The Weight You Agree To

A little bit shorter format this week. As I mention in the episode, and have been mentioning the last couple of weeks, I’ve been working hard to get more calls completed. Tuesdays are normally my day off, but when this goes out in the morning I’ll be doing a hike in honor of a really important person to this podcast, Don.

If you’re new, or haven’t heard me talk about Don before: he was a very early guest of the podcast, before the anonymous format even existed. He’d been diagnosed with ALS which was the reason why we even met in the first place. We stayed friends after we recorded his episode, and I’d go visit him every month or two to chat about life, death, spirituality, religion. All the big things. About three and a half months ago he reached out to say his hospice nurse was only giving him a few more weeks to live. We ended up doing an “Exit Interview” a few days before he passed. (Here’s his first interview and his Exit Interview if you’d like to listen.)

In January, when I was visiting, he told me he wanted me to do his favorite hike for him this summer. He said he wouldn’t be here anymore, but he wanted me to see how beautiful it is. That was the first time that his mortality really hit me. How I didn’t have much more time to spend with him.

It’s strange to say that, given that we met because of an ALS diagnosis. Given how many hours we’d already spent talking about death together. But that moment it all became so clear and so real.

It’s been three months and a few days since he passed, and I’m finally getting the chance to do this. So that’s the long way of explaining why this week’s post is shorter than usual.

NOTE

This week’s episode is a heavy one. The caller and I talk at length about suicide, and about what it’s like to carry that loss for years afterward. If that’s not something you’re able to sit with right now, this is a good week to skip it, no explanation needed.

If you or someone you know is struggling, these are two resources worth having on hand: Thrive Lifeline and Reasons to Stay.

READING

I spent this past week working through a set of shorter books that I had on my list for a bit. Train Dreams, The Housekeeper and the Professor, White Nights and also read this wonderfully devastating book called Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt by Ben Reeves.

Just finished: White Nights by Fyodor Dostoevsky (47)

Currently: East of Eden by John Steinbeck, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche

On deck: The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks, It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine

(And if you are really curious you can always check out what I’ve read recently here)

THIS WEEK’S CALL

Anonymous #44 — What Do You Lose When You Carry Other People’s Pain? (Listen Here)

Episode Type: Living with Loss. For more info about what this means check out the Episode Guide (link)

SMILE

One of the reasons why I decided to include this section each week is because one of the major benefits I’ve found working on this project for the last three years is the fact that contemplating your own mortality naturally leads to a sense of gratitude. Although I’ve put the Saturday Contemplations on hold one of the things that I still consistently do is maintain my meditation practice. And lately, that’s led to some really profound realizations.

That’s kinda hard to share in a photo or anything else so once again I’m going back to Instagram. Here’s a 90-second death meditation from the amazing Alua Arthur.

Have a good life.

— Z

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