On Post-Graduate Life So Far

So, I got a little busy over the last… 10 months. Which is kind of hilarious because, of course, I told myself I was going to make monthly Substack posts. Then again, I had no idea what finishing my final semester of graduate school was going to be like. So, hey! Whatever! Nothing is real and I am making things up as I go!

That being said, as of last month, I have my degree and I’m officially a “post-graduate.” It still feels weird to say that, as if I have learned all I need to and now it’s time to put it all into action. Instead, I’m still educating myself on my own time and feeling a tad bit of imposter-syndrome. To try and deter these feelings, I have been going to writing groups at local coffee shops and sharing my words online and submitting to literary magazines and fellowships and so on. But it’s also… a lot. It’s like I’m in Burnout Lite™. I already miss being a student with more discipline. I’m exhausted and feel stagnant, while also buzzing to take on more creative endeavors and I’m trying to stay optimistic.

This post, in particular, is meant to act as some kind of accountability for myself, to finally have another post on this Substack now that I’m posting the link to it in my writer bios and such. I’m also relieving myself of the pressure to stop looking at every single creative thing I do as: The Next Big Thing That Needs To Be More, Or Else I’ve Failed.

But, why stress? Why does it need to be “more” and what does that even mean? Is it a worry about being cringey or not having enough readers? I keep thinking about this ABC News interview with Ocean Vuong I’ve been seeing everywhere, how he says that students today, behind the cynical masks they hold, are “deeply hungry for sincere, earnest effort.” So, this is me, trying to let myself not get embarrassed and instead… relax. Ramble online for a while. Be honest and open and just create. I want to connect with other writers and have fun reading their newsletters and looking at the pictures of their cats on my feed. And sometimes, I’ll have some folks read my little posts here and there too.

Anyways, here’s a list of lists <3 Maybe these will be upcoming posts, or maybe they won’t be and these things will just be released into the internet void. Guess we’ll have to wait and see!

Books I Have Read (and am currently reading) Since Graduating:

• So Gay For You by Leisha Hailey & Kate Moennig

• Water by Rumi, translated by Halek Liza Gafori

• Late to the Search Party by Steven Espada Dawson

• Super Gay Poems, edited by Stephanie Burt

• Love is for All of Us, edited by James Crews & Brad Peacock

• Lucky Day by Chuck Tingle

• Eat the Ones You Love by Sarah Maria Griffin

• Triple Sec by T.J. Alexander

• Black Flame by Gretchen Felker-Martin

• Hot Girls with Balls by Benedict Nguyen

• The Dry Season by Melissa Febos

Daily Characters at my Bookstore that make me think of “A Supermarket in California” by Ginsberg

• Tender queers who always happen to wander through poetry

• Femmes trailing their fingers down the spines of romance novels, then turn to caress the fantasy covers behind him

• Couples on dates, meandering up and down the stairs

• Older folk who always throw their credit card across the counter, despite the reader being right in front of them

• Witchy folk in lace shawls and boots and punk shirts looking for spells and guidance

• Dads rooted to the History section

• Authors with boisterous laughter and tearful eyes

• Trans folk with knowing smiles as if to say “hello, same hat”

• Urgent shoppers who give a heavy sigh of relief as we wrap their books into gifts

• So. Many. Dogs.

Music I Listen to for Writing & Focus:

• Dianna Lopez and her healing guitar frequencies

• Sonic the Hedgehog Lofi

• Any Monterey Bay Aquarium Live Cams with music I can find

• Lofi Girl & Synth Wave Boy

• Squirrel of Possibility Radio

• My “Writing Spooks” playlist made of just horror movie soundtracks

Some Sparks of Joy:

• The way one of my cats stays in the office with me when I write, how she sits and looks out the window and basks in the summer sun, slow-blinking and sometimes nodding off until a bird flies past and she becomes a chatterbox.

• My boyfriend’s snores when he inevitably falls asleep while we watch TV before bed

• The smiles on my friends faces as we hop onto video chats or open each other’s front doors to have movie nights or chit chat time or to just briefly stop by

• My newest baby niece, and watching her little eyes explore the world

• Hugs, so many near and dear hugs

• Writing letters and filling them with ephemera

• Sitting at a large empty table in a coffee shop, only to have it fill with delightful strangers

• Writing on rainy days, then trying to read, and eventually turns into video games

• Spending time with striped cows

• A miniature of my Nana’s home in Mexico, with little cacti and a menorah and a chair and a mug with her name on it beside a picture of her and her sister

• Knowing that I’m going to watch Shin Godzilla soon (finally!)

• Meeting a corpse flower named Homo Erectus <3

WIP I Have Dabbled With Since Graduating:

• Ghosting: a Novel

• Haunting: a Memoir

• The Reader Gaze: a Lecture

• The Flytrap

• Anglerfish (as a song?!)

• Amorphophallus

• Untitled Polyam Romance Novel

• [six months] (a poem?)

• Flagging (another poem??)

• Puff, Puff, Pass (a third poem???)

It’s nice to look at these lists as reminders that I have still been productive and social, despite all of this stress and anxiety I can never seem to shake. I am so lucky to have gone to VCFA, and with graduating has come such a flurry of complex emotions—grief, joy, fear, pride, etc. I can only tell myself that I need to do try my best, nurture my relationships, drink good coffee, keep writing, and remind myself that I will feel better soon. After all, it’s almost my favorite season of the year! 🎃

If you have been reading this, thank you. I need to not worry about having “enough” readers, but it still means a lot to me when folks check out what I’m getting up to. Ultimately, I just want to write. I’m still trying to figure out what I want from this Substack, sure, but I’ll take the Tumblr-inspired route and tell myself it’s okay if I get a bit random. No matter what, these posts will always be as feral as my weird little stories, and that’s what matters most to me.

Here’s to being feral, and cringe, and free with my fancy new MFA Degree!

Cheers,

Vern <3

p.s. here are those striped cows