion happens when you self-abandon and are not honest with yourself or the other person about what is important to you.

2. Reciprocity: How do you express love to your partner? How do you express love to your friends? How do your friends treat you? How does your partner treat you? Who do you feel the most seen by?

I’ve had relationships where I was not feeling very loved or adored by my partner, but I was feeling that way from my friends. I excused my partner’s behavior, when I would never accept that behavior from a friend. I consider that an example of settling.

The point of these questions is to consider if you are feeling loved and seen by the important relationships in your life, and if you are making other people feel loved. Is there a disparity between your partner versus your friends? If so, why is that?

3. Admiration and Respect: Do you admire your partner? Do you respect the way they treat others, treat themselves, live their life, spend their time or money, or make decisions?

Most people want to admire and respect their partner. If you do not admire and respect your partner, pause. Is that the right relationship for you? Is that someone you want in your life in the long term, influencing every decision you make? Is that someone you want raising your kids, or making essential decisions about your finances and health care?

Another thing to consider is whether you are lowering your standards for the people you date. I often see women lowering their standards for men they are interested in. Are you impressed by something they do, when in reality, all of your friends do something similar? For example, I hear women saying, “Oooh, he has art on the walls and a bedframe,” or “he asked me about my day!” If they walked into any of their 29-year-old female friends' homes, they would not ooh-and-ah about the same thing, and they might expect any of their close friends to show an interest in their day. These things are awesome, and it is great to appreciate them! But notice if you are extremely impressed by something that you expect from other groups of people, and ask why the difference in expectations?

Personally, I think many women expect less from men. I think it is a disservice to everyone. It suggests that we don’t expect men to do basic things, which I think is infantilizing, and that we don’t think we can find a man who is our equal, which is not true.

4. Value: What are they offering your life? Make a list. How are they making your life easier, more fun, interesting, expansive, fulfilling, or emotionally supportive? Point to tangible examples, beyond just vibes and warmth.

When doing this, do not consider their circumstances. Do not consider their level of effort. Just focus on what you are receiving. The amount of effort they put in is relevant, but many people tend to focus so much on whether the other person is trying and ignore whether they are satisfied with what they are receiving.

5. Excuses: Do you make excuses for them? When does that come up and why? Do you have different standards for them than you do for yourself, your friends, family, or others you respect? Similarly, do you make more excuses for yourself?

Notice whether you are tolerating behavior, from your partner or yourself, that you would not usually accept.

6. Inspiration: Do you feel inspired in the relationship? How does it encourage you to be a more loving person?

Who are you being in the world, and how might your relationship be impacting that? You are responsible for your own life and how you show up, but notice how your relationship is inspiring or motivating you, or not.

7. Waiting Game: How do you feel when you are waiting to hear from them?

This especially applies in the first few months or year of dating. Feeling anxious, confused, or indifferent are yellow/red flags. Feeling secure, comfortable, or excited are green flags.

Conversely, do either of you always need to be in communication to feel secure? Can you allow each other to be present in your individual lives and trust that you will make time to connect?

8. Communication: What is it like to ask for help? How is feedback received? How do they respond to questions? How do you navigate conflict?

Do you need to perform mental gymnastics to discuss things like cleaning up after yourself, getting a ride, or running a small errand? Do you feel comfortable talking about the relationship? Do you need to strategize to bring up a small piece of constructive criticism? Are you able to receive their criticism? Can you let your partner know if you want to go on a date or do something romantic? Do they make you feel small or embarrassed for asking questions? Do you allow them to ask questions?

9. Attraction: Are you turned on by them? Are you genuinely attracted to them?

This can be a complicated inquiry, as a lot of factors can influence attraction and sex drive. Still, notice if you find them attractive. If not, when was the last time you did? What were the circumstances around that? Are you connected to your own turn on and body?

10. Desires: What do you want? Is this how you want to be shown love? Is this how you want to live?

Breaking up can feel so personal, but it doesn’t need to be. The other person does not have to be doing something wrong. You can simply realize you want something different. Sometimes, people will stretch to find a flaw in another person to justify a breakup. That is not necessary. Your partner can be a great person, and you can know in your heart that the relationship is not right for you.

11. Growth: Are they willing to grow with you? Do they want to meet your needs? Are they willing to challenge themselves, be vulnerable, and seek help to grow the relationship?

This might be the most important question. Many of the things above can be resolved if two people are willing to meet each other, share, grow, and challenge themselves.

12. Soul: Is this relationship what your soul came here to experience? Is this the love that you want?

The answer to this question will most likely be found through connecting to your body, quieting your mind, and tapping into your heart. Prayer can also help.

What came up when you answered these questions? Again, there aren’t right or wrong answers. What matters is how comfortable you are with your answers. You might realize that your responses to five of these questions aren’t great, but you feel really good about the ones that matter most to you, and trust in your ability to grow together. You might find that you only have one concerning answer, but it is a non-negotiable.

Notice how your body feels as you consider the different questions. Are you feeling anxious or contracted anywhere? Do you feel a deeper knowing? Or, are you more confused than ever?

Remember, if you promise to yourself to always be the most loving, authentic, and brave version of yourself, you will never end up in the wrong place, or miss out on something meant for you. There will be no wrong decisions. You will always be right where you are meant to be.

Next steps: Did this bring up something for you? Are you having big relationship questions you need to work out? Are you unsure about what the next step is for you? If you are a yes to any of these questions, reach out and learn more about relationship coaching. Book a free connection call here. You can get support and make this decision with more clarity, self-understanding, and wisdom.