Satan Sold Out to Private Equity

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Satan Sold Out to Private Equity

Spoke to my demon
ready to capitulate,
offered up my soul.
Desperate for cash,
and a soul in disrepair
my ask was meager.
In between vape hits
my demon cackled, “We don’t
do that anymore.”
Satan had bundled
Hell and all the rights to souls
past, present, future.
Once securitized,
sold to private equity
for a tidy sum.
Now, all Hell’s demons
work temptations for love of
their demonic craft.
My demon showed me
Hell’s new soul marketplace app:
powered by AI.
I created an account
and priced my eternal soul.
I got zero bids.
But I did receive
an offer for a brand deal
that paid me per view.
This poem brought to you
by Satan’s Fire Enema:
Helluva Detox.