Talk to them, but not while they're busy

The standard advice is to talk to your toddler more. Narrate the day, label everything, keep up a running commentary- because words in means words out. It’s well-meant, it’s mostly right, and it’s vague in a way that makes it hard to follow and easy to feel guilty about.

But there’s a second finding that sits awkwardly next to the first, and once you’ve seen it you can’t unsee it. Talking to a child while they’re exploring something can make them explore less. Not because it’s bad to speak, but because a child who’s been told what a thing is for tends to stop hunting for what else it might be.

Talking to them builds their language. Their imagination grows in the gaps when you don’t. Both are true at once, which sounds like a trap until you realise the two things want different moments, not different amounts.

This letter is about how to tell which moment you’re in.