i'm taking a short, intensive summer course in swedish, and it's actually going pretty well! i've had mixed success with swedish classes thus far. i had one very intro, very short course that i liked, then stopped going to an online one that i didn't like, then had mixed results from tutors on italki (they weren't bad, but i was looking for something great). this current course surprised me by…
i started this blog in part because i dared to strive toward greatness. if i wanted to ever be a great writer, i'd have to put reps in. i'd have to really work for it. what inspired this was reading my dad's old blog. it's nearly lost to the seas of time now. he only ever wrote a dozen posts, and he himself forgot about it entirely. but i went back and read it and was blown away by the quality of…
i used to post like a madman on tiktok. that's the secret to not caring about any tiktok in particular: just post 80 million and no one's gonna see any of them. but i never really post on there anymore. so now instead of being constantly replaced by videos that are potentially embarrassing and cringeworthy in entirely NEW ways, my old tiktoks are left to waste away in plain sight, to anyone new…
who cares if my skin gets worse? who cares who cares who cares. truly the only thing that it would really impact in a negative way (other than me feeling bad about it) is modeling. and like, it's not like a legit modeling career was ever in the cards? i'm a hobbyist model, i do it for fun and i've had forehead wrinkles since i was like 15. who cares
for a while i thought my problem with speaking is just that i didn't have the courage to speak. i mean, that definitely is part of my problem. it's just not the whole story. more specifically, i don't have the courage to speak unless i know what i'm saying is right . this holds me back from improving, but i've decided to stop beating myself up for it. i know myself. i know my strengths, and i know…
so aging just means my skin is going to get worse for the rest of my life? i ask because for a while there, i've been on an upwards trajectory in the skin department. my skin was pretty bad in college, then cleared up and has been improving since. and while that's the case, i've had decent motivation to keep up with my skincare and wear sunscreen. despite wearing sunscreen ~daily, i recently…
i'm not sure what One Single Topic i'd like to write about tonight so instead i'll just write a little about each. let's see how it goes. today i had a video call with a twitter mutual. it's been ages since i've done that, and it was way more enjoyable and nourishing than i expected. part of me wants to announce on twitter HEY I'M OPEN FOR VIDEO CALLS!!!!! but the truth is that i'm open to video…
moving countries means also moving churches. though we've been going to this new church every sunday (except of course the sundays when we're away....which has been three already—sidenote, mass in japan was amazing!) since we moved, we hadn't really meaningfully interacted with anyone and definitely hadn't felt like we made any connection with people who might become friends. until this past…
somehow i've been able to remove enough friction to increase my writing output to a relatively satisfying degree. i blogged ~daily and reached 100 blog posts, and have over 40,000 tweets, and wrote an e-book out of my tweets. but i still have not been able to sit down and write what i feel like i "should" write. there's still a major block there. maybe that's okay? maybe i'm fine just writing what…
at some point, my swedish outpaced my german, and i've been thinking about why, while also deciding to put actual effort into my german as well. i technically lived there for a bit over a year, but with traveling factored in, spent a total of about 8 actual months there. regardless, i didn't get as good at german as i would have liked too. i took a month-long intensive course when i first arrived,…
instead of just THINKING that i opened this page and am now writing these words. that'll do for my re-entry post
we moved countries this month, which has disrupted many of our normal routines. including, but not limited to: going to the gym 3x a week, me booking swedish tutoring sessions, and of course, writing this blog. that wouldn't be so bad, except that we're also heading to japan for two weeks. which means, if we let it, this could become a weeks-long break from many of those routine tasks. my sage and…
i've published very few blogposts this month. i'd like to blame it on moving to a new country. or would i? i mean, it's definitely coinciding with me moving to a new country. but it was definitely a conscious choice to let myself ease off of daily blogposting while moving—not exactly directly a result of moving (though some days i genuinely did forget because i'd been doing moving stuff all day).…
i erroneously thought that being in a better place now for my move to sweden meant that it would involve basically zero tears, in contrast to last year when i moved to germany and cried what felt like daily. but alas, moving to a new country inevitably involves tears. being better prepared for something doesn't mean i won't have any feelings about it, it just means i'll be more resourced to deal…
over the past year, my wellbeing has measurably increased as i implement healthier habits and spend time being happy with my fiancé. i'm no longer plagued by constant lethargy and migraines. curiously, i also get annoyed more often than i did before. the big difference is that while before, i repressed the irritation before even consciously recognizing it, manifesting various psychosomatic…
we moved to sweden, so the last few days have been quite hectic. our wifi turned off on the last day of april, and for some reason my cell service was downright atrocious, so for the remaining days before we moved, i was all but off-the-grid, save for the times i mooched off of my fiancé's hotspot. so now it's been several days since i've written a blogpost, and i feel some friction getting back…
today i'll be modeling in a fashion show for the last time before we move away from berlin. my model bag is packed and ready to go and my stomach is slowly twisting itself into gentle anticipatory knots. my fiancé will be coming, and gets to sit in the reserved section since we each got to have one guest attend for free. this is somewhat of a full circle moment, tying things up in neat little bow:…
being home alone (for more than a few hours) without my fiancé for the first time was genuinely psychoactive. i enjoyed my time and was more productive and functional than i expected, but i also felt strange emotional echoes of the me i was before i met him, and found it nearly impossible to sleep. we've lived together for over a year now, spending almost every second of that time together. this…
last month, i wrote a post about my fascinatingly linear blog growth so far, joking that everyone should coordinate to view my blog approximately 1727 times in april—so the trend would continue—that'd be great. imagine my surprise when i log in today and see that the count for april so far is exactly 1727. like, am i being punked? (but no for real, is this just genuinely a coincidence? does…
so i've decided i will actively improve my modeling skills. at this point, i've been modeling for almost four years. but that's only counting calendar years in which i've had a modeling gig—it doesn't give an accurate picture of how many hours i've put into the craft. the first couple years, i only had one or two gigs the whole year, and wasn't sure if i'd even ever pursue another gig again. then…
lately i've been wondering if i'm totally over doing runway modeling. but once again, i forget all my gripes and concerns when i actually do another show and have an incredibly fun time doing it. today's show was one of the most well-organized i've ever been apart of. the set-up inside the venue was well-thought-out, things started generally on time, it was adequately staffed, the rehearsal was…
i might want to transition away from runway. i have a show coming up next week (and one tomorrow) and i got a message saying not to wear heels that are too high, because part of the runway is on stone and grass. no idea how treacherous that will turn out to be. i could really do without the fear of a dangerous runway, so photoshoots sound more appealing to me at the moment. but we'll see how i…
as i look around our apartment, i see more and more empty space—evidence of my success packing things into moving boxes. i'm writing this with an annoying bandaid on one of my fingertips—evidence of my failure packing things without breaking any fingernails. i hit it hard on a random surface while i finally hit a groove with packing. worst time to break a nail , i thought, until i realized of…
feeding myself felt hard today. getting up from the couch felt hard today. learning swedish felt hard today. everything felt hard, which felt bad. i beat myself up until i realized i'm probably just sad. a family friend passed away yesterday unexpectedly. her health was poor, but it wasn't like anyone was prepared for this outcome any time soon. death is already an incomprehensible thing, but…
it took me a month and half to read being wrong , a non-fiction book about error. it was very good but i felt like my brain had to be On in order to read it. on the other hand, i started reading project hail mary , a fiction book about a last-ditch outer space mission, four days ago and finished it today. with fiction, i can relax into the story more and use my brain less; though if i really…