night in my life with a 5 week old

7:20 P.M.

I’m settled in the rocking chair with C, my 5-week-old. She is double-swaddled because I’ve learned that she likes that. I’m nursing her while she sleeps and I scroll on my phone. In the next room, I can hear Alex talking to E, our 2-year-old. E’s favorite part of her bedtime routine is “more talking” where she tells her dad about her day. It’s the sweetest and I feel only a little sad that I’m not with her.

7:40 P.M.

After burping C, I lay her down in her Snoo and strap her in before retreating to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I actually put makeup on today to feel more human so now I have to wash that off. When I’m done, I sneak out of our bedroom and close the door as quietly as I can. In the living room, I join Alex and my mother-in-law and we debrief on bedtime.

(Another moment for the Snoo: I am truly evangelical about this thing. You know that trend that just went around that was like ‘5 baby products worth the money’? All 5 of mine would be Snoo. 10/10 recommend. You can even rent it for $159/month!!)

8:05 P.M.

False start – C is already crying. Alex goes in to try to rock her back to sleep even though we both know she’s going to need another single drop of milk from me to really pass out. I appreciate him giving it a go anyway.

8:10 P.M.

Alex texts me that C is hungry and I go take over. She actually eats more than I expected her to. I feed and rock and burp her for about 15 minutes. She is so small in my arms. That’s something I forgot in the 2 years since I’ve had a newborn: just how small they are.

8:30 P.M.

I’m back on the couch with Alex and my mother-in-law. We talk about all the funny things E said and did that day and look at pictures and videos of her from all our phones. This is something I didn’t know about motherhood before it came for me: that it was possible to miss your kid this much just minutes after you put them to sleep (while also praying so hard that they sleep through the night).

9:15 P.M.

I crawl into bed with my Kindle. The Snoo is set up at the foot of our bed and I can hear all C’s little newborn noises. Even when she’s not crying, she’s so noisy. Another thing I forgot: how noisy newborns are. I finish reading The Road to Tender Hearts which I didn’t expect to like as much as I did. It kind of feels like Little Miss Sunshine in a novel.

I’m the kind of person who always has to have a book to read so when I finish that one, I immediately start The Simp. My eyes start to get heavy but I feel that bedtime dread that seems to be unique to the parents of a newborn. I want to sleep but I know I’m going to be awoken so soon that it feels almost silly. At the same time, I feel like it’s imperative that I fall asleep as quickly as possible – and that feeling makes it hard for me to fall asleep. I’ve been really anxious lately, if you can’t tell !!

I read for maybe 20 minutes then put my Kindle under my pillow, where I always keep it, and try to shut my eyes. I count backwards from 1,000 and somewhere before I get to 1, I fall asleep.

12:10 A.M.

I’m woken by C’s cries. I check my phone and see that she slept for three hours and forty minutes which is basically the best I can ask for at 5 weeks old. (If your 5-week-old is sleeping more than this, please don’t tell me.) I get up and change her diaper then rewrap her in her double swaddles and settle into the rocking chair. She nurses and I do everything I can to make myself stay awake which basically translates to scrolling my phone dead-eyed. I live in fear of falling asleep during night feedings, like most postpartum moms with anxiety disorders.

12:30 A.M.

C is back in her Snoo and I’m back in bed. I don’t mind waking up in the night as much as I dread what comes after – trying to fall back asleep. I put my phone and Kindle deliberately away so that I can’t see the time because I know it would make me panic even more if I knew how long it was taking me to fall back asleep. I really tend to anxiety spiral after middle-of-the-night wakings. It’s one of the things I’m so jealous of with Alex – he can literally fall back to sleep in seconds after tending to the kids. I don’t check the time but I think it takes me about an hour. The entire time, all I can think about is how tired I’m going to be tomorrow.

3:15 A.M.

C is crying again. She slept another 2 hours and 45 minutes which again, seems to be about the best I can hope for but I’ve been spoiled by my toddler who sleeps from about 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. every night. I nudge Alex awake and ask him to change C’s diaper, which he does before swaddling her and handing her back to me then falling asleep in – I swear to god – about ten seconds. Usually, he does the first feed of the night so I can get five or six hours of sleep in a row but my mother-in-law is staying with us right now so our extra bedroom is taken and there’s nowhere else for me to sleep but it’s 100% worth it for all the wonderful help and company my MIL provides. I genuinely don’t know another couple who is as lucky with grandparents helping as Alex and I are.

I change, nurse, burp, and rock C. I try to look at my phone to keep myself awake and it works. I text my best friend, who has a 5-month-old the “🤝” emoji which is our way of saying “I’m awake right now and you probably are too.”

3:40 A.M.

C is settled back in her Snoo and I am back in bed. I wonder how long it’s going to take me to fall asleep this time but before I can worry too much, I actually do fall asleep.

6:10 A.M.

C’s sleep stretches always get much shorter toward the morning and she’s already up again. I stumble out of bed to start the nursing, rocking, and burping again. As I’m getting her settled back into bed, I consider getting up for the day but the pull of my bed is too strong. I fall back into bed and nudge Alex to tell him it’s almost time for him to wake up (he’s back at work for now, after taking part of his paternity leave). I tell him to wake me up when either the baby or E is awake and he says he will though I’m pretty sure he also falls back asleep.

7:00 A.M.

C is awake again and Alex grabs her and takes her to his mom. He makes a bottle and C drinks then falls asleep on her grandma. (This is what I’m told later. For now, I’m passed out.)

7:30 A.M.

Alex brings E into our bed. She asks where baby sister is and I say she’s with Farmor (the Norwegian word for paternal grandmother). E climbs into bed with me and we snuggle like the old days. I close my eyes and breathe in her scent. “Wake up, Mom!” she says so I climb out of bed, sling E onto my hip, and start the day.

If you’re interested in more of my postpartum ramblings, you can find them here:

day in my life 10 days postpartum

this is how postpartum is different the second time around

8 things I forgot about you, postpartum

While you’re here, here is the reminder I have to give every single time I write anything because I spent the last 2.5 years pouring my blood sweat and tears into this book – you can get my new book, which has been called a “stomach-wrenching exposé” into mom influencers, family vloggers, and child influencers – Like, Follow, Subscribe: Influencer Kids and the Cost of a Childhood Online – at: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, Bookshop, Hudson Booksellers, Target, Walmart and more.