How to make a work BFF

If you follow workplace research, you’ve probably heard about the Gallup employee engagement survey, and its “best friend” question. In its surveys, Gallup has found that having a work best friend is strongly correlated with engagement. In an article by Alok Patel and Stephanie Plowman, Gallup reports that people who strongly agree they have a work best friend are more likely to be satisfied with their workplace and to recommend it as a place to work. They are less likely to be looking for another job.

If you think about it, this makes sense. A close friend is someone you’d willingly spend time with on evenings and weekends. If you actually get to spend time with this person while on the clock, that’s a life bonus all around.

But, of course, that raises the question: How do you make a work best friend?

I like to use some imagery from friendship expert Shasta Nelson of moving people up the friendship ladder. Once we’re not in fourth grade anymore, we tend not to cast eyes on people and announce that they will be our best friends forever. Sadly, no one does this to us either. BFFs are crafted, not conjured from nothing. What happens is that we spend a lot of time with people, decide we like them, and then create new opportunities to get together. Slowly a tight friendship is formed.

So if you would like to eventually have a work BFF, start by looking around at the people you already know and generally like at work. Are there people who might be amenable to deepening a relationship? If you and Kathy in accounting always enjoy a good laugh when you chat, ask if she wants to grab coffee with you this afternoon. If you and John and Felicia have worked well together on a project, suggest the three of you celebrate by getting lunch together some day.

If you don’t see any potential BFFs among the people you know at your workplace, consider volunteering for cross-departmental efforts so you can meet more people. For instance, you might volunteer to help with the holiday party or the quarterly receptions for new hires. You could join an employee affinity group and meet others who have something in common with you. Or if it’s a really small office, you could get involved in professional associations in your area and start a regular meet-up of like-minded folks. It’s not quite as good as a workplace BFF, but your five-person weekly happy hour group could become a source of pleasure and meaning over time. I’ve enjoyed being part of several small groups of writers and content creators who talk shop and have built friendships over the years.

Then you have to keep going. Friendships are cumulative (you can’t make an old friend!). If you and Kathy enjoy having coffee together, suggest you have coffee together again the next week. And again in another week or two. Start regular routines of chatting before that weekly meeting you both attend. Ask about her family. If she brings her spouse to the holiday party, get to know that person. Maybe you can start doing something in a different context — like walking together before work every other week. Once the first context switch has been activated you have started to move from just being work friends to being friends-friends.

Having a work BFF isn’t frivolous. It makes work more enjoyable and probably makes people more productive. But like most things in life, this isn’t all or nothing. Even if you never wind up with a best friend, whatever actions you take in pursuit of building friendships will help you feel more connected at work, and there’s really no downside to that.

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