I turned my life into a pile of tasks

Finish the keynote for work. Go get groceries. Call mum. Walk the dog. Work out. Eat dinner. Read a book. Sleep.

Every single thing I did was always a part of a plan.

Every hour, every minute was scheduled and productive.

It felt good, rewarding even.

Yet despite that satisfaction I still had tightness in my chest.

Uneasy tingling in my stomach.

So I added another task to my list to mute it.

If only I turned the volume up instead.

Phone lights up - “Sorry girl, something came up and we can’t make dinner tonight”.

The breath I just took doesn’t want to leave my chest. I’m about to get ready to meet my friends and instead I find myself left with an evening without a plan. Breathe out.

Within one minute after receiving the message I manage to ask another friend if they want to meet up, check the evening class schedule in my dance school, and think about opening my work laptop to get ahead of the work tomorrow.

This wasn’t the first time I defaulted into doing.

Combining running with listening to self development podcasts. Forcing myself to go to the gym despite exhaustion, simply because I scheduled it beforehand. Instead of having a relaxed chat with friends I invited for brunch I’d continuously serve, clean, and just check if anybody needs anything. Once done with a task at work I’d instantly look for another one to add to my todos.

If you asked my friends at the time to describe me, they would say - oh, she’s just always doing! And I would take it as a compliment.

It wasn’t.

Constant busyness is not a personality trait, it is not character.

It is a coping mechanism. You can always find ways to sweep the discomfort under the carpet.

But what happens when you stop, truly? No doom scrolling, no Netflix, no “chilling with friends”. You don’t have to meditate, or journal. Just stay in stillness for a moment.

What shows up?

[breathe]

I’d always rush into another task at work. The driver was a sense of not being enough. I wouldn’t even give myself a moment to acknowledge progress, to give myself a high five. I had to prove that I am capable and competent through constant delivery.

When a free evening would come up I was faced with the fact that I’m actually physically drained. Going to bed at 9pm sounded ridiculous at the time, yet I tried once. Then another time. And at some point it became natural enough for me to allow myself a proper recovery from the busy day to day schedule.

You are not afraid of having nothing to do. You are afraid of what you will feel when you stop.

I woke up ready to start the day. Coffee, dog walk, desk. And I just couldn’t open my laptop. Zero energy, no focus, and my bed was seductively watching me from the side.

I ended up laying flat with the dog under my arm and staring into the ceiling. Mind you, it was in the middle of the week!

My best friend messaged me to check in, and I responded that I’m having a useless day.

As she is a proper best friend, she confronted me right away. Are you feeling guilty because you are not busy? It struck me. It was a useless day indeed. Use-less, to be precise.

It was all about using less. Less of my capacity, less productivity, less delivery, less exercise, less perfection. I stopped the autopilot and allowed my body to speak up.

Reflections started coming up to the surface. I realised how tense my body was. When I stopped doing, I got a feeling of having true ownership of my time instead of chasing hours relentlessly running through my fingers.

I pressed unmute.

Here is a challenge for you - give yourself one use-less evening. One run without a podcast. One finished task without rushing into the next one.

Notice what comes up when you stop doing.

thanks for reading until the end.

big hug,

zuz