In a time when everyone — at least on Substack — is obsessed with being “offline,” I, a self-diagnosed, chronically online girl, have a few simple questions: Why is it so hard for you to be offline when you step into a movie theater? Why can’t you pause your role as the main character for two hours and just appreciate someone else performing for you? Why can’t you simply sit down, shut up, and behave?
Okay, deep breath. If my sudden outburst startled you, let’s take a breath and touch grass together. I’m (probably) not talking about you, though you might relate to this more than you care to admit. Let’s walk through cinema etiquette together, share some stories, and figure this out.
I’ll start.
Allow me to set the scene. It’s 2026, Germany. The theater lobby is a buzzing hive. Different ages, backgrounds, incomes — everyone is back. Can you believe it? It’s as if the pandemic and the streaming wars were just a bad dream, and we’re back to what we’ve been doing for over a century: admiring the magic of the big screen that lightens up our imagination. A massive shout-out to Cineville for keeping arthouse cinema shining across Europe (and making me extra proud that the idea was born in the Netherlands).
The atmosphere inside the theater lobby is electric. It’s loud, it’s chatty, and people are queuing for popcorn and soda like they’ve been stranded in a desert all day. I love that lobby buzz. But the second the doors close and lights go down? That love affair ends.
Everyone has become so “chill” about going to the movies again that Netflix is nervously scrolling through its contacts trying to find someone to chill with. It seems nobody wants to watch movies at home anymore.
And yet… I sometimes wish certain people would stay home on their couches.
Mainly because I have a strong feeling a lot of moviegoers fundamentally misunderstood the meaning of the word “chill” during the lockdown years and the years after.
I’m trying not to judge; the first time I was asked to “Netflix and chill,” I misunderstood it, too. As a cinephile, I felt insulted. So, I offended the offender and suggested we watch Michael Haneke’s Funny Games. A great choice to ensure that guy would never feel “chill” around me again.
You’re right, I am not a chill person. I admit it. And I am an extra not-chill person at the movies.
Once the lights dim, I don’t talk, and I don’t want to hear anyone else talk. And yes, I see the irony after romanticizing the popcorn queue five minutes ago, but inside the dark hall? Loud crinkling of popcorn bags turns from lobby nostalgia into rhythmic torture. The glow of a smartwatch (even just its ambient screen reflection) can be pure agony.
For me? The cinema is a rare sanctuary where my attention is fully committed to one thing: the film. I turn on flight mode on my phone. I go ghost. I am nowhere to be found, and I am not rushing. I am quiet. It’s my chance to live analog again, away from phone notifications, calls, and endless doomscrolling. I am not chill, but I am at peace. I am in the moment.
How many of those pure offline moments do we even have left?
Not many. We are addicted to being connected, addicted to social media. Substack is social media, too. Even if we like to dress it up as something more intellectual. The reality is, if I don’t Restack this piece in my Notes, I’m shouting into a void. So I will restack it again and again. If you found me through Notes, thank you for being here. I appreciate you. My non-strategic social media strategy actually worked.
Now, back to the flight-mode cinema experience that usually lets me fly away.
Unless…
Unless it’s a rejected takeoff. Instead of getting off the ground, I am getting angry right on the tarmac. And anger is the absolute wrong fuel for an airplane engine. It only takes one button to push me over the edge.
Somehow, people seem to have forgotten how to behave as soon as the lights go dark. Or maybe they never learned? These days, audiences talk loudly, commentate like they’re hosting a live stream, cringe at anything, and check their smartwatches and phones, blinding everyone around them with a digital halo that is light-years away from indicating any holiness. Some even put their feet up on the headrest and treat the theater like their personal living room. Not long ago, I think I was watching Devil Wears Prada 2, someone’s sneakers actually entered my peripheral vision, hovering inches from my cheek like a jump scare in a film edited to give you the ultimate ick.
Did we forget that a cinema chair isn’t your couch at home? Though, to be honest, would you really throw popcorn all over your own floor at home? If the answer is yes, I am genuinely judging you right now.
Granted, I am not the Cinema Police coming to arrest anyone who does it. Out of experience, whenever I do say something, I end up feeling like a Jehovah’s Witness knocking on a door to explain the gospel of silence to someone who already believes they are on the level of Saint Francis of Assisi.
So, I stopped intervening. Instead, I started holding the rage in, grinding my teeth so hard I could burst into tears from pain and run back to paying for Netflix. And on the rare occasion when I do politely say something after the credits roll, I’m met with: “Well, why didn’t you say something during the movie?”
Gaslighting is, in fact, the ultimate fuel to set my anger on fire. And having an engine fire mid-flight is not exactly a great condition for a constructive conversation.
So, let’s have a conversation here instead. What do we do? How do we bring basic human etiquette back to the movies? Does anyone have a real answer? Or a story to share? Because I’m running out of ideas.
It’s been some time since those shoes hovered right next to my face, and I am still vibrating with rage. That screening made my anger the main character. Sadly, there is no “flight mode” toggle for my emotions. The absence of cinema etiquette is killing me.
So, the anger made its way here — to my Substack.
Thank you for hearing me out. You clocked in while I clocked out.
Photo credit: Library of Congress / Cinema Posters from the year 1912.
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