Jammed Up on Your Own Bullshit

I have a book coming out (which you have probably heard) which means that, once again, I had to do my least favorite thing in the world.

Ask for blurbs.

A “blurb” is the short endorsement you see on the back or front cover of the book. They’re usually from someone important. Because they’re from important people, you’re supposed to see the blurb and say, hey, Mr. Bigshooter likes it, so I probably will, too. There is some discussion in the literary world about doing away with blurbs altogether. This would be a good thing, as I think nobody pays attention to them, anyway. And it’s humiliating asking people for them. Hey, Mr. Coolguy who does all these important things and literally has no time in the day to even take a mind-blowing dump, can you spend EIGHT HOURS reading my book and then come up with the perfect quote about it? In three weeks? I am nobody special, but people ask me for blurbs sometimes, and you can imagine my reaction: groan. I really don’t want to do this (unless it is for a very good friend). At best, I’ll skim the book in about 20 minutes and then come up with some generic bullshit, and it will be obvious to everyone involved that it is generic bullshit. I suggest you spend some time going through Amazon and find a book that has been blurbed by 30-40 very important people. It is pretty obvious that none of them read the book. But a really good blurb really helps. I had some good ones for The Awesome Portfolio, but it was obvious that Ben Hunt really took the time to read and understand the book, and probably gave me the best blurb I ever had, for any of my books. Quick blurb story: I once asked a super-bestselling author to blurb No Worries. He said, well, I’ve been giving so many blurbs that I’m afraid they’re losing their value, so no. And then he went on to blurb about 20 other people’s books. Guess who!

Anyway, the reason I don’t like giving blurbs is because I am jammed up on my own bullshit. As you know, I do a lot of different things, like, a lot of different things, and I don’t typically have a lot of down time. My fund, my music, my newsletter, my teaching, my travel, my cats…and you just asked me for eight hours of my time? The reality is that I should really blurb the book, for precisely the reason that I am going to get absolutely nothing out of it, and I will be doing someone a favor, and I am paying it forward, and maybe the karma will come full circle when I need to ask someone else for something. But boy, I hate doing it, because I am jammed up on my own bullshit, which basically means: I don’t have the space in my heart to help someone else out.

I had a friend who was kind of a spiritual mentor of mine, who made a big deal about being altruistic almost to a fault, the kind of guy who would say “Love you, man” on the phone to another man, who always said, Anytime you need me, for anything, just pick up the phone and call me. Well, as it turned out, about 4-5 years ago I was going through a bit of a crisis, and I actually did need his help with something, so I called him, and…no answer. Called him again, no answer. Texted him, nothing. Well, he did resurface a couple of months later, and gave me the usual litany of excuses, Sorry, my wife, my kids, my job, etc., but by that point, the crisis had passed, and the lesson I learned from that was that he never was there for me in the first place, and he was basically full of crap. That was kind of a turning point in our relationship, and we haven’t spoken in about two years, and it is unlikely that we will again. Now, I don’t think that Mr. X is a bad guy; I think he is an exceptionally good guy, who happened to get jammed up on his own bullshit, as we all do, and didn’t have the space in his heart to help me out, because he was preoccupied with his own problems. One point I would make on this: if you are preoccupied with your own problems, a good way to stop thinking about your problems is to listen to someone else’s problems.

I don’t consider myself to be a very altruistic person (at all), and I’m sure people who know me well would confirm that. In fact, I’m probably one of the more self-absorbed people you will meet. I am focused on my job, my newsletter, my music, my teaching, my cats, and I structure my life in such a way that I really don’t have time for anyone or anything else. I would like to think I am the sort of person to drop everything and spend two hours on the phone or five hours in the car to help someone in need. Maybe not! That thesis has never been tested. I did have a friend once who was suicidal. He lived in New Jersey. I called up his girlfriend and told her he needed to be checked into the hospital right now. She did not follow instructions. She took him to a psychiatrist, who talked with him for a bit, gave him a clean bill of health and sent him home, and a few days later he was dead. Sometimes I replay that one in my head. Should I have driven all the way up to New Jersey, hauled him out of bed and dragged him to the local psychiatric ward, where he would spend the next 72 hours looking for his shoelaces, and then be back out on the street? Would it have accomplished anything? Probably not—once someone has made up their mind to kill themselves, there is usually no stopping them. But yes, after having lived through that, today I would make that trip. Why didn’t I? Well, I was a little jammed up on my own bullshit, because I had just started a daily talk radio show. I’m such an asshole.

We all basically spend about 99% of the time thinking about ourselves. Maybe 99.9%. If we could go from thinking about ourselves 99% of the time, to 98% of the time, we would double the amount of time we spend thinking about other people, which would be a very good thing. Yes, we spend 99% of the time thinking about ourselves. Ever been sitting on the couch, and think to yourself, gee, I wonder how so-and-so is doing? I haven’t talked to him in a while. A good thing to do at that moment would be to…call him! And see how he is doing. A good time to do this is when you’re taking a long drive. Like, you have something else better to do in the car? Just start making phone calls and check up on people. Maybe they won’t pick up, because they are also jammed up on their own bullshit. There is a former intern of mine I haven’t talked to in a few years, and I’d really like to catch up with her, but she just had a baby a few months ago and is jammed up on baby bullshit. Speaking of which! People with kids tend to be the most jammed up on their bullshit than anyone. Ever had a friend that had a kid or two, and you never heard from them…again? I tend to think that is pretty crappy. I get it that raising kids is a full-time job, but if you’re so consumed by it that you don’t even have time to talk to friends or family, then you are simply doing it wrong. Change my mind. Now, I don’t have kids, so I don’t understand what having kids is like, though I have a pretty good guess: mewling, puking, screaming, your house turns into Fort Apache, breaking shit—sounds great! Pick up the phone. And if you can’t pick up the phone, make the call when you are in the car, because you have nothing else to do in the car. Habits of Highly Effective People by Jared Dillian.

Call it karma, or call it something else. You want to give people the gift of time, because you would want them to give you the gift of time. Zeus’ Law. The Golden Rule. Whatever you want to call it. And obviously, it’s not just about picking up the phone. You are invited to a wedding. Groan. You are going to pack your shit, get on a plane, sit on the plane, check into a hotel, spend $1500, put on a suit, and sit in the church, and say 20 words to your pal at the reception, and go home. It is about showing up for other people. Now, you have probably heard the saying that weddings are optional and funerals are mandatory, and I generally believe that to be true, but then again, I missed a funeral a few years ago (because I had a trip planned) and I don’t feel great about that, either. Weddings, bar mitzvahs, birthday parties, and maybe your DJ buddy is playing somewhere—get on the plane and put on the suit because you would want them to do it for you. But again, we are all jammed up on our own bullshit.

As you know, I am very honest in these newsletters, and it is very easy for me to preach, and not so easy to put into practice. If a friend of mine really needed me for something, would I be there? I hope I would be. But I don’t know. Probably not, if it conflicts with a DJ gig. Just being honest! But in all other circumstances, yes. I hope.

P.S. If you want to sign up for my music mailing list, where I send out my upcoming gigs and links to new DJ mixes, please go to my website, scroll all the way down, and sign up for the newsletter. I won’t spam you—I send out something about every two weeks or so, on average. Thanks!