⛓ A four-question framework for kink dynamics that're supposed to look dark 🖤

A question I get about dark dynamics a lot (in various forms!) could be summed up as “How do I know if this is okay?”

It’s not “is this kink okay” in the abstract. (People who find my stuff have mostly gotten past that, though I am ALWAYS happy to be your “go do hot stuff you are into!” cheerleader if you’re not fully there yet.) Rather, what they’re asking is… a bit more specific, and often a lot more difficult:

How do I know if this dynamic—the one I’m in either formally or when I’m playing with someone, the one that deliberately fucks around with degradation or control or the aesthetics of relational danger—is still something that’s additive to my life, versus if it’s something that’s changing me in ways I/we/my partner ultimately could be harmed by?

I don’t think there’s a single answer. But I do think there are frameworks we can use — and there is one in particular that I use in my class Safety in the Shadows: Kink vs Toxicity in Dark Dynamics (which I happen to be teaching for FREE this weekend as part of the THRIVE virtual conference!), and also just like, in my own life.

I call it HOLD, and it’s a way to look at what you’re negotiating or what you’re in critically rather than just assessing relational health off of the vibes.

Here’s what you’re assessing:

H: Held with intention. Is this dynamic an active, ongoing construction?

Healthy connections are spaces we build on purpose, not just things that happen because nobody interrupted inertia. This means it requires regular, explicit renewal of the container (and I’d say more regularly the darker the dynamic is). This means: it’s not “we negotiated once three years ago and nothing’s changed,” and it’s not “we fell into this and it seems to be working.” Held means that every partner involved is actively holding this thing. It’s not always 50/50 (these things shift over time!), but it is always deliberate, and something that’s visible to you in some way.

O: Observable impact from the inside. Is the ability to reality-check what this dynamic is doing to other realms of life still intact?

This means that the s-type/bottom can actually say, “Here is what is happening to me right now, and here’s how it’s impacting my life” and that the D-type or top can either accurately observe or hear that fully — and that statements of “hey, this is actually potentially eroding something for me” are never punished (even if they’re sometimes used in dirty talk—not that I am thinking of my own life or anything!!!!) This is the one that we can lose track of most easily, especially my fellow people-pleaser s-types. When you start feeling like expressing a negative impact will = “ruining the vibe” or “not being a good sub” or “making it weird,” you’ve lost the ability to ensure observability. And without it, your partner is flying in the dark.

L: Legible in its logic. Does the nature of your play and interactions make sense to both parties still?

When your dynamics are built around what I call “casual cruelty,” when ESM of any form gets into the mix, or even just when you negotiate in a looser, exclusion-based way (limits, but anything else is technically on the table; not everything has to be approved first), actions or reactions can sometimes take a turn we don’t anticipate. I happen to believe that as long as everything stays within your risk profile, this is okay!! But both parties should still possess a shared understanding of what the dynamic is designed to achieve emotionally. What’s happening isn’t arbitrary; it’s part of the way y’all agreed upon your dynamic looking, or what you discussed wanting to feel (on either side). This doesn’t mean every moment is pre-scripted, mind you — it means the logic is shared. “I do this because we agreed it serves this function of making you feel small and weak” is legible. “I do this because I said so” is not.

D: Digestible. Does everyone feel like they get time and space to process, repair, integrate, and make meaning of what’s going on?

This doesn’t necessarily mean “we step outside of the dynamic sometimes” (which is something that I actually don’t believe is fully possible in many dark dynamics, which I’ll discuss more in class on Sunday!), but it does mean that both parties are actually processing difficult things—not just distracting themselves away from them because they “should” or because they don’t want to ruin someone’s fun (including their own)—and that everyone still feels like they can access their individual agency and autonomy in the realms of life you agreed you need to have that in. This is the one I see people end up skipping when things are going well…. aaaand missing desperately when they aren’t. But it matters, a lot. Especially in ongoing, 24/7 sorts of deals where you don’t have a set end with aftercare time. Digestibility means we commit to the idea that this is a dynamic we want to enjoy, integrate, and metabolize rather than just endure.

…and notably, NONE of these four are yes/no checkboxes. They’re orientations, in a way… things to keep checking, not things to check off. I personally try to make time to journal on these every 4-6 weeks (and sometimes I’ll decide to do a deep-dive on one specific letter here in a particular month, just to switch it up for myself, but there are lots of ways to reflect on these including just inside your head!)

And by the way… if you read through them and felt a little prickle of recognition at one of them… that’s probably one worth sitting with. Not an emergency, but something to look at closer.

So ANYWHO! ❤ I’m teaching my Safety in the Shadows: Kink vs. Toxicity in Dark Dynamics this Sunday at THRIVE, which is a pay-what-you-can (including deciding on $0 aka FREE!!!!) virtual convention focused on places where mental health & neurodivergence can overlap with BDSM. In my class, we’ll go much deeper into communication tools, harm-reduction strategies, and self-assessment practices that make dark dynamics sustainable and operational. And there are TONS of other fantastic classes on their schedule too. Like, tons. (More than I can possibly attend on my list; I am really struggling to figure out which ones I’m gonna be at because there are just sooooo many good ones you guys.)

With disability being such a part of my life, I very, very, very rarely am able to offer free class opportunities. But I truly believe in the cause of this con, so this is the exception. If you’re available this weekend, I hope you’ll consider joining us.

If you want to do this work on your own time, my Submission Beyond Limits workbook is built for s-types navigating exactly this territory (and more!) — risk, desire, and self-knowledge in power exchange on a number of different levels.

And — a ✨ BRAND NEW CLASS ✨is coming in June: Desire Decoded, a deep-dive workshop all about reverse-engineering your kink desires so your negotiations stop producing near-misses. More on that coming soon.

I hope you’re well, friends. I hope your pillow is always cool on both sides, and I hope your oven heats everything through all the way no matter where you position it, and I hope you get to pet lots of nice dogs.

xoxo,

vahavta