Welcome to Washed Weekly — a weekly newsletter that will feature original columns, quick reads, exclusive product drops, and an offering of some of the best content we’ve created throughout the week that was. Read it, enjoy it, and pass it on to anyone you think will enjoy it, too. You can also check out the Washed network of podcasts.
Another 7 days in the rearview, folks. Big weekend of triple digit temps and golf on the way which means it’s time for everyone’s favorite semi-recurring column from Washed’s very own biz dev guy - me.
What’s In My Head, of course, refers to my current palette of swing thoughts as I stand over the ball in a usually-futile attempt to get down in 4.
There’s been a lot to like over the last 2+ year swing journey but I’ve been on a bit of a golf hiatus as of late, preferring to galavant through Europe over honing my craft. I’ll always be somewhat over-the-top and chasing lag (not an option to shorten things up, don’t even go there). I’ve accepted that, but there are a few things here and there I think can get us in a more consistent spot to score.
Here’s where we’re at process-wise:
Just a smidge stronger on the grip. 2.5 knuckles on the left hand instead of 2. Yup, a bit of forward shaft lean. Great.
Setup? Dialed.
Hover the club just before takeaway. I’m not sure if there’s anything effective with this trigger outside of psychological but it’s been working so it stays in the bag this week.
That El Niño situation is getting pretty gnarly, eh? Like models starting to spit out 5+ degree water temp anomalies in the eastern Pacific doesn’t scream great things for an extremely delicate marine ecosystem.
I lost exactly one button from my tux in Europe. Someone decided that swimming in the Adriatic post-wedding would be fun and I was in no position to disagree. That being said, you ever try to un-do an entire tux getup in the dark on the rockiest shore in Dubrovnik? It’s a miracle I walked away with my cummerbund and Krewes intact.
Shrug the right shoulder to the ear as a backswing trigger. This keeps the shoulders on a better plane and encourages proper tilt.
I’m on a pretty good from-scratch enchilada kick. Homemade everything (except for the tortillas). Chicken has been the obvious go-to but don’t sleep on ground pork. My sauce recipe is 100% eye-balled and goes as follows: tomato paste, white vinegar, hot sauce, cumin, garlic powder, butter, salt, pep, chili powder, worcestershire sauce, ketchup, water, and bang. Excellent.
Not sure there are any A+ Halloween costumes on the horizon this year? Do we have a pop culture moment that is taking the world by storm that’ll be incorporated widely?
Halloween approaching (3-ish months) means cold weather approaching which means I lose my shit in September when it’s a crispy 55 back home and still 103 in Austin. I can’t stand it.
Scoop a cup of water to the sky with your left hand. Rolling your wrists sends you into a tailspin, i.e. unrecoverable over-the-top situation. You’re athletic enough to figure it out more often than not but, fuck, are you inconsistent.
Squeeze them forearms together in the backswing. Like you’re holding a ball between your elbows.
Remember those balls in gym class you used for dodgeball? LizardSkin™️ maybe? The velocity you could generate with those was genuinely hazardous with the perfect combo of ball size to shell hardness. I grew up in a generation too young for the old school rubber dodgeballs you see in the movie(s). They were demoted to the lowly sport of kickball for “safety reasons”.
We played a game of dodgeball, I forget the name at this point, so unfit for school I’d be shocked if parents still allow anything near as aggressive. We’d set up shop in our fully padded (floors and walls) 75’ x 25’ wrestling gym. 50 or so boys and girls packed in, probably 20 hard-shelled dodgeballs. Free-for-all. Nowhere to hide. Just absolutely point blank head shots, gut shots, you name it. A lot of tears.
Top Gun 3 rumor? I wish my dad was alive to see Top Gun 2. He loved the original and we watched it together dozens of times. My grandma wasn’t a huge fan of the new cast (seems to be happening more and more as of late) but she liked GP’s performance.
I’ve switched from Tums to Pepcid. First out of convenience - what neighborhood market doesn’t sell Tums? Looking at you, Marigold. But man do those things do the trick. I believe there’s a lawsuit/risk associated with the new brand but I’m far too comfortable with where I’m at to look into it. Plus, I got a relatively clean bill of health from Doc on Tuesday. Shouts to skipping two meals a day.
Stop. At. The. Top. Think one Mississippi.
M. I. Crooked letter crooked letter I. Crooked letter crooked letter I. Humpback humpback I. Til I die.
I like how the Rebs look heading into this season. o8.5 wins feels like a steal, no? I’m glad Trinidad got another year and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. See you in Oxford, Lane. Book a vinyasa class.
You don’t need 100% throttle coming down. Hands go first. Slot it. Skip the rock with your right hand.
On second thought, I think it was called free-for-all dodgeball. Makes sense.
My buddy’s wedding in Croatia featured a live sax player. I’ve never been more convinced that when I get married (whenever that may be) I need a live sax player. He ripped a 10-minute Jubel as he led the wedding party from the cocktail hour to the reception. Class.
I had the best bite of food of my life in Lisbon. Not meal, not dish, not atmosphere. Just one bite. Stop. I’m not gonna say it. I’m sure his book is great. Braised short rib croquette with a truffle aioli. I could’ve had 30 but I think limiting my indulgence was smart. I left wanting more.
TILT. CLEAR THE LEFT HIP. ROTATE.
Coming up on back-to-back golf trips. One in Frisco and one at Big Cedar in Missouri. I’m excited, sure, but I need to convince my friends to plan golf trips in the winter. Gold Bond locked n’ loaded.
If I were to make my passed hors d’oeuvres (Randy, that’s pronounced like “or-dervs”) menu for my extremely hypothetical and increasingly unlikely wedding cocktail hour it would go something like this:
Buffalo chicken egg rolls
Charcuterie mountain (at least 3 feet tall)
Braised short rib croquettes with truffle aioli flown in from Lisbon
Watermelon & feta bites with a balsamic glaze
Assorted canapés
Spicy tuna crispy/sticky rice
Crab cakes (duh)
Went to buy a football the other day. $150 for anything legit. Are you kidding me? I think this opens up a larger conversation about rec/youth sports worth having.
Keep your right foot on the ground through contact if you can. Even if it’s just mentally doing so. Sit down in the chair. Don’t hump the ball.
You really thought I was gonna leave the canapés up for interpretation? Absolutely not:
Traditional bruschetta vibe. Tomatoes, balsamic, garlic, basil
Boursin cheese and sauteed mushrooms
Smoked salmon and capers
Prosciutto & fig on herbed goat cheese
Bacon jam on something. TBD.
Pork belly with pickled daikon and a sesame ginger glaze
I have 3 more weddings this year which will bring my all time total to 55. I’ve ran out of suit combinations entirely, my credit card sent me the Popeye’s worker meme, and I look forward to the day I hang up the cleats for good. Let someone else kick their heels up and get a little bit louder now.
Finish hands high and left. Flipping the club is one of your biggest problems.
My doctor told me I can just schedule a video call to refill a prescription and can do those in a few days. Would’ve liked to have known that before I waited 5 months for an in-person.
I wouldn’t dare actually pick the cocktail hour menu for my wedding. That’s 100% up to my future wife. I will, however, be an active listener, provide genuine input and constructive criticism, and make fun of any horrible gastronomic decisions. We’re a team.
Given the above, maybe I need a different script.
Swing your swing. Even Phil makes bad decisions on the golf course.
It’s Sunday evening. Your girlfriend is over and you two enjoyed a big dinner together. Cast iron ribeye with a twice baked potato and roasted broccolini. You’re looking forward to a night of television and doing anything other than thinking about all the shit you have to do the next day.
You take a cocktail glass out of the cabinet. The nice one. Crystal with deep, vintage etching. You fill it halfway with chilled, filtered water. You drop exactly one full dropper of Earlybird Drops in. Then you finish it off with a gratuitous squeeze of a perfectly ripe lemon.
You drink it down as you slowly melt into the couch. The microdose of THC is doing exactly what it’s meant to do and everything is right in the world. Relaxation. A subtle high. No stress. The perfect Sunday night.
Drops is a hemp-derived, water soluble tincture formulated with a Feel Good balance of THC and CBD. Each serving of Drops (1ml) contains ~2.5mg of THC and ~12.5mg of CBD.
Drops are water soluble, meaning they can seamlessly be mixed with any beverage
Drops contain ZERO Calories and ZERO Sugar
The “Dropper” format allows you to “fine-tune” the right dose for the right moment.
Earlybird Drops are unflavored and have a tart and earthy taste - just like the plant they are made from
If gummies are more your thing, Earlybird of course still offers the best THC/CBD gummies on the market.
Right now at EarlybirdCBD.com, you can purchase the Drops, or the gummies for that matter, for 20% OFF your order with Code “WASHED.” This is a single use code so load up your cart.
Meet Isaac 1, an $8,000 home robot by Weave Robotics. Isaac lives in your home and does basic household chores while you’re away at work. He’s a cute little fella, if you ask me. Perhaps a tinge creepy, but lowkey adorable. I can’t speak to how well he completes the tasks you assign him since I’ve never used an Isaac before. He looks rather handy, though.
See for yourself:
According to this video, he works pretty slowly and doesn’t do anything super advanced like make spaghetti for the family or hang drywall, but I suppose as long as he gets his shit done before you return home, he can take all the time he needs to fold the laundry and put things away.
I’d hate to discipline Isaac if he fails to complete a task and I come home in a bad mood after a long day of work, but I absolutely will. I’d spank his bare robot bottom in front of everyone. I’d send him back his little docking station with a red backside and a heap of shame. There, he’d rest and recharge before his next shift with plenty of time to think about the ways in which he let me down.
I guess I made a harmless little joke about Isaac getting stuck in the washing machine when I should have been watching the World Cup and some people got all bent out of shape. Whatever. I don’t mean to sexualize him. I don’t even think he’s programmed that way, to be fair.
Ignoring the clear reality that Isaac isn’t equipped to climb stairs and thus is sequestered to the bottom floor of your home, I could find some use for this cat.
Carry my shit in from the car
Can Isaac go outside? Is he allowed to? I could get him a little hat to keep the sun off his little robot head if need be. I could even let him borrow my car caddie to use when the items are abundant. It’s such a hassle, man. Wipe those wheels, pimp.
Mow my lawn in the summer heat
Everyone knows I wilt in this Texas summer heat. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. Isaac better stop his bitching and get his ass outside to give my grass a fresh cut. Aww is it too hot out there? Is it gonna fry yuh wittle circuits? I don’t want to hear it, dawg. I put my time in. Now it’s your turn. Throw on a lightweight Poncho hoodie and get your ass outside. I want those lines tight, player.
Security Detail
I keep a Glock in the closet in case shit pops off. I don’t trust Isaac to use my toolie, though. Not until he proves to me he can be responsible with it. I’m thinking I’ll toss him Parks’ old baseball bat and ask him to give me a few practice swings with that thing to see what’s what. Isaac, you’re now my first line of defense if an intruder comes through that door. Take his head off, son.
Take Stella on walks
I just don’t always have time but she deserves and loves her daily walks. It’ll take Stella some getting used to, for sure, so maybe I’ll join them the first few times so she gets used to him. Better pick up her shit, Isaac. Feel free to toss it in the nearest neighbor’s trashcan.
Hop on the sticks
My son has MLB The Show on PS5 and we play sometimes. I win about half the time because Parks is decent. But I don’t want to win half the time. I want to win all the time. I just get the feeling that Isaac would absolutely SUCK at video games. He’s got those claw hands and those aren’t great for those advanced controllers. I’m absolutely painting the outside corner all day on his ass. No chance he’s touching my shit.
Change my oil
Oil changes have gotten so expensive. Get your hands dirty and save me $125, dude. Pay for yourself over time. I don’t want to hear any bullshit about it.
Sexually satisfy my wife when I’m too tired
Figure it out, Isaac.
by Randy Trembacki
An excerpt from The Daily Deposition (Citropolis’s #1 Most Trusted Factual Newspaper)
It’s never a dull day in Citropolis as you know, dear reader. At any moment, common thugs can rob a bank with stolen new-age military weapon tech, a giant monster from unknown origins can ravage the city, or even City Hall can pass a new bullshit increase on parking meters! We truly never know what each new day holds for us common citizens. Something we have seen in the past are unlikely truces between our revered superheroes and villains, but would you believe they would team up to fight an even greater foe than ever before? GENTRIFICATION!
In the past years, a new reimaginative effort has been made in the old industrial neighborhoods of Citroplois. Investors have bought what was once thought to be worthless property and started to renovate and build. The old condemned power-plant, where famed superhero Elect-Ron negligently acquired his super powers, has now been repurposed as a “luxury mixed-used co-working facility.” Many historic abandoned buildings have been torn down and new apartment and condominium buildings have arisen upon their graves.
I actually visited the new shopping district where the old junkyard used to reside. The use of old cars as decoration gave off a rustic vibe that was actually quite lovely…But no matter how “improved” the old dingy neighborhood may appear to be now, accidental danger lurks around the corner! You may be thinking to yourself that cleaning up the crime filled eye-sore of the old industrial district may be a good thing, right? WRONG!
Recently, downtown and populated residential areas have seen an increase in organized crime dealings. Many believe this to be a direct result of the new developments in the old industrial district.
Police Commissioner Garland had this to say on the matter: “We knew that area was a hotbed for crime. But it was contained! Four guys walk into a building, only three come out. What are you gonna do? Everywhere you looked it was either a junky shooting up or some sort of mysterious puddle of goo. But as long as that stuff stayed there, we didn’t need to worry. But now that stuff doesn’t have a place to stay!”
In the past months, reports of everyday citizens getting caught in the crossfire between criminals and law enforcement has nearly quintupled. Many of these altercations have occurred due to henchmen of the various crime families being raided in now more populous areas. As more abandoned warehouses in the old industrial district continue to be purchased to launch new micro-breweries, criminals have been pushed out and have to find new places to store their contraband.
“I gots a big shipment coming in tonight and I gots nowhere to put it. Our old warehouse is now some beer making joint. All our local meat lockers and auto body shops are at capacity! They’s were never meant to hold this much product,” commented crime-lieutenant of the Balboni family.
“Look, we might be bad, but we’re not evil. We don’t want to hurt the everyday person. They’re our best consumers, and if anything, we need them paying the price FOR our business, not BECAUSE of it,” mentioned his more well-spoken underling.
The lieutenant chimed back in, “The other day I pull up to our old spot and there’s some goddamned kid’s birthday party goin’ on. I got about four dozen AKs in the back of my van, and I got some snot-nosed kid in a soccer uniform and shin guards running up to me asking where the bathroom is. It’s like ‘HEY KID! You really think I know where the fuggin’ bathroom is? I’m clearly lost as fuck myself!’ Little turd.”
The head of another crime family, who did not want to be named, reminisced on simpler times in the city before the uptick of new breweries, “20 years ago we didn’t have this problem. Maybe you stumble upon an underground rave here and there, but you’d just wait a couple hours and let them clear out. Hell, depending on the product you were storing you could get an early start on sales right there! But now it’s all different.”
He continued, commenting on the equipment required to produce the new beer, “Back in my day, you saw a warehouse with big vats, it was acid. No doubt about it. Flesh eating, body disposing acid! But now it’s all hops and barely? Forgetaboutit.” He said that last part with a rude hand jerking gesture.
When asked if he had tried any of the new local brews, he had this to say: “I mean I like beer as much as the next guy, but what’s even with these triple hazy kumquat microfiltered delux IPA stuff they’re making. Just give me a lager and a stogie and leave me be!”
But it’s not only the city’s police force and local criminals that have their concerns. In an unprecedented cross-crime effort, heads of crime families and heroes are banding together to stop these developments. The unlikely super pact is calling for city officials to stop the unchecked gentrification of the old industrial district and warn if nothing is done the general public will be the real losers in this fight.
A local vigilante, Bearman, added more context to the dire situation: “Usually when these goons and I have a shootout, we are in a remote area away from the general public. If there happens to be an explosion or rogue bullet, it’s in a safe, contained space. Doing it this way results in very little collateral damage. With the renovations in the industrial district, these guys need to store their black market goods in more populated areas and innocent lives are going to get caught in the line of fire!”
More heroes weighed in on the odd union. “We have a mutual understanding. We want to keep civilians away from these sorts of late night dealings as much as we can. They don’t want little Johnny caught up in this anymore than I do. At the end of the day a lot of these guys are just criminals, not villains,” said the middle-American speedster, Ron the Runner.
The mayor and city officials show no signs of slowing down expansion of the new “Industrial Oasis” project. Some have their worries on how far this new growth will reach.
The Head of the Shadow Gang expressed her concern on the matter: “What’s next? God forbid the south docks become some sorta new seaside restaurant district mumbo jumbo. Like, where would we import our contraband?!?”
This alliance of protectors and predators has shown a bright light on the issue to the general public. As I write this article, many are beginning to organize for a protest this weekend. Top heroes and crime bosses are scheduled to speak to the crowd on the steps of City Hall.
Will this be the dawn of a new day in Citropolis, where criminals and crime-fighters start to see eye-to-eye and build a better tomorrow together? Will the old industrial district be restored back to its former crime ridden glory?!? Only time will tell.
How you can support Washed Media:
Shop the Washed Media store
Subscribe to podcasts in the Washed Media network
Subscribe to our Patreon episodes via Spotify
Follow Washed on Instagram
Or, just subscribe here:
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.