ODE TO USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Thanks to the new world of instantaneous social media, the sheltered bubble of elitist TDS polemics has discovered that sailors at sea like to complain —- not as much as Jarheads and Grunts —- but they do. Luckily, they also have a sense of humor:

Which US military branch has the smartest members by average?

Actually, this question was asked and a test conducted by the Armed Services to answer it. Though classified, it was recently released on line by an unknown source in the Judge Advocate General Corps. The body of the test results state as follows:

The several branches of the military (for some unknown reason the Marine Corps is often treated as a distinct branch of military service) (luckily, the glorified police that make up the Coast Guard are not) since their creation have argued among themselves as to whose personnel is the best at the virtues of intelligence and courage. For now, modern statistical and investigative techniques have resolved the issue as to which is the most intelligent: the U.S. Navy. The testing and results occurred as follows.

The fist involved a random selection of officers and enlisted in the Marine Corps. Each marine was shown an area represented to be a minefield and set-up to look like a minefield. Explosives were even set-off at various times and locations to complete the illusion. A superior officer ordered each individual to run a circular and zig-zag pattern through the minefield until ordered to stop. 100% of the marines complied with these orders and no doubt would have sacrificed much if it really were a minefield. This resulted in the upper echelon officers of the Marine Corps concluding that their personnel were the most courageous and intelligent. This conclusion was rejected. See infra.

The next set of individuals involved randomly selected officers and enlisted in the U.S. Army. Each soldier was shown an area represented to be a mine field and set-up to look like a minefield in the same manner as supra. A superior officer ordered each individual to run a circular and zig-zag pattern through the minefield until ordered to stop. 100% of the soldiers complied with these orders and no doubt would have sacrificed much if it really were a minefield. This resulted in the upper echelon officers of the Army concluding that their personnel were the most courageous and intelligent. This conclusion was rejected. See infra.

The next statistical sampling consisted of randomly selected officers and enlisted Air Force personnel. Each airman was placed on a runway and ordered to stand at attention as fighter jets were using it for a takeoff heading straight at them. The test was set up so that the fighter jet would lift off at the last minute just missing the individual. 100% of the airmen complied with such orders and did not move until ordered and no doubt would have sacrificed much if it were not just a set-up or if something went wrong with the test. This resulted in the upper echelon officers of the Air Force concluding that their personnel were the most courageous and intelligent. This conclusion was rejected. See next paragraph.

Finally, the next statistical sampling consisted of randomly selected officers and enlisted of the Navy. Because these personnel actually had to work for a living maintaining and operating ships, aircraft, and military equipment both at sea and in port, they did not have time to take part in make-believe games. Therefore, members of this task force approached randomly selected sailors with a full-admiral by their side. As they approached these sailors while they were doing their job, the admiral would give them a direct order that if followed such as supra would cause great injury or death. For example, an electrician’s mate would be ordered to suffer electrocution or dismemberment by sticking their hand in an electrical motor or generator; an electronics technician to jump from an electronics mast to the deck or pier; a machinist’s mate to jump into a turbine or engine; a submarine engineering department was ordered to stay in engineering while the compartment was intentionally flooded; and so forth. 100% of the sailors upon receiving such orders told the admiral to go “f—k himself” as they flashed him their middle finger. That is courage and intelligence.