Sh*t VCs Say

🎧 Listen on → 🍎 Apple Podcasts 🎵 Spotify ▶️ YouTube 📡 RSS Feed

Ever raise venture capital? Then you’ve definitely heard some version of:

“It’s a bit too early for us.”
“What if Google builds this?”
“Ping me when you have a lead.”

Somewhere between your 5th “quick coffee” with a VC and the 4th time someone told you to “get a warm intro,” you realize venture capital has its own dialect. A mix of improv theater, poker face, and improvably vague business jargon… venture-speak is the lingua franca of Silicon Valley’s glittering gaslight economy.

Every phrase sounds supportive, but like a bad prenup, it’s all one-sided.
Every meeting feels like dating a narcissist with a trust fund.
And every “Let me know how I can help” is the venture equivalent of ghosting after a promising first date.

In Episode 7 of UnicornPrn, Melissa and Lloyed break down the world of fundraising conversations, so you don’t lose your sanity trying to translate.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

✅ How to decode the 19 most common VC phrases
✅ Why “Let us know how we can help” is investor ghosting in disguise
✅ Real examples, startup horror stories, and founder coping strategies
✅ How to navigate value-add promises that vanish post-wire

Whether you're getting term-sheet love bombed or subtly negged on Zoom, here's your real-time Google Translate for the most common things VCs say, and what they actually mean.

Let’s go →

🔍 Translation: If I don’t know you, you don’t exist.

Getting into a top VC’s inbox cold is like showing up to the Met Gala in Crocs… technically allowed, but you'll be politely ignored.

VCs will tell you “just get a warm intro,” like you're supposed to have dinner with their portfolio every weekend. Meanwhile, their websites say “We accept cold emails!” Sure. And Tinder is for marriage.

🚩 Founders with no social proof are often judged before a single deck is opened. One study found that over 90% of funded companies at top firms came through warm intros or personal networks. That’s not a meritocracy, it’s a high-school cafeteria with cap tables.

🧠 Survival tip:
Treat intros like social currency. But build your own heat: traction, hype, narrative. Become too hot to ignore.

🔍 Translation: Until we write a big check. Then give it up. Quickly.

Early-stage VCs love to act like your guardians. “Protect your vision. Don’t give up control.”

What they mean is: “Don’t give it to anyone else before us.”

Then they’ll slide in a term sheet with:

• 2 board seats

• Super pro rata rights

• Veto rights over exits

Suddenly, your company is governed like a banana republic with a new investor-appointed dictator.

📉 In 2023, over 40% of founder-led unicorns had non-founder CEOs installed by late-stage investors. That’s not a coincidence.

🧠 Survival tip:
Control is a currency. Spend it like it’s your last f__king dollar.

🔍 Translation: Either it’s too crowded or too empty. You lose both ways.

This question is the VC version of a trapdoor.

• If your idea exists: “Too many players. Not differentiated.”

• If your idea doesn’t exist: “Too risky. Maybe Google/Amazon/Meta will build it.”

You cannot win. It’s like applying for a job and being told you’re overqualified and underqualified at the same time.

🧠 Survival tip:
If it’s crowded, there’s demand; if it’s new, there’s opportunity. Big companies aren’t lurking in alleyways waiting to kill your startup; they’ve got bigger fish (and org charts) to fry. Know your wedge, own your niche, and double down on your edge. For every Google Analytics, there’s an Amplitude. For every Salesforce, an Airtable.

🔍 Translation: Until a hotter founder shows up. Then we’ll lead the round.

You pitch a vertical SaaS idea.
VC: “Not our category. Doesn’t align with our thesis.”
3 months later, they lead a round in your direct competitor.

This isn’t hypocrisy. This is FOMO-fueled opportunism.
Venture theses are paper napkin fantasies rewritten to justify whatever hot deal shows up.

🧠 Survival tip:
Assume their “category interest” is a moving target. Don’t take it personally. Just build undeniable momentum.

🔍 Translation: $50M/year isn’t sexy. Come back when it’s fake billions.

If your idea won’t generate a 100x return, it’s branded a “lifestyle business,” even if it could turn into a $30M/year profit machine.

Founders building solid, real businesses get ignored for pipe dream unicorns with pretty decks and zero revenue.

See: Juicero, Fast, Quibi.

🧠 Survival tip:
Don’t raise VC if you’re not chasing a billion. Or, if you are, don’t tell them your current TAM; instead, tell them your future category is $10B+ (with charts).

🔍 Translation: We follow social cues like high schoolers.

If Sequoia puts in $250K but doesn’t lead the next round, other VCs assume “they know something we don’t.”
Now your cap table is radioactive.

VCs invented this rule. Now founders get punished by it.

🧠 Survival tip:
If you have limited options, take the money you need to survive and grow ‘cause cash beats optics. If a big fund offers a small check, don’t get paralyzed by signaling fear. In hard times, runway is king and queen. Prove your worth with traction, not theory.

🔍 Translation: Sign before you think, or shop it around.

Exploding term sheets are VC red flags with sirens.
They’re trying to FOMO you into a yes.

If the deal’s good, they’ll wait.
If it’s not, they’ll rush you like a bad timeshare.

🧠 Survival tip:
Don’t let FOMO-fueled deadlines rush you; a term sheet isn’t a lottery ticket, it’s a partnership. Move fast but deliberate, talk to portfolio founders, and try to get multiple investors at the table before you say yes.

🔍 Translation: Until you miss a quarterly number. Then we ghost.

Every VC says this in the first meeting. “We’re long-term partners.”
Yet half will disappear the second your growth dips.

Just ask the pre-IPO bridge rounds that quietly became “acqui-hire write-offs.”

🧠 Survival tip:
Judge VCs by their past support. Backchannel references. Did they stand by struggling companies? Or jump ship when it got hard?

🔍 Translation: We want control. But gently.

A “balanced” board sounds fair. But it often means:

• 2 founders

• 2 investors

• 1 “independent” friend of the investors

Guess who wins that vote?

🧠 Survival tip:
Protect founder control at all costs. Balance is for yoga class, not early boards.

🔍 Translation: Time to bring in adult supervision. You’re the child.

This is how founder replacement arcs begin.
VCs push for:

• Ex-Oracle CFOs

• “Grown-up” sales leaders

• Outside CEOs

Sometimes it helps. Often it ends with the founder on “sabbatical,” and the company off track.

🧠 Survival tip:
Don’t hire suits just to make VCs feel safe. Startups run on velocity, not vanity titles. Bring in experience only if they match your pace and mindset, not because someone wants to check a box. You got the company this far; don’t let coach syndrome kill your momentum

🔍 Translation: I’m never emailing you again.

Polite VC rejection bingo:

• “Interesting!”

• “Let’s keep in touch.”

• “You’re early for us.”

• “Circle back when there’s more traction.”

They say it with a smile, but it’s a pass.

🧠 Survival tip:
Chase yes or no. Ignore “interesting.”

🔍 Translation: We’re opportunistic AF.

Means:

• If you’re hot, we’ll write a check.

• If you’re not, we’ll say you’re “too early.”

🧠 Survival tip:
Ignore what they say on the website. Ask what stage they actually led in their last 3 investments, how big the checks were, and how involved they were post-investment. Pattern match their behavior, not their branding. Real VCs have a type, and your job is to figure it out fast.

🔍 Translation: You’re not fundable. But you’re employable.

Painful. You pitch your dream.
They pitch you a job.

🧠 Survival tip:
Smile politely. Then go build something so good, their portfolio company starts sweating.

🔍 Translation: We’re scared to be first. But we’ll follow once you’re cool.

VCs want social proof.
If nobody’s in, they don’t want to be either.

🧠 Survival tip:
Treat fundraising like momentum theater. Start with angels or friendly checks to build early traction, then stack interest into a clear narrative. Line up soft commits, set a decision timeline, and communicate progress. Even a simple “we’ve got $250K soft-circled and 3 second meetings this week” can flip the script. Most VCs follow heat. Your job is to manufacture it.

🔍 Translation: Burn more. Risk more. Exit faster.

This is how good startups die.
They go from solid growth to hyperscaling at all costs, pushed by VCs chasing 100x.

📉 Burn goes up. Culture dies. Vision dilutes.

🧠 Survival tip:
Only raise what helps you build value. Not what flatters your deck. Zapier raised just $1.3M before hitting profitability, and today it’s worth more than $5 billion.

🔍 Translation: Convince me you’re unkillable before product-market-fit.

A common trap at seed. You don’t even have users yet, and they want to know your long-term defensibility.

🧠 Survival tip:
Frame early moats as:

• Why your insight gives you a 12-month head start

• How your users generate compounding value

• Why network effects will emerge once traction starts...

But know it’s performative. Everyone’s faking it.

🔍 Translation: Stop reacting like a human. It’s inconvenient for me.

This one’s especially nasty.
It’s a way to gaslight founders for:

• Having passion

• Pushing back

• Showing frustration

• Advocating hard

🧠 Survival tip:
An investor is a 5–10 year partner; if you can’t debate without getting gaslit, you picked the wrong one. Passion isn’t a flaw, and no check is worth long-term toxicity. Trust your gut, keep a “hell no” list, and remember: the right money lifts you, the wrong money drains your soul.

🔍 Translation: Let’s see if you’re delusional.

It’s a trap.

• Too high? They ghost.

• Too low? They’ll squeeze you.

🧠 Survival tip:
Don’t throw out a number cold. Point to similar deals (“comps”), show your traction, or deflect with: “We’re looking for fair terms aligned with long-term partners.”

🔍 Translation: Please don’t.

This is VC goodbye in a tuxedo.
They’re not investing. But they want to leave with good vibes.

🧠 Survival tip:
Treat it like a bumper sticker. Don’t follow up. Don’t expect magic. But if you genuinely respect the investor, ask if you can add them to your monthly update list to stay on their radar.

If you’ve made it this far, you know the game.
But here’s the real translation: You don’t have to play it.

Fundraising is a means, not the mission. Don’t let the VC circus steal your builder energy or your sanity.

Stay focused on customers, protect your health, and treat the process like a game, not a verdict on your worth. The founders who win are the ones who stay sane.

You don’t have to:

• Beg for intros

• Decode vague passes

• Pretend your TAM is $100B

• Burn cash to grow fast for social proof

You can:

• Build profit-first

• Bootstrap longer, especially in the AI-native era

• Say no to bad money

• Create FOMO with customers, not pitches

Because the best founders don’t beg for seats at the table.
They build a better one.

And next time someone says “Let me know how I can help…”
You can smile and say, “You already have. You said no.”

🎧 Listen on → 🍎 Apple Podcasts 🎵 Spotify ▶️ YouTube 📡 RSS Feed

📩 Share this before your startup gets diagnosed as a “lifestyle business” by a dude in a Patagonia vest.

Share

Got something spicy you want us to cover? DM us on LinkedIn — it’ll stay anonymous.

🌈 Unfollow the Rainbow!
— Melissa & Lloyed