Natalie Harp Needs Intervention!

Dear Natalie,

I am writing to you as a concerned mother. Though we’re on opposite poles of the political spectrum and we have little in common that I can discern, you’re bringing out my maternal side.

Let me get to the point: Girl, you’re a mess, and you’ve got to pull yourself together.

I don’t have to tell you that you’ve been the butt of jokes lately, and, I’m afraid, you earned it. (BTW, thanks for the comic relief. This nation needs it.)

We thought you were just another leggy blonde in the entourage until it came out that you were one of the few chosen to be secretly ferried off Air Force One in Turkey amid missile attack threat by the Iranians. Meanwhile, Marco Rubio, Scott Bessent, and a bevy of journalists were left on Air Force One as unwitting decoys.

You must have felt pretty special.

But that special treatment is why you’re now in hot water. I’m sure you were mortified when you heard Jon Ossoff say, “[Trump] doesn’t want to do the job. He wants to build his ballroom and travel with Natalie.”

So unfair to a hard-working woman like you!

It was a cheap shot, but my ears perked up. What really got tongues wagging, though, were your two emails to the president from 2023 that the Daily Beast published. As soon as I read them, I said to myself: you need immediate intervention!

First, it’s apparent you have daddy issues. Your need for Trump’s approval borders on desperation: “And please, when I fail, will you tell me? You have the absolute right to cuss me out, if need be, when I deserve it, because no one knows or cares about me more.” You also called the president “my Guardian and Protector in this life.”

(And speaking of daddy’s favorite, am I wrong that you seem to be modeling yourself after Ivanka? I’ve detected an upgrade to your hairstyle and wardrobe. And when your hair is pulled back, you look strikingly like an off-brand Ivanka. A+ for effort!)

Underlying the worshipful tone of your emails, I detect a cry for help. A running theme in both notes is that you often forget to eat and sleep. I don’t know if that’s a ploy to get the president to pay more attention to you (picture the two of you sharing Big Macs over candlelight) but I think you’ve got to take care of yourself.

I also sense that you’re incredibly insecure, and I wonder if working for Trump is making that worse. You seem to be a self-flagellator, blaming yourself for everything. You apologized to the president for bothering him about your passport, embarrassing him when you chased after his golf cart by foot in Scotland (apparently, there are funny videos of you sprinting to keep up), and more (“anything else I have done that might have caused you trouble).”

Enough with the apologies! I realize you don’t feel you deserve Our Dear Leader’s munificence (you actually wrote, “it is I who is unworthy,” as if Trump would get the allusion to Pride and Prejudice) but do you have to apologize for merely breathing? Isn’t it tiresome?

And why are you calling yourself the “human printer,” a derisive term coined by your detractors to describe how you follow Trump around with a portable printer. Have you no pride?

Alas, love has no pride, as the great Bonnie Raitt sings.

Which brings me to the obvious question: what exactly are you hoping to get out of all this?

I didn’t find your emails to Trump at all carnal (though the nature of your relationship might have evolved); rather, you came off as a clueless romantic. “We could be out on the Course, with no machines, and even forget what time it was!” you wrote wistfully. At another point, you tell the president, “you’re all that matters to me.”

You clearly love, adore, and revere Trump – and he knows it. According to the New York Times, he boasts that you’re the only person who “loves him as much“ as his wife and children, though I’d wager you love him far more.

But let’s get back to you. You’re 35, and he’s 80. Do you really want to be wiping drool for the next decade or so? Besides, I don’t know if Donald will want to pony up the cash to buy out Melania and make you Mrs. Donald J. Trump No. 4.

Finally, you’re not getting any younger. In your neck of the woods, you’re practically a has-been. According to the MAGA ethos, women your age should be married, with at least three children that they’re busy homeschooling. Did you not get JD’s memo that women like you who work, work, work are destined to be pathetic cat ladies?

Natalie, honey, I think you’ve got to watch out for numero uno - you. Life is passing you by, and you deserve a happy MAGA life. May I suggest that you sign up with a conservative dating site, like The Right Stuff, a favorite among those who believe the 2020 election was stolen? Perhaps Stephen Miller or Pete Hegseth can offer guidance.

You get the idea.

Always, be best,

Vivia