Not being afraid of change

I’ve always been a bit hesitant to adapt to change, to break out of my old ways and throw out old habits which worked well in order to develop new ones that work even better. I’m the type of person who will find something that works well, like a meal or route or outfit or playlist or daily schedule, and then stick to it every day and not explore alternatives. I’m much more used to exploiting than exploring, partly because I don’t think I get as much value out of variety and switching things up every so often as most other people do. On one hand this can save a little bit of brainpower and possibly a little bit of money (if the hyperfixation is maximally efficient), but on the other it can do a lot of damage by limiting my action space.

I’ve cautioned myself against this for many years — back in 8th grade, every night I’d pray to God and promise to try to do three things: 1) work as hard as I can, 2) be optimistic and positive in general, and 3) not be afraid of change. Although I was but an inexperienced child back then, I had already been in a handful of situations in which I had been afraid to change something about myself, and then the transition ended up being much smoother than I had thought. For example, starting to wear glasses at the beginning of 8th grade (somehow I expected everyone to perceive me differently, which didn’t actually happen), and switching from mainly doing speed-based math to mocking AIME’s (which requires a lot more stamina and patience). And these experiences brought not being afraid of change to the front of my mind as a necessity in order to not handicap myself.

It’s hard to change a part of yourself by just thinking about it in the back of your mind though (especially when you find change difficult in the first place), so since 8th grade I’ve unfortunately still obsessively exploited rather than exploring. Some examples are: enjoying doing origami for fun, but only ever making two or three different types of objects — having math be the only thing I really did seriously for years — even then, only learning and practicing geometry rather than other types of math — and clinging to olympiad math instead of trying to learn higher math in early college.

I think a factor that has probably contributed to my fear of change is a lack of role models a few years older than me. I’m the oldest child of three, and somehow it has always been the case that my close friends are basically all in my grade or younger. It probably doesn’t help that I’ve always been a bit immature and inexperienced for my age, which probably causes me to naturally associate with people my age or younger, as opposed to older people. Because of this, I don’t really have an idea of what the stages of life beyond my current one hold, and feel a lot safer sticking to old familiar ways. I think it would be very helpful for me to actively seek out more perspectives of older, more mature people, whether through the internet or in-person.

Although the distinct jumps of discrete change are hard for me to surmount — deciding one day that I’ll do something differently from the previous — continuous change can bypass the filter much more easily. I’ve changed gradually year by year, and I think the best way to sum it up is that I’ve become more chill. 1) Not worrying about as many small things, 2) having more of a “winging it” mindset (but in the sense of just floating rather than being really worried about falling), 3) being more open-minded, and 4) having a more casual personality. Of course there’s still a lot of room to move further in these directions, but when I compare myself with the version from one year ago there’s a pretty significant difference, especially for the past few years when I’ve been out in the world rather than under my parents’ roof.

1. It turns out that most things in life — most interactions with normal people, that is — are not that deep. I used to be really awkward even crossing the street, not knowing where to put my hands and thinking that everyone in the cars were watching me. I didn’t know how to return compliments or ask for things in stores or on the phone. But the answer is simple: naturally. Literally the more naturally and casually you present yourself, the more smoothly the interaction will go. I guess this assumes that you are a normal person on the inside though, because the more naturally you present yourself, the more of your true self will shine though. So I guess for some people like me, it might take some time to become a normal person on the inside, or at least to know how to seem like a normal person when you need to.

2. This ties into “winging it” because at least for me, acting natural is very closely related to improvising. I’ve tried for years to learn improv — to think on my feet rather than preparing beforehand — but the difficulty lies in the nervousness and self-questioning that floods my brain — “why are you saying that?”, — not the actual calculations and connections used to decide what to say next. If I push the former concerns away and use 100% of my brainpower to think about what to say next rather than just 50%, then improv suddenly feels much better. So really, acting naturally and not worrying so much makes everything easier and smoother, from everyday interactions with random people to leading meetings to giving tours to teaching classes.

3. It has probably also helped that, gradually over the past two years, I’ve been viewing myself as more normal, less different from other people than I used to. I’m trying to think of myself as just another fish in the ocean, rather than some strange species of fish from another universe that is somehow in the ocean. One by one, I’ve been undoing the knots that have tied my confidence to academic achievements. This may result in slightly less confidence, but it’s a healthier type, and probably closer to what normal people derive confidence from.

4. Finally, a change that I’ve been actively pursuing for only the past year or so, but am still not quite sure how to go about it and still have a really long way to go, is having a more defined personality — being more feisty and having stronger opinions and spirit. It’s funny because I feel like basically everyone else has no problem with this — everyone else seems to have preferences of some sort. But for my entire childhood, my personality was pretty much just “a nice, easygoing person“ (or at least this was the goal). I generally didn’t have strong opinions, and simply tried to do whatever would be best for others / best for the group. I thought this was perfectly fine, because growing up I learned that kindness and not getting in the way of others were the most important things. But what I didn’t realize until very recently, was that being just “a nice, easygoing person” is not much different from having no personality at all. Sure I may not have damaged my friend groups in any way, but I also haven’t really added anything to them either. I’ve basically been like a zero vector, rather than one that increases the dimension of the spanned subspace.

   I learned that there is a word for having spirit and energy and personality, but in a good-hearted way: being feisty. It’s possible to have a strong personality and add dimension to the groups and communities you are in, without sacrificing kindness. Sure, the zero vector might be the easiest possible choice that avoids malicious points. The easiest way to not offend anyone is to not say anything at all. But a positive-magnitude vector that does the same would be far preferable. It’s always interesting to meet someone who is really passionate or knowledgeable about something, or who has a really strong quirk like making a lot of jokes, being really skeptical of everything, having really hot takes, relating everything to anime, etc.

   Many strong statements/personality traits can be edgy or borderline-offensive. But many of them are not, so with enough practice generating data I might be able to cultivate a strong personality for myself that is feisty but not harmful/toxic/edgy, and thereby actually add something to the communities I’m in. It’s much easier said than done, though — often alarm bells go off in my brain when I say something strongly because I’m worried about being taken the wrong way.

Given how quickly the current world is changing, being adaptable and not afraid of change might become one of the most important personality traits. Maybe I need to think like my 8th grade self again. Sometimes it’s necessary to sacrifice a little bit of exploitation — satisfaction and positive results from something you know will work — in order to do a bit of exploring. You will fail, and you will be kinda bad at it at the beginning, but it will pay off in the long term.