There is something that I have often talked about with my kids over the last decade or so, but the truth is, the lesson was always for me.
Happiness in this life isn't a given.
No matter how much money you have, no matter how fit you are, no matter how much someone else loves you, finding and keeping your happiness is a full-time job.
And you have to take charge of it. You have to own it.
No one can make you happy. No one can make you fulfilled or content. Not a partner, not a job, not money, and not even children you love more than life itself.
Happiness is a choice you have to make, and it is hard.
And when your life turns upside down in midlife, when it feels out of control, when you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, it can be even harder.
To be happy, you have to fight off feelings of guilt and inadequacy and the desire to please. You have to let go of the idea of perfection and see the beauty in the chaos of your life. You have to take responsibility—for your actions, for your words, for your mistakes. And you can’t try to control everything either (trust me on this one), which only leads to disappointment.
In fact, sometimes the harder you try, the worse it goes. I know this firsthand.
Happiness won’t just come to you. It’s not something you can turn on and off. You have to reach out and take it every single day. Even be a little greedy with it.
You have to fill your life with things that bring YOU joy, and sometimes that means ignoring what others want you to do. It also means putting up some serious boundaries for those who want to bring their chaos into your world.
I know that it sounds easy in theory, but it is difficult for most women. It's been difficult for me.
You have to strive for connection—to people, to passions, to art, to anything that brings you peace and contentment. You have to work hard to create deeper relationships with friends and family and find gratitude for the little things.
You have to put yourself first sometimes, even when it feels like others need you to survive. You have to learn to ask for help. You have to learn how to accept help. And the truth is, many women aren’t good at this part.
And when you find yourself yearning for peace, when you find yourself desperately wanting to fill a happiness void in your life, remember there is no tangible thing, such as food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, etc. that will make you feel whole. These are short-term fixes and will never solve your problems.
I have to remind myself that happiness and contentment is not something you feel every moment or even every day. And that's okay. We all face bad times.
It is more a state of being, a way to live your life. It is making a conscious choice to see the good. It is maintaining perspective. It is how you make others feel so maybe you feel a little bit better, too.
But the most important thing I share with my kids, the most important thing I’m sharing with you, the most important thing I forgot the last few years…is when things look bleak, you must know how to find joy, you know how to pull yourself out of the shadows, you know what to do to make sure you feel at peace with yourself.
And when you get lost in the darkness, you know to ask for help.
It took me a bit of time to remember that last year, to remind myself that no matter how alone I feel, I’m not walking this path by myself. When I started finding what brought me some joy, I found others to share in it. And that’s when my healing began.
What is the best part of achieving happiness and contentment as a woman?
When you’re happy, you want to lift others up as well. You can spread compliments and compassion and grace around like confetti—which makes everyone feel good. You can be a better partner, a better parent, a better human. You can judge less because you are satisfied with your own life; you can give more because you know how “rich” you truly are; you can sleep better knowing you’re living the life you’re meant to live.
Sometimes your happiness and your peace will mean cutting out the negativity in your life. This might mean less social media or saying no to toxic people. Boundaries are for people, but they are also for things that mess with your head. Listen to me when I say this: Do whatever it takes to protect your peace.
Do not believe it when someone says this is selfish. You have to protect your happiness with every fiber of your being. Resentment and guilt are heavy burdens to offload in your life.
If you learn anything from me, gentle reader, if my kids take anything from me being their mom, I want you to see how I found my happiness and peace in this complicated life.
My kids bring me so much joy, my work is fulfilling, my marriage is whole, but feeling happy and content? Well, that comes from deep within myself, and it took me a long time to get here.
Find out what makes you the happiest, find out what brings you joy, and then do that. A lot.
You deserve all the happiness you can get out of this life.
As do we all.
A few things that have brought me true joy this last year:
-After years of struggling with my eyesight, I finally bought myself a kindle where I can adjust the light and font so I can read in whatever situation I am in at the moment. It’s been a game changer and I’m 20+ books in for the year, more than I’ve read in a long time. I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. I thought that listening to books was enough, but the truth is, reading is the only time where I am focused on only one thing. I know it’s good for my brain.
-Learning to cook high-protein meals with my youngest daughter. She finds the recipes on TikTok and then we try them together. It’s been fun to connect in this way with her, and I feel like it’s helped my overall health as well.
-Exploring more. Going to new coffee shops, beaches, farmer’s markets, restaurants, hiking trails, etc. Trying to do one new thing a week. I follow lots of Instagram accounts for my home town and write down the things I want to try and then use that as my bucket list.
-Learning Mahjong. I am seriously hoping this game repairs all the brain damage I’ve done on social media the last decade.
-Regularly volunteering. Whether it is giving blood, working at the food bank, cleaning out a closet for donation, raising money, etc., focusing on this effort at least once a week is a game changer. Looking forward to doing more of this in the Fall.
-Keeping a more regular fitness routine. It’s usually the first thing to go when I am tired or busy, but I’ve made a tremendous effort to keep up with lifting weights 3x a week and walking 3+ miles 3x a week. It definitely impacts my mood.
-Houseplants. I know this one sounds silly, but I’ve been purchasing more and more, and I tryly enjoy caring for them and keeping them alive. Plus, it’s great decor and for the air quality in your home.
P.S. I started Calamity Club this week and I’m already sucked in. It’s a busy week for me, so I’m hoping I can find some time to enjoy this book! I also finished Ride or Die on Prime Video, and I really enjoyed it. It was fun, exciting, and had great midlife women characters.
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