A place to put it all for safekeeping. ...
I've seen him in the halls Taking away empty beds from the unit Returning them newly occupied Paper blue scrubs and a cap Always a smile Brighter than scialytic lamps Always a "How ya doin'?" It's been fourteen years I couldn't even tell you his name Though I've always known (Without really knowing) Exactly the measure of his soul It wasn't until today that the concrete evidence bared itself On…
"Everything is going to be ok." I'd like you to contemplate for just a moment The gravity of such a statement When spoken by someone like me Dismal origins Hemorrhaged into tragic months, years, decades Development that should've choked as it bled Starting with a neural tube defect Not fit for birth But somehow The universe demonstrated grace Permitted my entry Into chaos Nights we fled Days we…
“You just haven’t been yourself lately.” Right. You see, I can’t swim. More importantly, I cannot swim and I’ve found myself treading water in the middle of the Atlantic with a hurricane whipping the sea into a frenzy all around me. I want to die. I’ve found myself saying this at least once a day. Sitting in the car. Alone. Staring at nothing in particular. “Keep swimming.” I can’t. I never…
I say I need time away I say I need sunshine I say I need peace The truth is I didn’t know what pulled me here To the red rocks The snowy mountains The never-ending miles of sand and cacti The purpose never reveals itself easily I’m not chasing theoretical knowledge I’m digging with both hands I am dirty and I am hungry and I am tired But I come back Changed I put myself into situations that…
The ache is impossibly, frustratingly familiar The pattern is only visible in hindsight I’m told with more therapy I’ll see it sooner Next time Must I do this all over again? Maybe like The slow burn of a cigarette The sip of whiskey The clock reading 0228 Him I know this is bad for me But the taste on my lips The warmth that fills me from my toes to the tip of my nose Overrides survival instincts…
On consumption: “Eat me up” I don’t say it But it underlies The catch of a glance When we pass in an empty hallway The downward pitch in his tone When he isn’t allowed to speak the words The lingering fingertips When I pass him an FYI And I’m cooked Char broiled Seared to perfection Crisp edges, soft center I gather the data “How do you like your eggs?” And scramble myself in the pan Breakfast in…
It’s taken months (Of watching the clock tick second by second) It’s taken clarity of mind (While scrubbing off the grime of seeping wounds now reopened) It’s taken reflection (While reminding myself that I am safely tucked away in 2025 amidst echoes of 1995) The words have surfaced Like clearing layers of chiseled stone away from ancient bones buried beneath decades of defense mechanisms They…
My daily struggle is mourning Everything I can’t remember about my past Everything I don’t know about where I came from Everything I was never taught and had to learn on my own All of it adding up to an undeveloped identity Put on the back burner when the priority was surviving a life I never asked for How can I finish the puzzle if I’m missing half the pieces? Variables undefined Corrupt data…
I can measure the time since I’ve last felt her breath on my neck By the angle at which I carry myself through this world Standing taller Straighter I am older And wiser Than the last time she was released The low rumble of a chuckle Accompanied by the acrid smell of sulfur and burning hair Scars and teeth and eyes black Not empty But bottomless Endless Something primal inside me Made separate to…
Identity is not fixed It is fluid I never needed to reassemble fractured shards of self I needed to melt into the scattered drippings of a raging sea I feared would drown anyone around me The tide recedes to return a tsunami And all the shame I stitched together and in futility draped overhead Nothing more than a torn umbrella, useless against the storm that blinded me regardless A return to self…